I just want to
Believe the things
I wrote about myself
On yellow Post-It notes
Stuck to my mirror

What happened to the days
When I could be
Unapologetically me
Liquid confidence and *******
Not afraid
Of anybody’s judgements
Numbing the pain
But now I’m sober and
I’m stuck with just myself
Can’t break free from the discomfort
Of being trapped in my own skin
Insecurities and inhibition
Flowing through me like
A toxic injection
But I’m healthy and
My ****’s in line
Why can’t I give
Credit where it’s deserved
Instead I focus on the
Road that lies ahead
Rather than
How far I’ve trudged
Uncertainty trembles with
Every word
So ******* awkward
And everyone heard
Obsess about it for
Hours on end
As if this cycle of thought
Can somehow change
The way things happened
I tell myself
That nothing could be worse
Than being slave
To a substance
But something’s gotta change
Someone, somewhere
Teach me how to be sane
Or I’ll pick up that shovel
And start digging again

How can one believe
That there is no other life
In the universe?

This morning I cried
In front of sixty people
Still, I felt alone

Every day I pray
"Let my mind be kind today"
Yet I'm left unheard

A needle pushed through skin
Extracting life from veins
Another one is gone too soon
No longer fun and games

The word gets out, the posts are made
"I saw you just last week"
A family mourns a broken soul
A person so unique

What happened to their little girl?
Her eyes sparkled in the sun
Replaced by an empty, lifeless gaze
In the end, the darkness won

They clothed her in a long sleeve dress
To hide the markings on her arms
Around her bony, pale white wrist
Her favorite bracelet, dangling charms

They lower her into the ground
The grieving is far from done
And in the time it takes to blink
Somewhere, evil steals another one

There’s a beast that lives inside my brain
He’s feasting away, I’m going insane

“Your existence is ugly”
SHUT UP!!!
“Your mind is too”
STOP!!!
“All you think and care about is you”

Will it ever get better?
Will this noise ever quit?
Somehow masking my torture
In laughter and wit

They say the wolf that you feed
Will be champion of the ring
Well, I feed this wolf my self-hatred
He eats like a king

Even now as I pour my heart onto page
All I hear is criticism
That voice, screaming with rage

I dream of the day
The wolf escapes from his cage