and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

"I've always had this feeling that I'm going to die young. I don't know why, I've just never been able to picture myself being older. I just have a gut feeling, that I don't have much time to be alive"

I said these words to you and you told me to shut up and stop talking. At first I thought you were being rather harsh, I was only speaking hypothetically of course, no seriousness at all. But you genuinely sounded terrified and you told me that you wouldn't know what the **** to do if I died. You told me to never speak like that again because even thinking about me being gone forever ***** you up a little bit. But, love, what makes this any different? Now only a few months later you tell me you have to let me go. That we have to stop what we're doing and that we'll never move forward from this. That you have too many doubts and I don't deserve someone who can't tell me they'll love me no matter what. So now, it'll be just as if I'm dead to you, that's what it feels like anyway. I haven't seen your face in over a week and you don't plan on seeing me anytime soon. Even the deceased get one last goodbye as you lay flowers on their tombstone. I didn't get anything but an emotionless message claiming you're sorry. So you're telling me, that you wouldn't be able to deal with me dying. You would lay flowers on a grave containing rotting remains of a soulless body but you can't stick around to love the real thing? I feel dead because you haven't acknowledged my existence in so long. Your touch and the weight of your body was always an assurance that I was alive, regardless of how numb I felt inside. You brought my eroded and love deprived heart to life and planted flowers that filled my rib cage so sweet I had no choice but to feel utter and complete joy. And of course I had my doubts because we're young and ignorant and a little naive. But I never doubted you or the connection we shared. I never doubted the fact that I cared for you with every broken piece of my heart and I would continue to care until you no longer needed me. I just didn't expect it to be so soon and I was so sure of the sunshine you brought to my soul, I only assumed you felt the same and nothing less. And I'll never understand how the people you love will tell you sweet nothings and make false promises about the future, with no intention of keeping them. I'll never understand how you could look me in the eyes and tell me you'd see me soon, and not have any intention of looking into my eyes again.

It took me 3 years to get over him. He covered my pillow with tear stains and filled a journal with scribbled poetry. But he didn't even touch me or hold me in his arms. He never spoke to me over the phone at 3am and I never laughed with him like I did with you. He didn't fill my sheets with memories and he never saw my naked body or called me beautiful to my face. He didn't make me breakfast and walk 5 kilometers just to see me. You did. You did all those things and still, you had no intention of staying. That was all I wanted. I didn't ask for much. I just wanted you to tell me you weren't going anywhere and actually mean it. I put my already fickle and battered heart in your hands and you've decided I am too much for you after all. Now, I have no choice but to get over you and it feels like this pain will never come to an end and I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone if it's not you.

That's the ******* worst thing in the world.
Remembering plans I made with you.
To watch
certain movies,
to go
certain places

and talking about them with no uncertainty whatsoever.
Then all of a sudden we're over and we are strangers again

and thinking about our memories is sad,
but at least we had them.

Plans that we looked forward to,
but never got around to doing -
that's what ******* kills me every night
when I can't sleep because your voice was always my sleeping pill.
And
I miss you,

but thinking of the future without you feels wrong
and there's still a tiny part of me
waiting...
for you to knock on my door, begging me to take you back.

Heaven knows, I would in a heartbeat.
But we both know you've never cared that much
and your ego is way too big to ever admit you were wrong.

Remember me with a smile on your face. Forget the bad parts- hurting me, uncertainty and almost losing our minds from not knowing where we were going. Forget my tears and the day you didn't eat because I ended things. Forget the fights and the bad jokes about leaving that weren't funny at all. Rather remember me by the good parts. Dancing together and kissing me at midnight in that little town street. Remember the smell of vanilla, oranges and jasmine on my neck. Remember laughing like old friends and the taste of strawberry fizzers as you waved goodbye on our first date. Remember the lace texture of my bra and the feeling of my fingers caressing your scar under your left eye. Remember how I looked at you - singing and playing on my piano. How I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw you. And remember the park at night. City lights and the taste of cigarettes. Remember how whenever you said goodbye, I looked at you with big, disappointed eyes. Remember my voice at 2am over the phone and how you said you didn't know what to do because you liked me too much. Remember our bodies entwined and my breath on your neck. Skin on skin, under blankets and in over our heads. Hands and lips and teeth and it was just as emotional as it was physical. I adored you with every part of me- body, mind, heart and soul. Please know I had so much love for you. Feel it, hear it, taste it, smell it and look back and ask yourself, why you could never see it.

Look at you.
Young in years but heart so beat,
tear stained cheeks
you so skillfully play off
with a smile.

Don't get me started on that smile.
You smile with your entire face,
did you know?
It's so rare to come across
Such an open and honest laugh
these days.

I know, I know
I know you by now.
I can hear the echoes of the screams
You keep swallowing,
If I'm quiet enough.
I can see how furiously you
Blink back your tears
And how your hands tremble
In the morning.

Mornings.
I see how you fight with yourself
Stay in bed. No. Get up. Stay.
Some days, you can't even bother
To put on a clean shirt.
But you get up nonetheless;
I know how difficult that is -
Don't let a soul tell you any different.

Angry, angry girl.
Why why why do you carry
So much hate in your hands?
- 'But where where where
        where
        do I put it all down?'

I see how your chest
Is so full of love,
it's starting to break your heart.
Please won't you give some
Away?

I'm tired.
I've slept for 3 days straight,
But the weight of all these emotions
I've kept locked up too long
Are too, too strenuous to handle.

Lovely girl. Beautiful girl. Clever girl.
You've been laughing off compliments for years now.
Why do you always search
For the most unlovely and demeaning
adjectives for yourself?

Sad sad girl.
What are you so afraid of?
Why can you not stop crying?
Promise me, you will try
to stop breaking your own heart
before giving another soul the chance.

Hopeful girl.
Stars in your eyes and
Flowers growing wherever
You tread.
Keep on wishing wishing wishing
As you do love,
Keep on.

You are broken and
exhausted and
Full of love love love.
Please allow yourself a fraction,
And be ever so indulgent,
With the rest.

Darling it's been 2am choking tears and bittersweet memories for some time now. It's been 6am regrets and waiting for the 'good morning' text that just doesn't come. It's been 12pm fake smiles and trying not to write your name on my maths book. It's been 5pm listening to our songs as my eyes water and my chest is heavy with remembrance of you. It's been 7pm ice cold showers because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive since you left. Darling it's been the 8pm poems I try so hard not to write, but the pile just gets higher - filled with thoughts of you. Oh, it's been 10pm prayers for you to come back and 11pm wishes, wishes for just another 60 seconds with you. To make it all right again. And when reality and the realization of what you've turned me into hits, suddenly it's 12am hate, disgust and blame. I feel so stupid, so used and worthless. But you still remind me of perfection and I crave your affection. Then it's 2am again and I can't believe I've been doing this for so long.