oh what a fool i was
so scared of who you would be to me
i believed i had seen the dustiest corners of your mind
i was afraid it was all a lie, all a joke  
every door, each window wide open
i was scared you would know me too well,
scared i would love you too much
oh what a fool i was
the only thing i should have truely been afraid of this whole time is being without you
because that is the real scary stuff

once you were gone i stopped writing
and hand in hand with the words unpoken
left the wholeness you had planted in my heart
when you turned around i could see snowflakes imprinted on your back
staring daringly at the little tree growing in my chest
i tried to protect and nurture the words in my brain
that after all were just the leaves of what had once been a seed in the form of a single look
the cold that filled your absence
froze the river that had watered my mind
and each leaf one by one turned yellow then brown before it sank to the bottom of it all
left naked and vulnerable, the tree, it died as the did the words
while i watched the sun and warmth that you embodied get into a car
and drive away without looking back

everything happened so fast
we cried
i left
and just like that
it was all over
like we hadn't meant anything
as if we hadn't loved each other
it was nobody's fault
except for maybe life's
we had promised to stay together
a promise we couldn't keep
i wonder whether i am the villan
you stayed behind waiting
miserable is all you were
i couldn't watch
and he made it so easy
easy to forget
how much i loved you
despite the ocean between us
you saw me being happy
and you hated him for it
and i hated you
for not wanting me to be
you made my life colorful
it all faded without you
i was scared of the dull grey
and he sparked a fire, brought light
it felt like being saved
how unfair to want that
i disgust myself

day and night
my thoughts are running in circles around you

at the break of dawn
i recall every minute, every second, every breath, every touch
when the sun sets
my brain conjures new memories
intertwining the real and the imaginery
afraid of letting you go completely
scared i might forget
the pierce of your brown eyes, the intensity of your cologne mixed with the scent of a gin tonic, the food stain on your pink hoodie, the raspiness in your voice
when you told me you needed me too

i know you have left
but does that mean you are really gone?

right outside our tiny refuge
lives a magnolia tree
strong and beautiful

blossoming only for a handful of days
we find its beauty in pastel colors so brief yet breathtaking
to be adored year after year without fail

only in the perfect spot will a magnolia thrive, your grandma says
how do you know whether you've found it?, i ask
you don't until you plant it, you answer

when the world burst into flames
you saved yourself
watching as i caught fire

i reached for the saving water,
threw it at you without hesitation

thankfully apologizing
you turned around and walked away

left behind a blazing flame,
a tower of smoke in the dark night sky
reaching for the gleaming stars

Well beneath my sarcasm
My hatred for the world

There is a different story waiting
Waiting to be told

For I am made of poetry
Of sunsets
And the moon

Of summer rain
And chocolate smell
And nights that end too soon

It's hidden well
It's out of sight
It's on you to find the key

For my fragile little world,
My dear,
Is not for everyone, you see?