what hurts more
being in love with someone you can't have
or
being out of love

what hurts more
knowing how it would end up
and still trying
or
leave with curiosities

what hurts more
being so deeply in love with someone silently
or
not being loved back

what hurts more
the agony of not knowing
or
listen to the harsh truths

what hurts more
to finally able to love
or
not being able to love

what hurts more
being in love with another person
instead of the one in front of you
or
being someone's hidden lover
knowing fully that you are
just his love affair

i know where is this going
sigh.


but is it wrong if i just want to be happy for the first time?
is it wrong to be wanting someone so bad after a long time
why can't i be happy?
am i not deserve the loving and the happiness in this world
can you please stay
please
*stay

i found your hoodie
on the corner of my room
when i cleaned it up this morning
and suddenly remembered
on how i hated it when
you wear snapback.
i would snatched it from your head
and hid it somewhere in my house
i even once hid it in my freezer
forgot bout it until my mom found it
you hated it when i do that
'bad hair days', you would say.
i had never told you the reason why
but i like to play with your hair

there were so many times
i choked up and swallowed back an
'i love you too's
not because i don't love you
but because i know you've someone
on the other line

you told me i sleep too much
'like a cat', you would say
i'd never told you the reason why
but that's because
i'm tired,
for my mind is running over the thoughts
of why it took you so long to reply
it would be because of her

i'd never told you how
i really liked you in those
short sleeves plaid shirts you've got
and that
navy blue hoodie
i should had done that
and i'm sorry for i stole that hoodie from you

there were times when you asked me something
and i challenged you for it
you laughed in surprise
i sat facing you on your passenger seat
legs crossed, cheek leaning on my palm
hair aside
you stared at me instead of the road
we stared at each other for a moment
even when you're driving
i could swore we looked like we were in love
or weren't we?

the last time we held hands
i traced 'i love you's on your hand
i didn't try to make the gesture noticeable
for i wanted to mark your skin
before she held it
and claimed it as her
i wrote invisible ink on your palm
for that's how i've always love you
in the silence
be your ghost

on our last day,
you probably wondered why i look so cold and distant
and yet so calm.
maybe it confirmed your uncertainty
of how heartless i was.
little do you know i barely made it
upstairs to my room without
a single tear.

you probably think on
how i'd never loved you true
or what were we
or what your feeling was to me
and i'd probably will never know
why you did what you did to me
why you hurt me
after you swore that you loved me
we were too young back then
you probably think i am happy now
i'm not
and i'm drowning
i am choking up on i love yous
and i hope you're happy
i just hope that
it was a bad timing
and not a wrong person

i passed by you today
seems like i could never escape you
the radio tells me
that nothing has changed in this old town
we seem to keep running
into each other
for we are in a circle
where's the stop sign?

for all these times
nothing has got me quite worried
as much as the thoughts
of not being able
to love another soul
like you.
of the thought that
it would take me years
to move on
or
would i even be able to do that?

but nothing fears me the most
than
not being able to feel the same
emotional attachment
with any other soul
like we do.
what if i grow up
and ended up
not loving someone who i got married with?

*what if there is no one else quite like you

i'm sorry
for i am still thinking about your warm eyes
that seem only speak honesty
and sincerity
to me
eyes are the window to your soul, they said.
and for just now i do realize
how i could see you
even when you had never told me how you feeling
for your eyes had let me see you in your most vulnerable state.

i'm sorry
for i am still dreaming of you
for i am missing you so
and i am yearning for your presence

i'm sorry
for i am still seeing you
in every steps i take
and everything i do
for i cannot seem to forget you
for no one had quite got me like you do

i'm sorry
for i am a selfish soul
for wishing that you would be missing me too
when clearly you are happy
with her

i'm sorry
for the wound you gave me
still has not closed yet
sure you cut too deep
it would leave it's mark

i'm sorry
for being emotionally drained
for i have becoming numb
and pushing you back in the most secret place of my thoughts
yet your shadow still towering me
i have to push you back
before you come and overtowering me again

i'm sorry

i hate it when you act like i know nothing about you;
when you have to explain yourself to me
as if i was just another stranger in your life

you don't have to tell me
that you were not using me
despite of what my friends had told me
because i always know it was never your intention

you don't have to explain to me
why you did what you did to me
for i understand clearly
even when i lay awake for hours at night
questioning what your exact reason was

for she was she
and i was i
and we were just you and me
and never an us.

