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mae Jan 2015
The world is growing up,
and I'm stuck behind in 2009.
mae Jan 2015
I am the stresser; in which the stress controls me. It powers me up and tears me down.

It's the reason behind my failure and my mistakes in which I hate so passionately.
mae Jan 2015
It's okay to be upset.
Especially when you have to put Gram Gram down.
I try to be funny way to often.
mae Jan 2015
Nothing I do is perfect, and that's what terrifies me.
I stare and stare at the crooked lines and microscopic germs,
not able to be seen under the naked eye.

My room intimidates me to the extent in which I'm afraid to enter.
The mess is obscure, chipped paint off the walls and pencils thrown to the sides in utter frustration.
I can't focus when what I'm doing isn't exact.

Math causes me to panic.
Not because of the algebraic expressions, but because of the erase marks that always litter the paper afterwords that never seem to hide.
They're always there, showing off how horrid my handwriting looks.

The idea of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder makes me want to scurry.
I know I'm a living example of it, and I know how nerve-wracking it is being around me.
Because everything needs to reach my standards, and nothing ever does.
mae Jan 2015
Someone once told me that it was okay to cry.
I opened up, sharing my deepest secrets and insecurities, and she simply left. I guess she was one of them. One of the people who are fine examples of giving up.

Someone once asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I told them I wanted to help. Then they laughed,
claiming helping would never get me through life. Saying I could never become someone who saved lives.

Someone once helped me through the deep end, swearing on their life they'd never tell a single soul. I got confronted one day, and my entire world collapsed. I lost complete trust, I was lost and betrayed.

Someone once promised me that I could do anything and everything. And that was the day my life turned around. I had faith, not only in myself, but in the road ahead.

That someone was me.
mae Jan 2015
I hate her.*
I know I shouldn't since it's not her fault.
But I just do.

She fights her inner demons.
I just annoy her, her prickly voice being too much.
I just can't help it.

She threatens to **** herself.
And all I do is edge her on, one minute by the next.
It's hard not too.

She sneaks out to have ***,
I scoff and tell her to, "Get a ******* education."
And she breaks the tiniest bit more.

She swallowed pills to end her life,
it didn't work, because we knew what was happening.
And then we all snapped.

She blames it on her condition,
throwing fits and telling us she'll **** us in our sleep.
And I believe her.

She's mental, a psychopath, a verbal abuser,
who knows what'll happen the next time someone fights with her.
No one, not even Him.

She believes she's lower than the dogs,
and I tell her she's lower than the ground.
Because I don't understand. .

She calls me a "spoiled princess" and blames me.
I get where she's coming from after all I've done.
And trust me, I'd blame me too.
I had no intention to be offensive to anyone if that's how you took it; my sister's living with BP NOS (Bi Polar ; Not Otherwise Specified) and everyday is living hell for everyone in the house. This poem is how I feel about it, how someone actually feels living with someone with a sibling who struggles with a Bi Polar disorder.

It's heartbreaking, especially my reactions.
In which I don't take too much pride into either.
  Jan 2015 mae
regina
please tell me i’m beautiful
just once, in any language, and i can carry it with me
i can carry it with me in the lines of my hand
that once pushed paper with a beautiful man
conventionally beautiful.  there’s no interpretation.
you’re a mother-in-law’s dream and a teen sensation
—-
please tell me your secrets
just one of them, in any language, and i can carry it with me
i can carry it with me in the back of my mind
remembering dress shirts and forearms and nickles and dimes
i’ll guard the gate as you send me to sleep
with tall tales of the shamans, your spirit i will keep
—-
please pray for me
just a prayer, in any language, and i can carry it with me
i can carry it with me in the valves of my heart
stained with india ink and dynasty art
my christianity is calligraphed in confusion and sin
stand at my threshold.  let me color you in.
—-
i want you more than currency can borrow
i want you more than i want tomorrow
but not with the linen on the bed.  
only the libretto inside your head
of montana roads, memos hidden on the run,
and doorknobs shining like the sun
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