nobody said
you have to be happy
and nobody told you
to take off your dark
in favor of
somebody else’s light

Looking at you is painful.
Seeing you smile at her
the way you used to smile at me
is an unspeakable torment.
Hearing you laugh at pathetic jokes
and make meaningless small talk
feels like my insides are being squeezed
in an unrelenting vice.

I bite my lower lip
to keep it from trembling.
I want to swallow my tongue;
not because I have so many things
to say to you but because
I have nothing.
There are no words.
There are no words to describe
this pain--this pain of having loved you
in the only way I know how.
Of having lost you.
Only to be here, seated before you
to watch you look at her
the way you used to look at me.
There are no words to convey
the sheer torment of crying inside,
of screaming within my skull,
of burning my heart on a spit
while appearing unaffected.

The smile is frozen on my lips,
but the lights and colors begin
to melt in a confusing mosaic
of my silent tears. "Don't.
Don't let them know how much
you're dying inside," I tell myself.
I'm running after my breath,
trying to get hold of myself.
I close my fists into tight ***** on my lap,
digging half-moons on my palm--
shaking and clammy.
I'm choking through my grin.
And you're just sitting there
without a clue.

Because there are no words.
There is nothing.
There is no you.
There is no me.
You have gone.
Along with all the words that there ever were
and there ever will be.

He asked me if talking to him about you made me feel better.
I told him that I didn't know, because I don't know what better feels like.
He told me that it would feel like a weight coming off my shoulders
I told him that I didn't know.
I told him that I think about you all the time
I told him that I write about you
I told him that everything helps a little,
I guess
And I may not know it now,
But maybe it does

I want to see rainbows and butterflies
Every time I close my eyes
And reserve the right to be mesmerised,
By the pure delight that awaits me every night;
Waking up in the morning
Ready to put the world to rights.
No more fights or frights.
I want to feel alive.

I want to be happy again.

I want to laugh uncontrollably,
So much that my belly hurts, my face aches
And my body bursts;
Into a thousand little funny bones,
Watch, as the fragile and delicate things,
Carefully piece themselves together and
Turn into big beautiful wings,
Making it easier to see where my sadness ends and happiness begins.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the one that my friends can depend upon,
Not the one who upon a friend needs to depend,
Incase I break;
Break down into a million little pieces,
Glass rainbow dreams shattered and crumble
As I fall to my knees,
Desperate to breath.
Please; I need to believe.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be the surprise
That hits you right between the eyes
As I walk into a room, because you confuse
My smile with the sunrise,
Spreading its rays like the scent of perfume
And all of a sudden there's no more
Doom or gloom left to consume.
Eyes only on you, I'm reminded right now I have nothing to prove.

I want to be happy again.

I want my heart to beat so fast,
That it beats out my chest
And dances around like only it knows best.
The best way to compensate
For the heart ache that won't go away.
I want my heart to dance my troubles away,
As I watch it with a smile on my face,
Knowing eventually everything will turn out ok.

I want to be happy again.

I want to dance in the pouring rain,
No longer feeling the pain
That each little splash brings to my face;
Clouds the shape of tear ducts,
Pin ****** falling, piercing my skin
As the poisoning begins,
Tainting my thoughts with memories and eventualities.
Too many realities are taking toll on my sanity.

I want to be happy again...

I want you to build me a staircase
Out of rubber bands, hold out your hands,
And carefully lead the way to the forgotten lands;
Where you'll remind me no matter how often rainbows fall from the sky,
You will always be there - my sunrise,
Wiping away rain drops as they escape from the clouds in my eyes,
Helping me to replace each and every rainbow that falls from my sight.

I want to be happy again.

I need to be happy again.



I will be happy again.



© Karen L Hamilton, 2013

you make me want to
create art
run faster
write poetry
climb further
see the world
dive deeper
read to learn
hike longer
listen to music
and fly higher

I'm sorry I'm too ugly
I'm sorry I'm too pretty
I'm sorry I'm too fat
I'm sorry I'm too thin
I'm sorry I'm smelly
I'm sorry I wear too much perfume
I'm sorry I am poor
I'm sorry I have more spending money than you
I'm sorry you have to look at me daily
I'm sorry I don't call enough
I'm sorry I'm too aggressive
I'm sorry I back down too easily
I'm sorry I'm too smart
I'm sorry I'm too stupid
I'm sorry I'm too quiet
I'm sorry I'm too loud
I'm sorry I'm too lazy
I'm sorry I'm too fidgety
I'm sorry I'm too flirtatious
I'm sorry I'm too boring
I'm sorry I'm overemotional
I'm sorry I don't talk enough
But that's the way I was made, so deal with it.
Sorry, I'm not sorry.

And I am
so sorry
For loving you
as much as I did
It's just that
You were the only constant
In my ever-changing life
And no matter how hard
I pushed you away,
For some reason,
You were still there

Sorry I'm so selfish
All the time

I just don't like the way
You look at her

As if she's the one who fixes you
As if you don't even need me

Sorry