One of my favourite memories
- Of all time, in fact -
Is of us bickering in the kitchen.
(God knows what over.)
And as our voices got more heated,
And our bodies closer together,
And it was on the verge of becoming a row,
Someone yelled,
"Oh, just get married already!"
Now this is something I've heard before,
With many a friend,
But it has never before shut
Two people up
So instantly.
You and I always
Have something to say, but
The look we exchanged then,
As we bowed our heads
And returned to your washing up
And my cooking!
Not yet, I think.
Maybe in five years' time.

I don’t know why but it hurts more when the sting is coming from your lips.
Do you ever regret me?
When you look into my eyes do you see yourself?
Do you see your soul-mate’s eyes?
They’re the same shade of brown.
Does it make you feel big to make me feel little?
And do you mean what you say?
I feel Victimized by you.
And I feel like I try to outrun this storm but this tornado follows my every move;
Lashing it’s wrath at me every chance it gets..
Ruining everything in the process.
Did you know when you call me stupid I believe you?
And that sometimes I wait outside for what feels like hours,
Just to avoid any contact with you.
I’m scared to talk to you all the time because I never know which
“you” is going to respond..
I pray for peace amid the storm but sometimes it doesn’t come…
Then I break..
I go into a deep dark hole dug by your bare hands.
You help me in, it’s your pleasure…
What I never expected was to find a white dove at the bottom of this hole.
I send him to you in hopes he helps you find your way,
And I told him to tell you I love you…

Come with me
I'll make you stronger
I'm always here
Just take a step closer

You won't regret it
I just want one thing
Bring me your soul
Now, isn't it amusing?

I'm the only one who cares
Didn't you tell me that?
The only friend when you're in need
Don't pretend that I don't exist

Why do you keep pushing me away?
Is it because of that person?
I'm much more better than him
Why can't you see that?

I can give you immortality
So pick me instead
What can he give you?
Suffering that can make you dead

I can make you immortal
I can make you lose your fears
It is better this way
I won't let you roll your tears

What's that?
You said you're already contented
"He gives me life,
To feel the pain and enjoy its emotions"

......

Congratulations...
You have succeeded
In driving me away
Fighting the MADNESS

But deem me,
I'm always here
I'll keep coming back
When you have your fears

**~shadow

in 2012 i experienced an incident with a rifle. my friend spinned it around and hit me in the face. the hit was hard enough to break my nose and make me fly backwards and land on the back of my head.
after that i started having seizures. cluster seizures which mean seizures back to back. they have to be stopped by iv or i can go into status epilepticus meaning continued or back to back seizures that can **** people. there have been several times where my heart has stopped or i stopped breathing from it. its hard to live with. soooo many pills, and doctors, specialists to help diagnose me. just about a month ago i was diagnosed with tbi (traumatic brain injury) before i was diagnosed i was so upset with everything. my health my relationship, my family problems. it just piled up so i decided to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. i no longer can do that because the last time i did i woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. i have right hemisphere disfunction and it effects my motor skills, speech, memory, decision making, confusion, and at this point the doctors say that my memory and confusion is dementia. sometimes i try to tell myself i don't need help, im fine, i don't need anyone, or that the doctors made a mistake. but they didn't and that was proven to me today when i saw my eeg, and mri.  i have built up white matter in my brain. and it only gets worse . i can never regain anything ive lost but i can learn how deal with it and move on from now. i can never be independent in the part of just living alone. i would like to marry the man of my dreams but i don't think i want to put him through all of this. he would have to take care of me when i get sick, and i get sick often due to my weak immune system. one hit in the face and my whole body went out of whack. we also recently discovered that i have a bundle branch block in my heart which means it is a condition in which there's a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. i have a dog that can smell my auras which are mild seizures like warnings that a big one will come. but he can only do so much . squeeze under my head and bark for help.

i won't let them hear
what they want to hear.
i'll hide my fears
or write them down in
tears from a pen.
i'll drown
the empty pages with ink;
venom to the mind,
and then
i'll start over again.

poisonous lines.

while, "all is fine"
i'll say.
when in reality
the only truth my muffled words
reveal is in the silence
that follows.
and since the calm
before the storm
is my storm
and this garden
is filled with thorns,
i'll burn everything i've ever known
and surround myself with
ashes
that allow me to let go.

don't leave me alone.

ARH

self-isolation
My mum tells me to leave the house more often and it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that I can’t because the thought of only doing so makes my knees go weak but she keeps telling me to “just” meet up with friends.

2. not finding joy in what used to make you happy
It’s not that I don’t make plans with friends, because I do, it’s just that I don’t want to because I know that, as soon as I’m out doing things that used to make me happy and are supposed to still make me happy, I will have to pretend that I am, in fact, happy.
And it is exhausting.

3. insomnia
You tell me to sleep more because I look tired as if I am not aware of the bags under my eyes. You do not realise that they feel even worse than they look. You do not know that I am in bed early every single night because I do feel tired I just can’t sleep. Even though I am tired and my body is tired, my brain never is and I have tried reading and taking walks in the middle of the night and listing and counting sheep and insecurities and defeat and crushed wishes and possible ways to die.

4. thinking of death as “nothing big”
What scares most people is what intrigues me. I often find myself considering crossing the road right when a car rushes by or simply jumping out the window when I find myself in high buildings. It’s not that I want to die, it’s more that I am fascinated by how easy it is, opposed to everything else in life.

5. things that are supposed to be easy aren’t so easy any more
The biggest one is getting out of bed, I believe.
I have learned to put my alarm fifteen minutes earlier to let my brain and body accustom to the idea of having to face things that I don’t even know are going to happen. The fear of having to face the unknown is like a constant winter, freezing my throat shut and making breathing a whole lot more difficult than it is supposed to be.

6. being very aware of your breathing and heartbeat**
I never noticed how natural breathing was until I started to have trouble doing so. Now it just feels as though my lungs and my heart are in a constant fight to decipher which is the strongest which leaves me in a constant battle of having to focus on my breathing whilst my heart is making me feel as though someone is repeatedly punching me from the inside.
I know none of it makes sense and even if I try to explain it all to you, you will still tell me you don’t understand. But frankly, neither do I.

Being so aware of my breathing and heartbeat also makes me aware of the fact that they are still going, and that is really the only thing that matters in the end.
They are still going.