my body is missing something
so i try to cover it in more fabric
bright colors and dark colors
skin tight or loose or covering no skin at all
but still my body is missing something
so i try to drink something
water or soda or juice or gin
i try wine so maybe my tongue will taste
as bitter as i feel
but still my body is missing something
so i scrub it
i place it under a steady stream of water
and i lather it in soap and i scrub away
until surely i must be brand new
but still my body is missing something
so i eat and devour
sweet and salty and bitter and comforting
and it sticks to the roof of my mouth
and i think maybe that’s what it was
but still my body is missing something
my body is craving something
i think it just wants
to be different.

such little interaction i know
just little pleasantries
but you remembered
out of all the distractions
you remembered.
i could build you up in my head
like a build-a-bear
give you a soft demeanor
make you a dancer
make you a painter
make you a soft soul
with seven cats and an
incredibly high score on guitar hero
in my mind, you could become
literally anything
and it’s a little scary.
there’s almost a 0% chance
that you’ll be who i think you are
who i think you could be.
thinking about you is dangerous.
i guess i’ll do it anyway.

all the doors swing so easily
i come out sadder
than i went in
it isn’t what’s in the frame
it’s what’s beyond it
that truly paints a picture
i can’t blame you for making it worse
when that’s all anyone ever did
for you

sometimes i miss the sirens
they used to send spirals through my bedroom window
out here the crickets can be so
suffocating
always i miss the people
always always i miss the people
they were mine, they were good to me
sometimes a lonely living room
can still have people in it
back home, that is
you'd think it would be difficult
to be lonesome
when you have so many people
at your fingertips
but i'm the living proof
that it happens every day.

is this not me?
the 2 a.m. questioning and
the brokenness of my body?
the loneliness and the doubt?
the wondering if i want this now
only because i think i will never
have it again?

is this version of me
any less true
than the version that is proud
and loud and brave?
is this not who i am?
is this not just as much me
as i was when i was
so different?

i wonder how i can swing like a pendulum
so violently from safe to scared
and then i remember
that i have never been steady
and i have never been brave enough
and i have never learned to be honest

this is me learning honesty

what do i want?
how do i ask that question
without fearing the answer?
how? how? who?

is this not me, too?

you found me at a dime store
said that i was priceless
said there was just somethin bout me
never could define it
dainty as a candle or the
stem of a wine glass
fill you up and tip you back
sorry for the contrast
you wrapped me up in ribbon
i admit it made me softer
swinging off the balcony
and hanging from the rafters
built a home of sandalwood
emotions made of plaster
you split into two dimensions
sorry for the after

i fell in love next to you
but it wasn’t with you

it was with the idea
that lying next to someone
can be religious
and a sacrifice can be
so romantic

give me away to the prospect
of death and holy matrimony
tie me to the stake and set it ablaze
i would burn for you
but only in theory

you tasted like saltwater
and i had never been so far
from the sea.

there’s a little bit of
everybody
in everybody
your colors reach my colors
reach their colors
how dare we forget
that we’re human?
how dare we forget
our time underground
before our growth?
how dare we forget
that we were just seeds
and by the water of strangers we bloomed?
and now that we are grown
and have our own supply
how dare we forget
to share?

i keep missing the point of everything
what am i doing here?
floating?
is it time to hold my breath
in naivety again?
i stopped growing yesterday
and today i’ve stopped wanting to.

if loving you was easy
i would have gotten bored by now
loving you isn’t a piece of cake
and that’s so fortunate
because i’m more of a pie lover myself
if loving you was easy
there’d be no reason for you
to put up with me
thank god loving you is difficult
i love that the most

they’re waiting on me in there
i just sobbed harder than i have in years
in here on my bathroom floor
and they’re waiting on me in there
where we’ll talk about new signs on the highway
and why the dogs are howling
and we’ll watch an old tv show
and i’ll pretend i relate to them
they’re waiting on me in there

i’ll say i got soap in my eyes
and that’s why they’re so red
they’ll know i was crying
but it’s the charade that counts

they’re waiting on me in there
i said i’d be quick but it’s been a long time
i needed time to be so, so sad
to be so far gone in this emptiness
that i didn’t even care if i came back

i’m sitting on my bathroom floor
so alone
and i don’t want to be anywhere else at all
i think that’s really, really sad

i’ve come to realize
that everything i put out into the world
is an apology for being there
in the first place
so, here goes:

i am sorry.

