I can't remember the last time that I was actually happy. Not the fleeting happiness of a funny joke or a cute animal, but deeply and utterly satisfied with my life.

Was it the warm nights in Spain that I spent dancing through the streets. Smile never far from my lips and the smell of ***** and freedom drifting through the air? Was it the rush of running through my new found apartment with the hopes and promises of being better academically and socially? Was it the night of Halloween when we first cuddled up by the campfire tipsy and falling in love? You telling me I deserved better than second place and promises of forever sweet treatment.

My head now swarms with fear and uncertainty. What is happiness. Where do I find it? Who am I and why do I feel like I am empty and out of control? These loud thoughts swirling in my head taking over control. Pressure building to extreme levels where that little voice tells me that the world is better off without me screams into my sad and scared void. Emptiness. When did you become so close to me.

As I lay in bed next to the man I thought I was going to spend my whole life with I don't even know where I stand. The fear of screaming and agitation at my actions or malfunctioning technology. The fear of an argument following closely behind any statement or conversation. Second place. Fun activities alone. Possible physical altercation. Where do I stand? I have lost control. I have lost myself... but I still have no idea where I stand.

Every day we move through life. In my experience not many people pay attention to others. Being self centered and self obsessed. Not considering that each person has their own individual battles they are fighting through. Life is a rollercoaster. There is disappointment. There are fall outs or disagreements. There are glaringly happy situations. But what I find ******* is that some people can't respect others or their feelings. No respect for their personal endeavors. I refuse to conform and be someones foot stool for all of their possible petty issues. I will listen. I will love. I will give people the respect they deserve. But don't ask me to sacrifice myself for someones amusement. I don't deserve to be treated as if I am insignificant. I am a living, breathing, and vivacious person. I will not be dulled by the entitlement of others.

As I took a picture of you,
You said you would rather take pictures of statues and great monuments, Commemorating hero's and events, made with precious stones with ornate details,
Far more beautiful and worth while than photo's of you.
But as you stood there looking forward,
Green eyes lit and smile spread wide,
You were far more gorgeous and spectacular than any piece of art that I've ever seen.
While you would rather stare off blissfully at the sights,
I was perfectly content with mine.

Letting go of your daddy’s hand to chase after butterflies is easy.
Letting go of your mommy’s leg to run to the school bus is easy.
Letting go of the monkey bars is easy.
Letting go of a ball after you throw it is easy.
Letting go of the hand of someone you loved so deeply so quickly is devastating.  
Letting go of you was never that easy.


I loved you so quickly and trusted you so blindly. I can’t even fault you or be angry with you leaving. You never asked me to care but I did. It was like one moment you were there and we were happy and smiling…. then next I was sitting in my room. Alone. Confused. Used tissues surrounding me and my eyes clouded with tears. I listened to all the music you sent me and sometimes I can’t even believe that you meant the promises of being a favorite.

Devasted.
Broken.
Embarrassed.
Ashamed of myself for letting someone so close far too quickly. You promised me you were different but it all ended the way I am used too.

I thought I couldn’t do it. I thought I would be stuck on that kid with that **** snap back forever. I thought that I would get married to him and maybe have a future. Just maybe because there was such optimism in his voice when he said those words to me that I actually started to believe them.

I don’t hate myself for it. I don’t hate you for it.

I saw her Facebook the other day. “In a relationship” is usually the knife in the chest… it stung a little, but I think what bothered me the most was that the boy with the tattoos that made me all of these promises threw them in the trash. I think what hurts the most is having no closure. Abrupt endings hurt the worst when you have to rip your ties free of that person and try to fix the frayed ends. I was ****** and hated her… but then I realized I don’t hate her. I am actually really happy for her… and you because hopefully this is different for you. Because you deserve to be happy. Because I want her to be happy. But most of all because I deserve to be happy. There is no room in my heart for bitterness. I don’t deserve to be stomped on. Mostly because I forgive you and it is time to start moving on to a life I deserve.

I deserve to be the light that warms the room. I deserve to be the wind that freely travels the world. I deserve to be a free spirit. I deserve to experience love without fear of the past. I deserve to have a bright contagious smile and laugh and chase after the people who will better my life.

I never thought I would get to this part but I am still learning. Learning how to trust. Learning how to study. Learning how to interact with others. But mostly learning to let go of those who willingly leave my life.  

I am learning but I still have a long way to go. At least I can say that the pain of learning has never made me happier. So this is me… still learning to let go.

Everyone in the world has their favorite things.
Some people may claim it is raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens or something like that.
Some people claim it to be music.
Others prefer being in warm beds with cool sheets.
For me personally it is being back in the 17055 laying in my bed writing. Promising myself to be a better person and not to be such a ***** up. I am tired of letting go of the people I consider to be so wonderful. I just miss the person I had been. The fact I messed up is a **** shame so I think I need to continue to reiterate it. I look at myself and wonder where I went wrong.
I’m not anyones favorite anymore, but being told I was for awhile was nice. It meant a lot to me for a long time. It allowed me to dream. It allowed me to try and at least push myself to something better. I just wish that something as heavy as that wasn’t thrown at me. We could have been untouchable and free. But here we are. I will move on to be something else.  So hopefully someday I’ll be on the road. Seeing my favorite things in the whole world. The things that make me happy. Someday I’ll find my calling and eventually leave a parting gift each time I leave someone behind.

My thoughts are scattered in a million places. I feel my chest constrict with every single breath that I take. The constant stabbing in my heart coincides with every beat that it takes. The stabbing is consistently getting stronger and stronger as time goes on and becomes so overwhelming I feel as if i should cry out in pain.

I feel the ever present black cloud hovering over me at all hours of the day. It ***** the energy out of me. I can’t seem to tell if that black cloud is just my past, or if it is you.

When you left me standing in my drive way that cold rainy evening in April could have collapsed from the feeling in my chest and the pit in my stomach. As you drove away it was as if I was unraveling. The memories started pouring through my mind like a bright light. Flashing before my eyes like segments and scenes of a movie. The smiles danced past my eyes, and your smile seemed to be seared in my memory. Thinking of all of the time and secretes we shared. I had let you in and knew I handed you a knife, that you now lodged in my heart, and now it is threatening to rip me apart.

The only time I get relief from this is in those moments I open my eyes in the morning. For those few brief seconds I am light hearted…. for those few brief seconds I am actually okay…. but you ruined that for me because mere seconds later I feel everything crash down on me and start to crush me. The pressure is so painful that I shed silent tears and come to terms with the fact I can’t do it. My heart is more than aching and I feel my insides begin to press against my bones as they start to swell in panic. As I stare at the blankness of the ceiling I think of the vastness of the world, and the emptiness I feel in myself. I tell myself I can’t face the world… then a miracle occurs and I find something to whisper hope in my ear that I need to leave my bed and face the world.

After fighting with myself to stand and go outside. I move. I put on my mask to endure the world, and take what it throws in my face. I pretend it rolls right off of me as it leaves large ugly bruising diffusely spread across my body.