all of this time
I've been suffocating myself with the idea of
Love
I thought maybe
if I loved hard enough
I would be happy.
I was wrong.
Love
was the downfall.
Love
tore me apart and stomped on the pieces.

now I'm here.
Emotionless
but entirely filled with emotions.
Loveless
but weighed down by the love I carry.

and it all started
with
You.

everyday
you ask me
"are you okay?"
and everyday
i answer with the same
"im fine"
and you believe it.

you ask me if im okay
as if you didnt break me
you ask me if im okay
as if you had stayed
you ask me if im okay
as if it matters even the slightest to you.

no
im not okay
will i tell you?
no
so for now until then
i am okay

and i dont love you.

my love is shown through caring.
you may think thats normal,
its the same as everyone else.
but no.
I care far more than anyone you will ever meet.
I care so much that I scared you away.
there is no harm in caring.
I actually wanted you for you.
I actually wanted to give you all the love I had in my heart,
but that scared you.
the closer I attempted to get,
the farther you ran.
and that is the reason
I've learned not to care.

I cant trust you.
I knew it from the beginning
I cant trust you.
I dont know you
but yet
I still love you.

the reality is
i fall too hard
too fast.
i care too much
for the ones who care too little.
i love too much
and it makes me blind.
im naive
when theres someone i want.
i'll do whatever you ask
and i'll give you whatever you want.
i'll always want your attention
and i'll always try to make you happy.
im emotional
im dramatic
i'll tell you when i think something is wrong.
it will take a while to get me to trust me
but once i do
i will give you everything i have.
i'll love you until you break me
and then i'll love you again.

this is it.
this
is who i am.

I've come to a realization
that love is merely a concept.
an immitation of emotions inside our minds.
we dont know love.
its an idea that we attempt to make a distinct reality of.
its an interpretation.
everyone makes their own definition.
i dont know love.
love is a trick of the mind.
its a mixture of chemicals that spark when you look at me.
its a saddening representation of happiness that nobody can explain
you dont know love.

and you certainly dont feel it for me.

theres a swimming pool built up
inside my mind.
made from bottled tears- the ones I cant cry.
I swim in this pool
everyday
every night.
but the floods of self loathing wont leave my eyes.
when I look up at you though
they no longer fight.
they just flow right out
until they are dry.

but its not that I love you
its that thing that you do.
that look that you give me
like you can see right through.
never let me stay
but never let me leave.
you asked what I want
but never what I need.
and so here I stand,
right in front of you.
tears from my eyes
because of yours that are blue.