a coral reef would never judge me
for taking up too much space
it would just sway in the current
and tell me that
there’s a whole ocean out there
and i don’t have to settle
at the bottom.

i’m sorry i’m in love with him
i know he’s your birdsong in the early mornings
and your lemonade in the humid afternoon
and your sweater when the night gets chilly
i know he’s your everything
at any time of day
it’s just that most days
you aren’t his.

some nights you feel as if you have to be gentle with the air
if you **** at it too hard it will burst
like when you touch something
you aren’t actually touching it
and when you’re alone you’ve got someone right over your shoulder

ever notice how there are too many cars in the parking lot to be probable?
what are all of these empty machines doing just sitting here?

sometimes i switch faces
i always recognize the one i see but i don’t think it’s the one i’ve always had

i better turn the car on before something quiet gets me

my chest feels like a balloon and
it’s bound to pop
sometime
i’m just waiting for the needle
(people,
much like balloons,
are usually looking for a
reason to
deflate)

at the very least
i am substance
and in trouble because of it
we are all together
and altogether solitary
i think it’s both hideous
and angelic,
the fact that we were all born
as shots in the dark
and we somehow manage to land
on the board.

it’s a good idea to take a moment each day
to remind yourself where you stand
and who you could have been
had you been standing
somewhere else.

my state of mind is in liquid
drip onto the hardwood floor

i could find love in mushrooms
growing from my palms
before i’d find love in my
blood

voices outside the hall rattle this cage
like tree branches against a window

i’ve got a hole in my body today
losing all of my substance
but i can’t find it anywhere

i keep writing and all i want is to leave
and put light on a mannequin
so at least one of us
can feel warm.

this morning the sunlight was heavy
the air was like a blanket
and my brain told me to rise
but my eyes, they told me to rest
i did both
and thus, found a february peace
on the sidewalks.

seventy two degrees
cross cross on the hardwood floor
bohemian rhapsody
and moscato sangria
we spent the first minute of 2019
clinking plastic champagne cups
and making noise
i hope they heard us in hunstville
we’re the type to cheer
for other time zones too
i loved giggling and starting something new
i hope new year’s eve comes around again
next year too

its a lifelong feeling of
thinking i woke up in the wrong bed
i don’t know how i got here
it’s soft and i’m so tired
and maybe i’ll just rest for a while
even though i know i don’t belong

i wrote a story about my life
popping like a balloon
and she didn’t want it;
i guess we all get stuck with things.

sometimes in the winter
i worry that my insides
are colder than
my outsides

i was watered like a garden
then drowned in all the rain
they said it’d help me grow
but it just dilutes my taste.

(i was brewed like a strong *** of coffee
but i didn’t know how to say no
when they asked if i needed more ice cubes)

just a little pinprick
my own voice in my head like
needles and knives
yeah i know it’s stupid
but hey listen hey listen hey hey hey
i can’t stop listening
i can’t stop listening
i keep not talking and
i can’t stop listening

see the thing about
fighting for someone you love
is this:
when you’re fighting against a force
that is splitting you in two
opening you up to see
what your insides are really made of
then it’s a battle.
it’s noble and it’s good
and you are not alone
but when the force steps aside
and awakens you
but not your beloved
you must drop your weapons
remove your helmet and your gauntlets
and your blistering will to carry on
because once you realize that
the one you were fighting for
is now the one you’re fighting against
then, my dear,
then it is a war
and you have already had your fair share
of violence.

you make sense
and i make poetry
no one is allowed
to make both.

the front seat
is having a backseat conversation
and i rest in the vacuum
between the sunroof
and the pavement
we’ve liquified our laughter
so it sloshes in the trunk
earlier,
i brewed up a storm
tonight,
the storm is me.

during lectures on subtext
i stop listening
because i know what it is
i live it

in my wildest dreams
you opened your eyes when we were close
and made the decision
to move even closer

it took you asking me if i was sad
for me to realize
how sad i was

you are so kind
and i am so proud

even strangers can tell
that i’m lucky.

