ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

It's the first time I'm not running away from love
Except it's running from me
But you're not even running in the shoes I helped you pick out
Those were thrown out as soon as the texts stopped coming
We used to talk about listening to records
But now every time I put the needle down all I hear is the echo of your voice saying I never meant anything to you
Maybe you loved me so much you left so you couldn't hurt me anymore
When I look at you all I see is what I lost
And when I look at her I see every reason why you left
You have one hand on my neck and the other pulling her on top of you and I can't tell which one hurts more
I was hoping you would tell me you love me the last time I saw you
But the only thing that came was the burn of alcohol down my throat and the sting of her climbing into bed with you
Sometimes I see you look at me the way you used to
And it takes everything in the world for me to not run back to you in an instant
I lost my best friend and myself
And I still haven't found either
But now I'm only looking for one of them

8p.m.    It's 8pm and I'm falling too hard for your best friend
9p.m.    He broke my heart and now this is where we start
10p.m.   I am head over heels for you while you're mindlessly stumbling
11p.m.   You're walking just fine and I'm on the side of the road in the mud
12a.m.    You finally made me realize my self worth, nothing
1a.m.       I found a boy who's nice to me and makes me smile, but I just can't bring myself to stay
2a.m.       I made some friends who are just as awful as you
3a.m.       I drank until I couldn't feel the pain and made out with a boy who tasted like your cigarettes
4a.m.       I lost my friends who I thought were my everything
5a.m.       I fell in love with a boy who had the sweetest smile, but he tied that rope too tight and he was gone, just like I wanted to be
6a.m.       It's time to wake up, and realize my worth. I'm with a boy who loves me and makes me feel wanted everyday


3a.m.        It's 3a.m. and I still miss you like hell

I hate when people use the euphemism
"Taking your life"
Instead of just saying
Killing yourself
Because taking your life
Must consist of living
And the world is not a beautiful place
And you are afraid to live

I'm sorry for not always showing
The affection you deserve
I'm sorry for the cold and distant
Look I give you sometimes
I'm sorry for staying up too late
And crying when I shouldn't

A year ago I never expected to
Be where I am
I regretted not taking the chance I had
That rainy day in July
But now I have remorse for
Even thinking about it

Two broken hearts can't
Mend each other
But this seems to be working
Will it last?
I don't want to be the
Sad woman in the diner
Reminiscing in our old booth
While my hands shake as
I reach for sugar packets

I can't help but
Picture the future without it
Dripping with the past

I can't help but
Picture you touching her
Like you once did me

I can't help but
Picture you loving me
Without you leaving me

The last thing you said
Was "I'll see you later"
But it is much later
And you are nowhere to be found

Your absence is crushing me
More than that
Steering wheel must've
Crushed you

I felt my body break
Before I even heard
I know it hurt you
But you have no idea
How much it's hurting me

The end of your life
Caused the end of my living
And I'm not sure
If it can get any worse
Than the feeling of
*Vacancy

This is to the boys who have
Used me for your own use
Played my heart like a game of chess
Lied as tears flooded my eyes
Came and went as you pleased
To all the boys who made me think
There was no such thing as
Love nor happy endings

This is to the boy who
Showed me everything good about myself
Made me feel wanted again
Loved me for all my worth
Stayed even though it was hard
Still wanted me after the ******* was over
The boy who showed me
Everything else was worth it
To get to where I am now