treading in
being good
but not good enough
being close
but never quite there

paddling through
exercise quality
determining how well i will feed myself
compulsively squeezing
stomach, thighs, arms
knowing i could be more
if i could somehow be less

drowning in
continuous second guessing
and the slow burn of jealousy
that roils in the pit of my stomach
begging for reassurance

i wish i knew how to float

I left you five hours ago and I miss you so much that it physically hurts me.
I understand that I am being excessive, but it is a feeling I cannot ignore.
And I have not felt this way in a long time.
I miss getting breakfast with you and eating an enormous omelette without feeling guilt. Sitting across from you in a coffee shop, admiring the way your eyes seem to glow in the dim light. Your head on my lap as I read Gaiman (you told me I have a lovely voice). I miss doing absolutely nothing with you for the entire day and feeling more fulfilled than if I had been busy and productive.
I have not felt this way in a long time.
You've reminded me that holding someone close should cause a continuous, comforting burn in your heart. That drinking with one person you love can be a lot more fun than going to parties (even when you drink too much and I have to take care of you the next day). That alone is not always better. You've reminded me that writing your feelings down soothes the pain.
I left you five hours ago and I will feel a gaping empty space until I see you again.

it scares me that our time together is limited.
for now we are having so much fun together. for now we are having so much fun exploring castles and singing and listening to the sounds of the ice cracking and drinking together and exploring every little fragment of each other for the first time.
your  glowing smile and the way you look in my sweaters knocks me the **** out. you say nice things to me and tell me it's because i deserve it; even though you always remind me of this, it still blows me away. your voice is so gentle when you sing to me. i could never grow tired of you.
i believe that i make you happy. i help you look at things in a new perspective, which is exactly what you say you're looking for. the way i look you in the eyes and gratefully accept every aspect of you makes you overflow with joy. your heart aches when i go.
but soon this unfamiliarity will leave—
will you follow it?

it's all too easy to
revisit old habits

familiarity gently strokes my
long hair after trauma
as he plots to cut away at me
with a friendly grin on his face

until i fully realize
familiar is not always synonymous with comfortable
i will continue to tell myself
to stop searching for happiness
in the place that i lost it.