our bodies were made for dirt and dust
to glimmer in those early morning sunbeams
and the colors that shine through crystals
to settle on shelves around the edges
of picture frames and trophies
to cradle seeds that will crack open
and reach for the sun
to get underneath fingernails
and be swept into dustpans
and reclaim the nature that being alive
makes us forget
we’ll be dirt and dust when we’re dead
so for now
just try to appreciate the bodies
that came before you

i am not different
i am nothing like you
i am nothing but sorry
i am temporary but
i am in denial
i am listening and listening and listening
i am so many things
i am nineteen and
i am out of answers and
i am trying still.

my friend told me once
that it’s nice to see that smile of mine again
the one that reaches my eyes
and my fingertips
it came back when i found this freedom
this open space of a place
she said i was bright again
i think the sun behind my smile
is you

i am so heavy
string tied to my rib cage
like the delicate bow of my lips
behind the bars it’s ice
and behind my teeth it’s dry

an entire universe
is spiral bound
and waiting for me to finally
take some responsibility

sometimes i have to spend the night doing nothing
it’s sad but it’s honest
i can’t tell if i’m lonely or hungry

i think i have an appetite
for misfortune

“nobody else feels bad when they feel bad
so why should i?”

well honey that’s the difference
you’re not like them
you’re too sticky sweet and soft
no one wants to touch
and no one ever will again

i let a lonely wednesday creep up
i keep a key ring around my thumb
last night my feet were like leather
belted like whiplash
i may have crashed
a pink cough syrup daydream
flooded through the mainstream
i wonder could i have wandered
into nightlife
the way you tried?
we’ll all still be here next time
limbs like my father
a family tree won’t you agree
some punch and some slap
some kiss and come back
some don’t
we still miss the ones that go
plus the ones that stay at home
i’ve never felt so not alone
couch cushions and make-up bags
she brags
about a boy with pretty lips
he leaves before he quits
i think i came away with a photo
of a lover distracted by some other
consequence
he closed his eyes they took him in
i think it was
such a pretty melancholy mess
i missed you nonetheless.

sometimes it’s in the way he looks at me
the boy’s got eyes like something gentle
sometimes it’s in the way he doesn’t look at me
but the crowd’s got eyes that see it all
(and they like to whisper to me things like
the boy’s got something in him that’s made for you)
i think i’ve got something in me that’s made for him

sometimes it’s in the way he speaks to me
the boy’s got a mind like a wildfire like a whip
sometimes it’s in what he doesn’t speak at all
the time’s gotta be right and he knows when it’s not
i like to think of us as magnets though
and surely we’re opposite sides
because i haven’t repelled him yet

please nobody tell him i’m in love with him.

sorry my time is off your hands
don’t mind me
just contemplating my
insatiable hunger for something that
doesn’t quite make any sense at all

maybe i’ll just order some Chinese
and call it a day.

it’s becoming more apparent
that “life”is just a
fancy word for
a race that no one is
quite allowed
to win.

tonight’s air has the
perfume scent of acetone
and dewdrops
clumsy knees under tables
heads on shoulders

the little dipper in the sky
is scooping out some starlight
to soothe my worried throat

this morning i’ll dream
of angels and demons
and falling in love -
and with limbs heavy
but heart set alight,

i’ll reach out to an empty space
and wonder where
no one
has gone.

i know that the universe (or
whatever force runs it)
doesn't revolve around me
it seems unlikely
but sometimes i wonder if the universe (or
whatever force runs it)
caught a glimpse of me
and said "this one. yes
this one will be happy.
this one will find those ones
and they'll all end up okay."
still
sometimes i wonder if
the spinning angel
tucked inside
the foggy teapot in the sky
withdrew a blanket from
the clouds and settled in
to watch my life
fall into place.

the sanguine red
sloshes around in the glass
and it tastes so much better
off your tongue
you’ve got merlot
hiding on the back of your teeth
i hope to decay
with that taste
in my mouth.

i don’t think you know how i feel about you
i sent a text to my friend
explaining what i love about you
but it turned into less of an explanation
and more of a desperate outpouring of finally
thank god someone finally asked me to talk about you
i have so many things to say
i had a little too much wine
and you drank too much of a terrible-tasting beer
and you giggled and your cheeks got rosy
and i just wanted your hand on my knee
but i was satisfied with elbows.

