my dreams drain me,
pain me,
but i still wish they were real
in my dreams, i am the person i dream of being
i call you, i tell you i love you, and i fight to be real

once i claw my way to the surface,
that person has already drowned
10,000 leagues of dreaming compress my body
(and also two blankets)
i don’t call you. i don’t say anything at all.
and i wish i wasn’t real.

a thing claws at the walls of my abdomen
it roars for release
if i were stronger, i would dig my fingers
into my flesh
pull it apart, and
let the thing out

the thing is innocent. the thing is guilt
i guard my innocence. i am guilty

with this thing twisting my stomach, i feel nauseous
is the thing nauseous, or merely nauseating?
is the thing nauseous because of its own thing?
is the thing within clawing, too?

the thing within is truth. the thing within is afraid.
the thing is true. the thing is fear.
and i am the silent liar who seals all these innumerable things away.

i claw at the walls of my facade
i roar for release
am i the thing?

my teeth taste of the acid of remorse
if i’ve resolved to live a lie, why must these things claw inside me anyway?
did i resolve to live a lie?
or am i the thing?
if the things stop clawing, who am i?
if i am the thing, why am i trapped?

i am innocence. i am guilt
i am innocent. i am guilty.
i am truth. i am fear.
i am true. i am afraid.
and i am the silent liar who seals the innumerable ‘me’ away.

heart of feathers, heart of down,
keep me warm, won’t you?
cradle me soft, won’t you?
be my pillow, my quilt, my comfort
and carry me into dreams, won’t you?

mind of plumes, mind of quills,
help me fly, won’t you?
be my wings, won’t you?
give me flight, freedom, wind
and carry me to the clouds, won’t you?

my tears will drench your down
don’t let me drown, won’t you?
my tears will waterlog these wings,
but you’ll still fly, won’t you?

broken wings, broken bones
blood feathers, i won’t know
until i fall from the sky
and only then i’ll wonder why

you are a singularity of love and fear
boiling quarks and quasars coiled tight
thermonuclear thoughts each night

i am a yawning, dark emptiness
a void of dark matter, silently absorbing light
just behind an event horizon of love

if this abyss could somehow absorb your quasars
your entropy, your heat death
and all the plasma that plagues you
without eating away your love,
then finally the quarks in my heart could fuse into electrons
and protons, and neutrons
and hydrogen, and stardust
and the joy that this void could avoid your boiling—
but then i wouldn’t be empty anymore

"dimag ka dahi"
karare **?" mother jokes
she is so correct

“are you turning your
mind into yogurt?”, that means
bacterial mush

cerebral dairy
sludge sloshes inside of my
hollowed cranium

how many times must
i repeat, “i don’t want to
take any with me”

before she listens,
and relents, and lets me go,
and i can breathe at last

all i want is to
disappear altogether
so she can’t see me

so she can’t scold me
when i have done nothing wrong
so she can’t tell me
all the things i’m doing wrong
so i won’t be rude
when she has done nothing wrong
the problem is me
not always, but it is now
i, who did not take
medications that i should
i, self-saboteur,
orchestrator of my fall
i, sun-baked, tired
composing this long haiku
syllables be ******

sweet coco next door
provides me with a reprieve
from these swirling thoughts

i have eight eyes-
silver eye, gold eye
scarred eye, gouged eye
her eye, his eye
moon eye, sun eye
i must be a spider
crushed underfoot by a hysteric woman,
more afraid of her than she of me

there, in that pool of blood
lies the evidence of my
arrogation to presume
i could make the world a fool

truths i declared were lies
swirl down the porcelain
drown in condemning pain;
my identity's demise

umbilical conceit,
crimson hypocrisy,
with this sure paradox
why do i not know defeat?

vices binding my soul; ever complying
perfect obedience; never denying
i'm silent no matter how terrifying
i'm on the verge of tears but never crying
my lungs only produce a quiet sighing
i'm screaming final breaths but never dying
and all the while my pain's intensifying
my wings fledged and outstretched but never flying
i try to speak but there's no point replying
i'm done with all your endless justifying

you could've changed, but you're just never trying

kind of? it just fills me with so much-- so much desperation when I think about how many people want to die.

and i spent, like, almost three hours or something yesterday trying to talk people out of it online. because i was thinking about it. but most of them didn't change their minds, or anything.

did i fail them? i could have been their last chance. i could have been so many people's last chance. i could have saved them if i'd known the right words to say.

Woah, hey, hey, I gotta stop you there. You can't blame yourself for it if... if they don't change their minds.You're not the reason they want to die, so it's... it's not your fault if they do. And you're not making them any more likely that they will, either.

no, no, i'm not. i know it's not my fault. but... i just care so much! i can't believe they want to die. i wish i could tell them that i'm here for them and i want to give them all the things they wanted and couldn't get because life couldn't give it to them. i wish i could show them how beautiful it all can be.

But you can't.
You can't even help yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first, you know?

you and i both know that anything going on with me isn't nearly that serious

It should be.

what's that supposed to mean? are you trying to say that i should be worse? i should want... want to die?

No, no! Jeez. I mean you should take it seriously- as seriously as you've been taking random strangers' problems on the internet. If you don't take care of yourself, then maybe one day the tables'll turn and there'll be someone trying to talk you out of it. You matter too, you know. You're just human.

i

...Are you okay?

y
yeah. sorry. i'm just not used to this

Used to what?

you being nice?

I've been wanting to do this for a long time, but I always lacked the courage.
I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you in person. I was scared of what you might think.
I regret not telling you sooner.
I couldn't live like this anymore.
I can't live without you.
This has been coming for a long time now.
I know how I feel. It's okay if you can't accept it.
I love you. Forever.

Two roses intertwine, becoming one;
their fragile petals thirsting for the sun.
They lift each other’s leaves up to the light;
and so, together, blossom through the night.