he carved her name across his skin

and burried deep inside his heart

everytime her name slipped out of

a tongue

the wound stings

like a freshly slitted wrist.

i don’t like what i see in the mirror
because i am nothing more than an ugly mess.

tired eyes
flabby tummy and big thighs
self harm scars
and layers of skins enough to hide my confidence.

i don’t like my reflection.
i don’t like them at all.

i was told that i was perfect the way i am
but then they would tell me
“maybe if you lose weight a little bit more
you could get rid of that chubby cheeks and double chin”.

so i skipped breakfast,
and lunch,
and dinner,
and sometimes i lose control and puke all the way out.
my throat would burn but i felt victorious.

and just like that i spend days and weeks and months and every moments counting calories that will flow down inside this mouth
one hundred
two hundred
not more than three
or else their terrifying gazes will speak to me and say
“ew, disgusting.”

i hate my reflection and i dislike my being
because who would have loved a person like me,
a person with self love the size of a teardrop?

and then they told me again that i don’t have to go on diet because i’ve got the body of Victoria’s Secret’s models

but again,
why would he left me for a girl
well,
she has smaller wrist, bigger chest and she’s always alive
i don’t blame him though
i am really not enough, right?

because anyone can say those three words
and anyone can say you’re perfect
as long as you fit their idea of perfection

i am no goddess and i know my place

but maybe
just maybe
someday,
i will finally be enough.

my friends told me that i should move on

i still have your pictures in my camera roll
for they hold the memories of us and your smile

i still have your favourite sweater hung in my cupboard
unwashed,
because it held your scent

and i still leave the half of my bed empty,
hoping when i wake up
i will see you beside me instead

i search for you in everyone
in crowded room and empty streets
it feels like u were nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

they said i'm going crazy
but maybe they're right

because i thought

maybe if i keep on having even the slightest hope

maybe you would come back.