i think about that time you spoke in honey
it was sweet before i knew i liked the sugar
but your jacket smelled like a familiar cinnamon
that i hadn’t yet realized i recognized
it was the same when you curled into me
my limbs were stiff and sore and the bed was far too small
and i was covered in a sheen of sweat
because our body heat was creating wildfires
but i still dream about it sometimes.

i can talk to you first thing in the morning
your timing has talked me out of the spiral
i love being your friend more than i have ever loved being anyone else’s
i know you worry
but you really don’t have to.
it’s not the glamour that we keep
it’s the gold.

he sits and stares out
at the fine line between the
ocean and the sky
and wonders how it would feel
to stand on it

is the world so fragile
that it would break on impact?

or is it so strong
that the harm of one
unimportant human
wouldn’t do so much as
slow the collision between
the sun and the sea?

we all put eggshells in our mouths
and beg for company
while we change the world
big changes are made by small footsteps
they forget to tell you that
in the shoe store
we’d rather turn ourselves to stone
than turn to face the mirror
i am not nervous
but terrified
but i’ll embrace the machine
anyway

i long for you
and the hurricane we could bring to a room
what am i supposed to say
when you look me in the eyes
and tell me that i
don’t have to worry?
how am i expected to not tell you
that i love you?
do you really expect me to believe
that you don’t already know?

pick me apart
i want to be your romance
your reason
your funny story in forty years
and i’d love the way you’d tell it

my poetry is written in vain
i don’t know how to ask you
if you want to read it
i just know that i
want you to read it

i’m so glad you’re the stranger i pursued
what would i do
i’d sink the ship without you

i’d like to put you to music

i always wish
someone would ask me
if i love you
oh i do
i do i do
flooded with wishes
when your head is next to mine
too much of me rests upon you
while my body can’t rest upon you
at all

i’m more excited to know you’re happy
than i am when i feel happy myself
you give me so much room to breathe
in conversation you listen
and i feel listened to

i am invaded by unexpected
bursts of love
my chest caves in when
i imagine you taking my hand
i had a dream in which
you reached for me
and it was so powerful that
i woke up

i lose my needs within my wants
you are both

am i expected to watch her
learn you and love you
while i just lose you?
yes i suppose i am

my heart is made of cotton
i wear it in my sleeve
please notice what you mean to me
i said you weren’t my type but
i know you understand
misdirection
i’d even settle for a three-piece
a dress a jacket and a rope
let me tie myself to you
i miss you and it’s been moments

are we not snake eyes?
roll again for doubles?
are we not doubles?

i don’t pray but i prayed for a couple
hand-me-down love songs
that i could sing to you
carbon copies of hallmark cards
you were already assigned to an angel
but would that angel give you
her wings?
i’m just a little devil with no wings to give
but i’d give you my shot at redemption

i don’t think you understand
i really don’t think you understand
i am in love with you.
i am so in love with you.
and i know it’s not that simple
but it really
really is.

my heart is wrung out
and exhausted
i know that neither fake teeth
nor grisly scars
are innocent in this home
but the good news is that it’s not really
a home anymore
so you don’t have to worry
about that.

what about him fills the hole in my heart?
why was there a hole in my heart anyway?
why do i get so cold over here?

my torso is static today
but there’s no movement in there
my chest dips inward
and my shoulders follow
until i’m inside out and prickly

your body is soft
and i miss it
don’t tell mine
it’ll just be
jealous.

i want that sepia tint love
put on your rose colored lenses and
pretend i’m someone you want or
want to want
just for a sec
just for a taste don’t
you remember the feeling you told me about?
the one about being in black and white
and that boy that you love
was the only colorful thing
you could see
can’t you take pity on a boy
who sees that disaster in you?
i know i’m desperate
you said you love his bitterness
i’ve got sugar on my lips but
you don’t need to know
kiss me and find out
how sweet
you really like it.

i burned up in a house fire
with a home made of cardboard
the floor made of grass
i want cotton on my ankle
can he hold me please
can me be gentle with my shattered pieces
i know you can be
i miss you from three feet away
and if i fall asleep
before i can tell you i’m proud
i’ll just tell you
tomorrow.

it's a battle between
the painting and the profit
and we're all looking for
a little change.