From my soulmate
Who I'm most vulnerable around
The one I open up to most
Let it all out
Me
My
Hopes and
Dreams
Fears
Thoughts
Everything inside feels free to come out
From my love
My heart my life my soulmate
You are not a boy.
Words uttered before
Coming out more and more over time
And I catch
Like my breath
Laying my head on his chest
And I catch
My tongue
And stop
Those thoughts I've always
Thoughts I've always thought
Feelings
Thoughts
That took so ******* long to realize
That I wasn't ****** up
That I wasn't weird
That it's great to be me and
Great to be he or she
Great to be
Anything
I feel
Is me.
And I stop
From my soulmate
It is weird
It is wrong
It is not
Me
So I stop
I stop dressing as him
I stop remarks on myself
I stop
But sometimes
It slips
I can't catch
Myself
I can't catch my breath
I can't catch my thoughts
Because
I want to be everything
Everything he wants me to be
Everything and his soulmate
Because
My soulmate
Says I am not a boy
So I try to believe
And suppress
And
Be
Because I
Am not
A boy.

Everything I thought makes life beautiful

Makes the grass greener the sky bluer
 Makes the darkness recede for a while
 Until

Everything crashes down

And makes shadows crawl

Makes whispers call your names with 
Dead eyes in the mirror

Then

You go back

Too sad to function

Too tired to speak

Too hungry too weak

Then everything shines again

And you wake up to the lights

Sunlight

Shaking and happy and incoherent
Oblivious of your demise

The hold it’s got on your soul

It’s everything

Tragedy and despair

You can’t speak from loss

You cry

And go find everything exactly where it was

And escape through frames

Trying to find a distorted illusion of
What once was

Less than yesterday

Five days ago

Everything in pieces nothing consuming you 

Run two steps ahead of the pain
Inducing the chemical confusion

The twitches the bones protruding

The stutter the asthma the all

Over

Pain.
Everything is okay

This pain has broken through my wall of glass

Awake unblinking

Hurt sinking 

Lost alone thinking

I’m alone

Losing everything

Ruined 

Falling to pieces

Pieces getting crushed into dust

And going to my sinuses

I am nothing.
Broken. Cold. Dying. 

I am addiction.
I am

An escapist, a *******, a mass linguist, pacifist and anarchist nihilist and pessimist

A walking contradiction

Full of contrition

Contraband addiction
When I die

Don’t let them all know I

Left my mind on a frame

Or a card

Too much shame. 
But this is too hard.
I lost my everything when I met everything that makes me lost.

I dreamt of all sorts of scary **** last night.
Of being hurt of being watched of being followed.
Scary faces scary voices scary sounds.
Then I found you behind one of the walls. I found you
And you were different
And I was different too
We were older
We were tired
And you held my hand
Made me feel the longing
The stuff I tuck away
The feeling I normally swallow
The longing for being comfortable
Like an old pair of shoes
Fitting perfect no surprises
When I feel that way I get sad
Thinking of routines
Thinking of warmth
Dogs
Tv and laundry
So I have to remember
Why my routines are new
Why I live across town
When I get sad
It’s because I remember the good
If I think of the bad
When once it was all that I could
I remember the arguments
The words that cut to my soul
I remember the times you’d say things you’d held on to
And the shame I felt
The times when it was just for you
And how I’d cry in the bathroom
When I was an 18 year old housewife
That had to ask to go to a girlfriends
When my only company was your mom, bless her heart, but seriously I’m 18
When I’d get sad and I didn’t know why and you’d ignore me
When I’d get sad and I did know why
And you didn’t bother to figure it out
The turmoil I felt for such a long time
Immense love
Incredible pain
I loved you, I do love you, and I wish
I wish we could have worked.
I wish we weren’t so bad together
But we were
So I need to move on.
He’s nothing like you
It’s night and day
Feelings and stuff.
He’s got them. About as much as me
When he talks
He’s staring at his phone
He buys things
Like I do, so there’s no money once it’s gone
He likes all the music I do
No Emo gay or girly
But he does one thing
You didn’t quite do
When I do something wrong
He tells me sharply how it’s wrong
And how he feels
And I feel bad
So bad
And then he’s normal again.
So I get confused.
And he likes cleaning.
Also weird. We were up til 2 cleaning. Not just us the whole house.
He’s got a good heart, and he’s nice to me though.
He’s sweet and has big ideas and dreams. In another reality you two would be friends. The kind that **** heads. But still laugh in the end.
I miss you.
I wish you could be my friend.
We were such badass best friends.

