Who would have thought
two years made a difference?
Two years is not that long
in the grand scheme of things.
Two years ago, I didn't know
so much that I do today.
Two years ago, I wouldn't have
made some of the choices I did.
Two years ago, I could smile,
a genuine smile, with real emotion.

If I could go back to two years ago,
I would change what I did,
Warn myself that not everyone is good.
I used to believe that everyone was good
even if they were only good in some tiny way.
I know better now some people will never care
how much pain they cause.
Two years ago, I wish I'd known.

Whether or not I was "asking for it"
Shouldn't matter

Because the voices keep screaming
because it's so loud
because there were no tears in your eyes
when you said your good bye
because the morning is cold
and so is the evening, the night,

because a thought of you gives me shivers
all the way to the spine
because I don't know if you ever loved me
or if it's all just a lie
because I find you disgusting
and adore you at the same time

because I don't want to talk to you
and I am scared you won't write back
because I want you to hold me
for the last time
because I want you to see me naked
and feel the lust in your eyes

because I want this to be over
because I don't want this to be over
because I know I still love you
because I know I can't stop
because it's killing me
because I want to die

I tried so hard
to make you feel love
but all that you do
is that you pump blood

Why do I expect so much from people, who will fail?

The thing about a mind that wanders
Is that sometimes it'll wander to the graveyards
Buried in the back of your soul.
Or an abyss that contains nothing but the past.

Sometimes when I'm not careful
I lose my footing
And fall into that abyss,
But instead of hitting the bottom,
I fall deeper and deeper.

In a matter of seconds I am falling down an archive of my thoughts,
And in a matter of seconds,
I am reliving the moments I carried  with me all these years.

I open up the files,
And just like that,
I am there when she calls me "girly" and wants a "man" instead of me.
I am there when she tells me that she doesn't see me in her future.
I am there when she
left me on the dance floor.
I am there when I found out he held her hand and kissed her.
And more. . .
And more.

I am there.
Sitting on a bus I am there.
Sitting in my car I am there.

This doesn't happen often,
But when it does,
The darkness demands my attention,
And I am there.