God. How am I still not okay?

God. It's been so long.

God. I'm so tired of life right now.

God. What happened to me?

I was such a nice kid.
I was calm all the time.
Mature for my age,
Little but so lively.

I was so helpful.
So loyal.
I always supported my trust.
But I never really spoke my mind.

I was shy.
I was small.
I never stood up for my feelings
I never stood up for myself.

And now I'm older.
I realize I don't need support.
I need myself.
I need confidence.

Speaking your mind is not wrong.
Standing up for your feelings isn't rude.
Standing up for yourself isn't mean.
Saying what you feel doesn't make you imperfect.

No one's perfect. Not even them.
The ones you hate for being so amazing.
Maybe she has anxiety.
Maybe his mom is alcoholic.

No one has a perfect life.
There's not one perfect family in the world.
There is not a person in the world who's perfect.
There's not a person who doesn't have one bit of strife.

But just because you aren't perfect.
Doesn't make you less worth it.
You're amazing.
You're still charming, kind, and strong.

You're just more experienced.
You just understand some more things now.

And maybe, just maybe,
You just aren't as shy anymore.

He said he couldn’t believe he was flying
He said that it was the best feeling ever
He said my breath on his face was exhilarating
He said my golden hair had never been so within his grasp
He said my radiance would leave his cheeks redder than before
He said he wanted to hold me in his hands
He said look father I can almost touch her
He said he would never again be able to stand on solid ground
He said or forget seeing my face this close
He said Don’t worry father, I’ll be fine
He said Just a little higher

I remember his father’s face
I remember seeing his feathers fall off one by one
I remember him slipping through my fingertips
I remember the splash
I remember a beautiful girl,
crying on the beach
I remember her calling out his name
I remember her hair behind her:
As she jumped after him, off a cliff
I have been waiting a millennium, to forget
I would have liked to catch him
It would have only scorched him worse

Welp
You did it.
You made me cry.

It’s been so long too
    so long
I was doing alright —
    shoving stuff down
    because thats what im good at

But this uncorked a whole bottle
    of my Grade A Premium Tears—
    youre welcome by the way
    theyre nice and aged
    i know its your favorite drink

I wonder if you even know—
That you made me cry...
and if you do, then are you gonna apologize?
    because ive got stuff to do
    that wasnt just an excuse
        So... I mean, that wasn’t really called for.

I wonder how long you’ll take
This time.
    its never been that long before
    itd take longer if it was genuine
You’re good at saying sorry but you never mean it.
    youre like the opposite of my last one

Usually it’s, “I’m sorry, I love you, I know I’m a ****.”
And I say, “It’s ok, you are but I love you anyways.” —
    because for some reason i do
    i dont know why
    i probably shouldn’t, you really are an ***
    but like... youre hot
    and im *****
        So—
        I’m 95% sure I do love you.

I wonder if it’s you who made me mean?
    or if it was them
    theyre ***** too
Maybe I was always mean, and you brought it out—
    i wouldnt be surprised
    i can be a *****
        That’s why this is a problem anyways.

I do know
You made me cry
It’s been so long.

A huge part of me wants to be involved in this nationwide gun control topic,
but there's another that doesn't want to participate.
Partly because I'm afraid I'm not educated on the subject enough and maybe I feel this way because I'm an empathetic and emotional person who hates violence of any kind and that blinds me from something I don't know about.
But, those that have the opposite opinion are probably just as educated as me, if not less
and everyone's voice and thoughts matter.
But.
It's just so touchy and there's no way to talk with a gun loving hick from Ohio who thinks he needs that gun to protect himself from the Government...
Although I think he's forgetting that if the Gov. wanted him dead, he would be without even seeing it coming.
Duh.
So.
As you might see, I'm conflicted as **** and feel that everyone is selfish and will never agree and that nothing will ever change.
I think it hurts me so much because I love my country, my home, but it feels like this isn't the place I grew up admiring anymore.
Children and innocent people will continue to die in large quantities and that's just what life in America is like.

The world is full of
           Inequality

No matter where you look
No matter what they say
The world is full of
           Inequality

It’s said that fire can destroy anything
           if it burns hot enough
           if it burns long enough
even if that anything is as tenacious as steel
because steel melts
and it can be bent to my will

I am fire
I will burn
I can bend the world to my will

The world that’s full of Inequality

Because I am a woman
Because I am resilient
And no one will tell me otherwise.

For years
I’ve kept it down.

It’s a
         pillow over mouth
         blanket over head
         Duct-tape and Gags
sort of feeling

Because I’m ok
    (they have to think im ok)
    (i dont know why but they have to)

It’s been
               Building
               Boiling
               Burning

               music in my ears
               words at my fingers
               Ties and Shackles

I have to be ok
    (if i tell myself that it has to be true)
    (i dont know why but i have to)

Really I’m Fine

then she told me
        - Maybe you should talk to someone?
        - I mean maybe... Ill be fine tho
        - Trust me, thats what I thought too
           but I did, and you kno the story better than anyone
        - If I find time then I guess so
        - Yus! I’m glad. Itll be goooood for you

Too bad my schedule’s full.

It’s fine
I’m fine
    (this hasnt been enough of a problem)
    (its been ok up until now)
    (this has always been there though)

why do I feel like this though?
              What do you guys talk about in that chat?
              Why do you like me? I’m a *****...
              Haha it’s not stupid! Why don’t you like it?
              *******!
              I make myself laugh more than I do others.
              Is this normal?
              HA!! Oh sorry...
              I’m a very self-aware person, self-reflective. It’s hard to explain...
             What? Is that stupid?
             Haha... yeah...
             im sad

I feel weird...
Why do I feel weird?
    (it isnt good. whats wrong? somethings wrong)
am I normal?
can someone help?
What am i doing wrong? whats wrong...
    (its not ok)
           im sad