Spinnin’ runnin’ circles on my mind like a roller coaster
Feelin’ feelings of fumbles and tackles I ain’t supposed to
Facin ‘ the loss of a good person just like I remember
In December suspected the fallin’ out but things were simpler

Happier times and facin’ the world – we were together
Smiles and happy vibes all around – birds of a feather
Can’t seem to pinpoint the exact moment within our history
When everything was fallin' apart like an unsolved mystery

Connection so sacred, how can this love turn into hatred?
She ain’t the one? I’m guessin’ it’s time to exit the matrix
Face the world at its bleakest gettin’ tired of all this fake ****
Cupid’s venom radiatin' on a regular basis

Stasis at its most basic got me feelin’ like an instrument
Gettin’ played by many different women  - a state of detriment
Turnin’ to Howard Hughes – isolation within the bachelor pad
Couldn’t accept the division of us - guess this is the aftermath.

This morning will be a different one, for he will meet a girl
With an auburn eyes, a winsome smile and a hair that is curl
Strange she is, but in a beautiful kind of strange

The boy will stop and stare, will be lost in her haunting sad eyes
She will not notice, and will never knew, that cupid has
shot the boys young heart

The boy found a reason to go out every morning
To see her again, he was hoping
For her smile becomes the sun that brightens his day

He will sit from afar, and with an admiring eyes, just watch her
She paints, she reads, and sometimes plays with her dog's fur
He will silently watch and enjoy the beautiful scenario

It goes for almost a week
"I must be crazy, why do I stalk this chic?"
But he doesn't know the answer

All he know is, the girl brings peace to his heart
Her eyes and smiles are a piece of a pure art
and her laughs are a song to his ears

He could not explain it, watching her makes him happy
and sends a warm chill to his heart, very fancy
"I need to know her name"

The next day, the boy waited in vain
But the girl never came
"I'll wait again tomorrow"

It's been a week, but she never showed up again
In his chest a sadness and pain
Could not accept, she looked for the girl

He found out that the girl loves to paint
But the smell of the chemical will cause her to faint
That's why she sneaks out and do it once in a while

He found out that the girl loves reading
But her eyes failed her, every letters are dancing
That's why she sneaks out and pretends to read

He also found out that her hair was just a wig
And her red lipstick was to hide her pale lips
And finally he found out her name








With a sound of a breaking heart
He reads her name
*On her graveyard

I was clean for a couple months, I'm not really sure how long, I stopped counting on things a while ago.
I'm not talking about drinking, *** or drugs, as i continue to indulge myself in those pleasures, but to a limit. I've never been one to lose myself at the bottom of a beer glass, or let ***** slink down my throat, although I do enjoy the feeling of warmth on my skin, it's soothing, for a change.
Alcohol is a reminder of him, No not a  break up or lost lover, I  wish it was as painless as that. It is more about abuse. The emotional and physical torture of him, how he laughed as his words slurred almost as quickly as my life faded and self harm became a sinister escape from this dooming thing we call, reality.
I thought I was okay. The doctors said I was, that's why they let me leave on the condition of pills but I felt useless having to rely on a smile in a bottle to make me feel, nothing, because I felt too much, at least that's what the nurses said. They wanted me to feel numb, so I did. I let the colour from my paintings disappear with salty tears and the dance in my soul snap,
I became grey in a black and white world, I didn't belong in.
So I stopped taking them and maybe that was the critical error in this sequence, but it felt so good to breathe for once. I could feel crisp air in my blackening lungs and as oxygen seeped it's way through my wilting body, I began to grow petals.
Only I'm not a flower nor a beauty, quite frankly I see myself as the opposite. I'm more like the watering can that feeds my friends and those around me, I guess I cut pieces of me apart in order to give it to others but that's what feeling alone does to you.

It's taken six years and a lifetime of strength to battle these demons that use my happiness to feed on. I pushed away the feelings of before, I tried to ignore, but I failed. I was told to reach out to someone before I let the blades touch me so I tried but I was ignored. Acid tears fell from my dimming blue eyes and without hesitation blades returned and ripped my pale skin, pale in colour and life. I'm told I see beauty in everyone, but never in myself and perhaps that's why the Crimson red looked beautiful on my canvas because there was colour on me. I felt alone and the shiver to my bones but I was found.
Perhaps it's a sign that I should try this living thing, one more time.

Strip down to your
Pixilated skeleton
Unless someone tells you,
you'd never
know
Where you
came from

Feel the pull from the
yellow sun  
peel away the sky
and discover
On whats under
underneath
    
You don't need to
crawl on needles
and nails
to understand
we are frail

I'm a circus on a sinking ship
I asked the clowns to walk to plank
But the jokes won't quit

Yellow balloons
Big noses
Red shoes
And squirting roses

The laughs from ashore
Rival the tides
Coming in waves

Left by my own side

The bow is starting to crack
Under the pressure of the lion
Jumping through its fiery hoop

The shrouds once held tight
Now they are fraying
And starting to droop

An iceberg would be welcomed but we are in hot water

Not even a shark insight
I've been leaking blood

But still not a one to bite