people come and go in my life
it seems more like
my heart is just another door
though i had never counted
those who left
until it was you

lately i've been meeting a lot of new people
funny how i seem to be a new different person now
that you're gone
it seems like i'm trying so hard
to replacing the void that you left
with every single pieces of new people
in hope that that would be
a bit of them that would
remind me of you
and make you seem whole again.

lately i've been meeting a lot of new people in my life
'are you seeing someone?'
'where's your significant someone?'
they would ask.
'nope. i have none',
my mouth says.
but how come my thoughts wander back to you.
and my heart breaks everytime i say it.
and i've become more numb the more i say it.


*we were never a thing.
hell, i'm not even sure you ever loved me.
but how come it felt so real?
how come it could hurt this much?

and all these years
they told you that heartbreak would be
not being able to do anything;
crying most of the days;
not being ok for a long time;
being able to hear the sound of your heart breaking;
'the heart break syndrome', they would say.
'time heals', everyone promised.
'this too shall pass', everyone whispered.
'it will strengthen you', they encouraged.

what they did not tell you
was that
heartbreak would make you do the unthinkable.
crying on your bathroom floor during shower.
muffling your crying on your pillow.
trying to explore yourself.
meditate, read books, watch movies, writing.
waking up with puffy eyes.
and have to go on like nothing happened.
lock yourself in your own room at night when you get home.
laying awake staring at the ceiling.
counting on what you did wrong.
replaying every scenes.
endless pool of tears -
those kind that make you really tired;
not the sleepy kind of tired,
but the 'God-please-end-this' kind of tired.
praying to God to please just end this
for you cannot take more pain.
asking God on what you had done wrong in life
to deserve this kind of pain.
do i even still believe in God?

they did not tell you that heartbreak
change your perspective in life.
that it would feel like you are suffocating;
unable to breath.
where is the air?
even when you sleep,
you wake up and dreaming about him again.
the desperation to end it;
that you would google
'how to deal with heartbreak'
or the desperation to ask people for help.
but you know it's useless
and you don't want to be a burden.
or when you hear others telling you about their relationship
and you can not even give them any advices anymore.
'i used to be so good at giving advices', you think to yourself.
but now not anymore.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you numb
when you are surrounded by people.
the way you get yourself throughout the day
and do the daily routines
laughing,
do random things,
being weird;
'you are still the same old you even after all these things', they would say.
'no i'm not', you tell yourself.
even when your heart is broken
or the way
you would act like you had never got your heart broken
or the way
others would tell you their problems
and you have to act
like you are okay
and you have none

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you feel this useless
like how you suddenly think of
'i am so broken'
and yet you could not
even think
of telling anyone
because of how pointless it would be
'what's the use? they don't get it like i do', you would think.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would take this long to heal
'time heals', i used to say
'this too shall pass', i used to tell my friend.
but now
i am not so sure anymore.
time heals, they say.
*well, i'm still waiting for the time mine would heal

you captured my heart
by the way you told me
to not be scared of love
that not all men are like my dad.

or maybe it was the simple thing you do
like noticing every little detail of me
like how my eyes resemble your cup of latte
unlike other girls's black coffee.
how it's blinking when
i talk bout things i am passionate about
or how it saddens me to see beggars
or how i easily cry during movies

'like Sadness from Inside Out', you said;
my head is full of overthinking thoughts
'i don't like figuring you out', you would say.

or maybe it was because you care about me
in a way nobody had ever
'let's visit your mother's grave sometimes'.

