I wonder what it feels like
To really know what you want.

I spend countless hours,
Wishing and waiting
For things I think I want.
Things that would make me happy;
Or so I think.

When the things I wish and wait for
Actually come around,
I find myself pushing it away
Because it isn't really what I wanted.

I waited all this time,
Just for stuff I ended up not really wanting.

The problem is,
It is what I want
How it is in my dreams
But that's not how life works.

And now I am back to not knowing
What it quite is that I think would make me happy.
And I'm left here with the thought of,
That maybe there is nothing that really can.

You see,
The way your touch felt was almost electrifying
And when your lips touched my body (anywhere),
It's almost like I forgot what's real and what's not.

You see,
Something had never felt so right,
But also so wrong
All at once when laid upon my skin.

You see,
When I look back and try to reminisce
To when you kissed me all over & grazed my skin with yours,
It feels like I'm imagining something not real.

You see,
It feels I'm imagining it better than it was,
But I know that I am not (imagining)
Because I remember this feeling every time after.

You see,
I can easily not need you
But I cannot easily not crave you
I can easily live without you,
But I cannot easily deny that you make me feel alive.

And you see,
I can easily let you go,
But I cannot easily forget you.

I do not like this phase of a heart break.

When you purposely avoid love songs,
Or sometimes you play them just to make yourself feel like your hearts still pounding.

When the person you loved and hid from every waking soul is brought into a conversation.
Or when he isn't.

When you see other lovers who have made it years without the cruel hand of fate ripping their love from them.
Or when you see they haven't.

When you notice him writing you smaller, casual messages when they use to be breathtaking and beautiful.
Or when he doesn't write at all.

When I ask you if I am pushing you away and you say no.

"Alright, happy birthday! Text me later tonight?"

"Will do"

When every hidden goodbye ends with those two words. And my broken, belittled heart.

(i. r.)