It feels like someone's continuously tapping a hammer on your heart and I know you've taped her together so many times and there's still so many fresh wounds covered in band aids. But you refuse to let her break. You refuse to hide her behind your ribs where it's safe and protected from all the coldness and cruelty of the world. And every night you wash her cuts clean with your salty tears and tuck her under your sleeve, careful not to touch the bruises. But you're the only one who's careful with her aren't you? You're the only one who night after night still believes in her and tells her she's still capable of love and someday you're going to give her to someone and they're not going to have guns for hands and bullets for words. They're not going to grab her and hold her against their chest and whisper that they'll be there for her no matter what, only to carelessly drop her, sometimes throw her aside, when realizing how close to falling apart she is. Don't they see how hard it is keeping her in one piece when all anyone tries to do is rip her to shreds? Don't they see that you're  trying to love and love and love in the hopes of getting some in return to fill these cracks? The worst is when you see other broken and battered hearts, and with the sole intention of helping them you only end up in worse pain than before. I can't stop crying I can't stop crying. Somethings got to wash her bleeding wounds. She might be ruined but she's still capable of love. She is. I am. I am. I am.

I've gone and made mines out of ditches again haven't I?
I've made oceans out of streams again and made next years out of tomorrow's.
When will I learn to stop trying to predict the future
in a desperate attempt to assure myself I'm going to be
okay.

Are you okay? I forget to ask sometimes
I'm too busy arguing with my own
insecurities and uncertainties
But your ego is large enough to
Make up for my lack thereof
And you never needed reassurance

Did you?

From that first good bye,
you could see how I struggled to unclasp my hand from yours and how I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked out the door.

I missed you as soon as I left you.
Did you know that?
Am I foolish and naive and perhaps slightly
Insane. (statement)
To feel as though I had missed you, before we even met?
Call me a romantic,
But energy doesn't lie my love
Call me delusional
But I can see it, feel it
Whenever we're together:

The way our energies get along like old friends from a previous life, who have so much to catch up on.

We have so much lost time
to make up for
my love

How can I believe it when I finally feel happy for the first time in weeks. When I laugh really loudly or when I smile, so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes crinkle. How can I believe it when so many times I thought it was all going to be ok to have it snatched away from me moments later. I don't trust being happy anymore. Perhaps I have become too much of a realist that I can't allow myself to feel a split second of joy because I know it's not permanent. As much as I don't want it to, my happiness and well being solely depends on others. The fact that I can't possibly feel content when I sit by myself in an empty room is disturbing and the only thing that can comfort me is knowing that tomorrow will be a good day. I plant my happiness inside other people and what they don't understand is once they let me down I'll refuse to water it and I'll leave it to wither and die along with the phone calls you keep declining and letters I wrote that you keep tearing, to pieces. did you not see I gave you my heart broken and battered but still willing to love. Are you truly blind or are you choosing not to see my dead tired eyes filled with regret? Are you truly deaf or are you trying not to hear my cries for help that's starting to ring in my ears and the sound of blood spilling all over my bathroom floor. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here.

Somehow the universe saw our souls, far apart in distance, but too alike, too perfectly matched to not be together. I'd like to believe our atoms fought to reunite as they have been best friends for all of time and brought her into my life. My sun. The warmth that never leaves her radiates from her eyes and makes you feel at ease. My sun came into my galaxy and when we saw how breath taking both dusk and dawn was, we knew she would be here to stay. Although the clouds cover her love sometimes, the storms make it hard to remember she still exists and every night it's too dark to see her, you know she is always, always there. Even if I can't see her light and feel the warmth she brings to my life all the time, I don't have to worry about missing her, because I know when I wake and draw back my curtain, there she will be, my brightest star, making sure I don't wallow in the darkness too long. I can't imagine my life without her, I don't know what I did before her. But I will be eternally grateful to her for lighting up my life and making me believe that I am never alone.

What?
The fact that you made me the happiest version of myself before we'd even met. The strange looks from my mother when I was laughing on a Monday morning. My cheeks hurting from smiling too hard. Your head on my chest and your hand wrapped in mine like we've known each others bodies for years.