or how i could feel your sympathy
when i told you about my dark past
and the secrets i've never told anyone
and you remain silent.
'it was my first time holding my tears in front of a girl',
you later confessed.

and maybe it's because you know
what i would like to do in life
my perspective of life
my fears, secrets and dreams

or maybe it was just simply because of you
and your absurd too-many-questions.
or how you would ask me for a high five
and ended up capturing my hand in yours
and intertwining it with yours.

or your sudden 'i miss you's
and your warm hugs
your hand wrapped around me
or you pulling my nose playfully
you telling me 'i love you's
or those looks you give me
as if i can feel your sincerity and affections
and how you understand what i feel
without me telling you about it.

'i feel like i can instantly know what you feel',
you claimed.
'i have never felt so emotionally connected with someone before', you said.
'i will not tell anyone about your secrets. it will be safe with me'.

'but i am not looking for anyone or anything serious right now',
you added

'i want you to know that i am your best friend.
and honestly, you are my number one best friend.
you can count on me.
i don't want you
to avoiding me
i want us to remain friends'.


and you know what happened at the rest of the story.

'I don't think you're capable of loving anyone',
he said
hands on steering wheel
twinkling eyes on the road

breath in.
breath out.
suddenly i forgot how to breath
pang on my chest
'but i love you' - i wanted to scream so bad.

but how could i say it
when i had never done that
how could i say it
when i had never learned to say it
how could i say it
when i had never loved anyone
before you
show me
teach me how
please
wait
a little bit
longer
as i
learn
how to love
for
there was
no one
else
before you

i desperately wanted to say so.
yet i let a little pained laugh.
'of course I am', I answered.
'tell me at least one person that you love other than your family'.
i could sense it
your hope dangling
you had been patiently waiting for me to say it out loud
yet still
how to say it?
how
say it, please.
now
please

i feel your disappointment
within those silence.
and i'm sorry.
for i could not say it out loud.
but i loved you.
and i still do.

*yet you're gone before i could even learn to say it.
and now
you left me screaming it to the world out loud alone

I wonder what come across your mind
when you see me now
passing by acting like a stranger
as if we had never been in each other’s life
as if we had never grazed each other’s skin
as if we had never craved to be in each other’s side
as if I had never open up my soul for you
does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you are alone driving midnight
and finding the passenger seat empty
occupied by the ghost of me
‘you always take control of the audio player in every single car’.
do you just listen to the radio now?

I wonder what come across your mind
everytime you get into your car
buckle up for your ride
do you still hear the ghost of my voice telling you to put your seatbelt on?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you spend most of the nights watching movies
till 4am
losing sleep
are you suddenly reminded about how i always whine and hate when you do it

I wonder what come across your mind
when you open the backseat of your car
and find the yellow pillow that belongs to me
i used to hug it all the time
does it still smell like me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when our songs play on the radio
or the songs that I used to love
yet you hated it
do you skip the song now?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you find little things that are my belongings
like my handwriting of your name
across your books
carved it’s ink deep
on a piece of paper
leaving it’s mark
do you ever think of ripping it?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you are at the coffeeshop
that we once claimed as home
where you told me you missed me
for the first time
have you ever been there since our last time?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you look at your cup of coffee
the smell of it
and your first sip of your hot latte
does it resemble me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you look at her
do you compare her with me?
is there anything of hers that remind you of me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when our memories suddenly surfaced
do you try to block it?
or is that the reason why you bring her
to places we used to go?

I wonder what come across your mind
when someone said my name between the conversation
do you think to yourself ‘I broke her heart’ over and over again
or
does it make your chest heavy
or
do you even care

I wonder what come across your mind
when you can not sleep at night
is there a part of me
that cross your mind?
are you sorry for ever hurting me?
are you even wondering what am I doing
or how I’m doing
do you ever meet me in your sleep
and dream of how I love you true
*do you regret for ever hurting me