I don't even know if this is poetry
because I am high
But I was falling and falling for so
long, I hadn't had anything to grasp
onto to stop me from falling.

I was falling endlessly into this deep
black hole of depression, and you
see, I was somehow managing to
paint it blacker.

Then I met you.

You somehow were a sturdy rope that
did not manage to break at all.
No matter how hard I tried to pull at
you or make you frayed.
You were the saving grace I needed.

Then you caught on a branch.

It was minuscule at first, I didn't even
notice you getting weaker.
You started to have a little more give
than normal but I paid no mind to it.

When suddenly you snapped.

Then I was falling again.
But this time I was falling faster and harder,
I was swirling in a endless
cycle of despair,
heaving through
circles of self-loathing,
and somersaulting
hopelessly through numbness.

You see,
you held on for so long
that I thought you would
never leave.

But everyone snaps once, right?
Except usually people can mend
what they snapped, physically at least.

But how can you mend something
that is broken on the inside?

I don't know if this is a poem or just high thoughts.

We are the girls who walk around with little bird bones,
rib cages ready to snap when we spread our wings and
fly away

and for my next act,
I shall disappear little by little until I am ash.

I’m not eating for four days or until
I can feel the ***** that is my stomach start to shrink

I used to refuse food for weeks
it amazes me how self-indulgent I have become

I am ready to eat spoonfuls of air
spin my hair into a models top knot and
know that water is a privilege not a right

a million screaming girls saying
“but im not hungry”
while a tiger flays their insides open at night

Kate Moss said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
and I suppose she is correct
What happens when you learn the tongue is a muscle not to be used

What happens when sustenance is no longer needed
When the mind decides
the very thing that keeps the body alive is a punishment

What happens when you refuse a necessity of being human

I told you

just the other day

that I wanted to be a movie star

if only I was pretty



you stared into my eyes

and asked if my mirror was broken

'cause I looked straight off the runway stunning

I rolled my eyes

and said stop with the lies

I just want to be pretty



A few days later

I wanted to be a model

goodbye food,

hello gym

I said I could do it if I was pretty



you slapped me so hard

trying to bring me back to reality

but it was too late

she was already controlling me



Two weeks later

I'm told I'm gonna die

if I keep this up

but I want to become a singer

and a dancer

so back to the bathroom

goodbye binge



You took me to the ER

where people stopped and stared

at the girl who would do anything

to believe she's pretty

'Under the sky with you..
I wrote a line for you
and as your eyes found the Moon's,
those stars were fixed on you..
'Everything is beautiful, your broken smile too..'

And back at the tree house, I
wrote a poem for you well, tried*
but it was way too simplified..
I needed bigger words like;
The juxtaposition of this composition is too excruciating to be euphemism now..

... So darling let's be real,
You and I, we both know how we feel..
'craving love from others but rejecting it from ourselves..
If only my hugs could heal,
maybe then I could love myself..

'Lying on the field, eyes closed..
I thought of my bow and arrow,
'how I've tried to set the target on your heart,
but the thought of hurting you made it hard to let go..

Do I take your breath away?..
Or am I just a breath away from doing so?..

Oh I just want you. So. Bad.
'So bad that if you hurt me,
I'd hurt you back..
'Write a song, a traumatic chapter for dramatic impact..
If only feelings could change..
but maybe your feelings will..

Maybe one day you'll see everything is beautiful,

.. and I can be too.