I'm stuck.
Inside my head again
Each time on the edge
Of discovering why
I keep getting stuck
I’m lost once again
Once more thinking hard
While sleep eludes me again
I keep getting stuck
Wondering who I am
Wondering where I am
Wondering who the person in the mirror is
I remember being small
But it feels like those memories aren’t mine
I remember everything
About love about drugs about pain
I remember so much
Except who belongs to my name
I keep getting stuck
Jammed
Feet glued to the floor
Overwhelmed with sorrow
Disgust
Rage
And more
I keep forgetting
Who I am inside
Am I the packs of cigarettes
Empty bottles
Empty cans
Am I the twisted shell
Of a car once proud
Am I the cries
Of a girl
Abandoned by mommy
Wondering why forever
Mommy isn’t coming home
Am I the canisters
Lying on the floor
After a good few seconds
Of never wondering when the pain comes back
Am I really this girl
Who binge eats at night
Am I really this boy
That is scared to be mean
Am I really an adult
Out in the world
Never getting tired
Just blacking out
I can’t sleep
I can’t get tired
I can’t get a hold or a grip or a sight
I can’t peek through this tarp on my eyes
I keep getting stuck
In a hole in my head
I keep getting stuck
In a well in my heart
If I ever get out
Will I still wonder
Why I can’t remember who I am
And why I keep getting stuck

Did I tell you I figured out how to induce sleep paralysis? Did I tell you I can see what’s real and what isn’t when I’m between consciousness
Like the demon
And the pretender thinking it tricks me into believing its
The demon
But it’s wrong
WRONG BECAUSE
I CAN SEE
THROUGH ITS FACADE
it’s wrong
It doesn’t look quite right
It’s slightly off in a way you can’t quite name
I don’t feel it like the other thing
The demon
That watches and waits and whispers and whispers and whispers
Forever
Always ******* talking to me
This thing repeats over and over just like the demon
But I don’t feel this one
And it doesn’t speak quite right
It’s wrong
And new
But real
Maybe it’s Ava’s and I’m worried
But my thing
Still watches and whispers an stands behind me and walks behind me and ***** with me
It’s a shadow ******* moving too quick to see
Almost
It’s that fake little girl to gain your trust
That faceless thing
Faceless only because you can never
quite see it
Then to me
All alone
I see what it is
For real the real part it’s so scary
This demon
It’s ******* terrifying.
For the past six years its been a constant.
So tired.
So tired of the whispers
whispering
whispering
whispering

I can't ever wake up.
No words have ever rung more true.
Nothing I have ever heard, could I relate to more than those.
Because I'm afraid to fall asleep.
Afraid
Of my dreams.
Nightmares I can't get out of
I'm not allowed
I have to keep going through.
I've felt every way there is
To die
And to be hurt
I've lived a thousand deaths or more
And I can't ever wake up.

I realized something tonight, as I laid awake staring at the pages
Papers held so shakily,
Writing littering the margins
I've tried to die, and
I've hurt myself
Always trying to escape
But no matter what I try to do
I'm still around
Awake.

I hurt so deeply I can't imagine another exit
My own decision
My own plan
So I can stop my hurt.
I feel dead most times already
So what pain could death really bring?
What I realized earlier
Staring at my wrists
Awake and unafraid.
Only in my nightmares,
Can I never escape the pain.

This so called life,
Running through my veins
All of my choices, all my love all my pain
Everything I give
And the nothing
That I gain
All the silent screaming, and torment it's all in vain.
Because I realized I'm in a nightmare.
And I know there's no escape.

I'm trapped in every nightmare
I'm afraid to go to sleep
I stay awake for days
And I pray when I do sleep
That I'll have some regular dream some
Normal scene
Where I'm not afraid and alone
Not stuck
And forced
To do it on my own.

I realized no matter when I am
No matter what I try
No matter if I stay awake
I'm so far from alive
Time being a mess and me
Trying to make sense trying not to break
Getting confused and stuck
And sniffing and smoking and drinking away my dreams
Nightmares chasing me.
I figured it out.
I can't ever wake up.
Because I never left the nightmare.

And I can't
I can't ever wake up.

Alaska.
That's the name you don't call me.
Punctuation.
no longer gonna be a grammar ****.
todays the day when i decide, i dont want to be who i am outside
maybe i want to be hurting and happy and insane outside too
maybe i want to leave and move
emancipation is my situation
I want nothing more to leave.

My emotions aren't real, just something you can't feel
My mother not my mom, I can't be strung along
no longer.