When?
After waiting way too long. Almost too late. 1 am in the middle of the week. Late night phone calls leading into the early hours of the morning. The busiest time of the year, but still more than enough time for each other. 8pm in my neighborhood playground - stars and street lights, my eyes sparkling like the stars when looking at you and our hearts flickering like the street lights, unsure, but burning nonetheless.

How?
Instincts and going with my gut. Swallowing my pride. Not being afraid for once. Letting you in. Effortless. Familiar. As if greeting an old friend from a previous life. Reminding me of what my real laugh sounded like. Wishing on first stars and last cigarettes. 11:11, every night and every morning - you. Bringing you home. Letting you in. So fast, we can barely keep up.

Why?
Everything comes naturally. The comfortable silence that doesn't need forced conversation to feel like we've said something. Seeing you everywhere. Talking to you when you're not here. Singing in front of me when I'd only known you for a week. Asking me if you can touch me before just assuming like the rest. The fact that I found it so strange at the time but thinking back now it is the only way it should ever be. Hearing you say my name and it's like the first time I'm actually hearing it. Me saying your name as if I've been waiting to say it my entire life.

Who?
You. Me. Complete opposites, but in so many ways the same person. You - charismatic and never running out of ways to make me smile. Walking into my mind and telling me things about myself I could never admit. Confidence shining through your every word and action. You get quiet when you speak about me though. I know what you want to say, but I still need to hear it. Always apologizing. Scared to put a foot wrong. Hearts on our sleeves. You. Me. Us.

I can't get it out, I'm comfortable being down.
Don't try and cheer me up, don't question my frown.
Don't tell me that I'm special, that you love me so(?)
I know you're lying
And I'd rather be alone.

But you don't want to leave, so I let you stay
I say that I'm not looking for love
And you're just in my way.

I can't stand it when you're here and I hate it when you're gone.
You're getting tired of waiting - 'so ******* long'

You have to understand love, these things take time
But you're so ******* impatient,
Trying to knock down walls
That were built for you to climb.

And lately you've been distant,
Probably found someone new
You're unaware that I'm broken,
Memories of you in my head lie frozen

I am a shut bottle of happiness,
only you can open.

I can't make up my mind. You should know this by now. What I wanted this morning is completely different to what I want in this moment and that will probably be completely different to what I'll want tomorrow. People change, but I think I change too quickly. Every emotion I feel is fleeting, although not completely gone. Like the ocean, my feelings come in waves. Just when I think I've forgotten you and I've stopped missing your presence; you come crashing onto the shore of my mind at full force. As soon as I think I'm content with my life and where I am, give it a while and the sadness will come in again as sure as the morning tide. I've always admired the stars. The steady, steady stars. Who have made up their mind and don't lose it, because they know they are happy. But I, I am always looking for what's to come or looking back on what I've missed out on. I make and break friendships so easily and although it hurts to lose so many people far too soon, I can't stick around. Boys who spilled their hearts out on the table for me to greedily consume and I swear, it wasn't my intention to let you go. I just always think I know what I want and when I realize you're not what I need, I am not strong enough to pretend that you are. I'm sorry for telling you that you were the one I've been waiting for and for calling you every night for hours on end. I'm sorry for reading you the poems I wrote and making you feel like you meant something to me. I'm sorry I drank too much when I finally saw you and couldn't hide the fact that I felt nothing for you. I really thought we could change the world, I thought you were everything I was looking for. I just wanted someone to hold me and someone to confide in and someone to love me by choice and not by default. I think the person I wanted you to be and the person you are is very different. You see, I'm very good at writing pretty words and making people feel something with my writing, when in truth, that's all it is; ink on a page. I'm not so great at making people stay and I'll push you out of my space as soon as I realize you've invaded it. You were so close to my heart, you could've reached out your hand and grabbed it. I would've let you keep it but I hope you understand that it would've ruined me. I love too much and I show it too little. I care a lot but if you care for me I'll run from your embrace. I'm so ready to give everything away and love someone irrevocably. I just don't think I'm ready for someone to love me the same way. You have to realize that if you want me, we have to take it so slowly that I won't even notice us falling. We have to take the stairs because at least if you're not there to catch me, I can take them back up. The truth is, I've never been good at happy endings. I've only ever been good at beginnings. Every relationship I've ever had, romantic or platonic, ended mid sentence.