I'm so ******* unhappy
and I wish somebody could sit here
and tell me tomorrow will be better
but truthfully
I've been through so many tomorrows
and so many last nights
that no matter how many pretty words they whisper
nothing will change.
So close your eyes, my love, and I promise you
nothing will change.
And I'll keep walking slower
and not listening
because I've got nowhere to be and nothing to hear
in this god forsaken, obscurely dark world.

A true story of one Christmas Eve,
when I was fourteen.
I remember the gifts under the tree,
some for my brother,
some for my sister,
some for my mother,
but none of them were for me.

I was disappointed, I must admit.
Never liked Christmas Eve,
but since then I hated it.
I asked mom what will I get,
she said: “You'll get that,
what you will get,
go beg on streets!”

And so I did.
It was not my will,
I was kicked.
Remember the day:
24.12.2006
First night I spent
on the streets.

It was cold,
but not freezing,
at least I think.
I had just shirt, jeans, pants, socks,
but no shoes.
I was shivering.
I was lost and had nothing to lose.

I remember the skin,
turning purple and gray.
My mind was set on one thing,
I need a place to stay.
I found some boxes and a blanket,
I didn't mind the smell.
I made my bed near the garbage cans.

Lying there I watched the stars,
cried eyes out,
was asking God,
the only thing I still don't know,
why?
Why was I brought into this life?
Why I can't just simply die?

It was cold,
and it was bad,
but the worst is yet to came.
Forgive them, Lord,
they know not what they've done.
Forgive them, Lord,
because as sure as hell I can't.

My dear friend,
even the Great Wall of China
cannot hide the secret
ancient manuscript of your body
WEAK, WORTHLESS, ****

Truth is hidden
within these lies,
written in blood.
You said you pierced your belly,
but who have pierced your heart?

I believe in power
beneath your eyes
that will heal
even deepest scars
of your lonely soul.

Let me ask
the question of the day:
My dear friend,
have you became
a water buffalo?

Dark night, darker thoughts.
A friend knocked on the door,
he said, move on and let her go.
Become a man she can adore,
maybe then,
but we never know.

But,what if there is
no-one I want to be
nowhere I want to go
no way of letting you go?
Oh, can't you see?
Oh, don't you know?

No more knocking on the door,
all friends left, I am alone.
But,what if they mean
nothing to me,
they're all fools to me,
it's only you I want!

Oh, don't you know that
I would breath for you,
I would **** for you,
I would sing for you,
I would live only for you!
How is all that not enough?

This is a dawn of another day,
and for the first time in life I pray.
In the light of the morning sun,
for the last time in life I sung:

Oh, can't you see
how I bleed for you,
how I scream for you,
how I'm hurt because of you?
I cried for you,
I tried for you,
but nothing is working now.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe that, or maybe this
is what I get for once
listening to voice of heart!

I know that
I am dead to you,
I mean nothing to you,
I am only trouble and burden to you!
I am sick of you and sick of me!
This is not what I want it to be.

But really, this is all you, and no me.
I am empty, I can't feel.

I see nothing.
I hear nothing.
I am nothing.

Silence.
Silence in my heart.
Because you were there
and now it's empty.
Hold me,
please, hold me...

It's endless,
It was gone,
now it's back,
scratching chambers of my heart,
digging holes in my soul.
It's a game over.

No more lives left.
I want to live
no more.
All the choices I made,
it's all ending today.
Game over.

Not feeling well today.
Like if bomb exploded
in my head.
Heart bursted out of chest,
I'm swimming in a sea of sweat,
so hard to inhale.

Cannot explain,
I just feel so bad.
Inside I'm freezing,
on the outside – hell.
911, I'm begging:
“Doctor, doctor, can you help?”

He examined me,
and looked so pale.
“There is no hope,
I am afraid...”
Lights went out,
the world gone gray.

Then with many words
to me explained,
why I'm such a hopeless case.
Such terrible is my fate,
that my illness name
he cannot say.

But I know the cause and the cure.
It's only one, it is you.
I know you don't feel that way,
But listen to what experts say
“Can be lethal,
can be great.”

You have your methods,
and diagnosis.
Avoiding me, like the plague,
with disgust watching my necrosis,
how with every word it spreads.
But silence?

Oh, your disease of choice!
What a sweet, sweet poison!
It's so clean!
Killing from within,
with everything
you will not say.

What a cancer!
Feeding itself
on deepest fears
and regrets.
But it's not mine, it's yours.
I have a different sort.

Maybe it's leprosy.
Oh, don't you say! I can feel it!
Flesh falling away,
the numbening, no pain.
I must look so grotesque,
like an elephant on parade.

No, I won't get away that easy.
I know what it is
and I have fallen completely:
“Amor Vincit Omnia"
I've been conquered
by love.

No, I'm not OK,
but I guess I'll live,
though know not for sure.
How about you?
What will you do
to me?