The problem with me is that sometimes I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I want to have the new and the old.
I hate change but also dream of it at night for weeks.
It makes me sick to my stomach, and sweaty and filled with an emotion I can't describe.
Why am I so quick to accept the affection of someone I just met, when I have someone waiting for me at home?
There's definitely something going on with me that I'm in love with being thought of as interesting and fresh.
So many times has this addiction over powered me.
It's not drugs or alcohol that I crave, it's attention and affection and that exciting fun feeling.
I should really ask a therapist why smoking a cigarette with someone felt so fine.
I went down by the riverside
where he lived alone.
He said come on by and we can get high and we can catch up after so long
The air was cold and the winter snow sparkled under the moon.
But inside his house was so warm and
nice and then he offered wine
and I asked, "how are ya?"
he said, "I'm doin fine."
Idk what inspired me to write this, but I like it
It's difficult when you were on your way up the roller coaster;
so close you can see the top of the hill.
Only to fall back down, or get stuck.
The last 2 months I was feeling good about myself, sort of content, even happy at times with my body, my hair, my life, my relationship.
But now, the view is getting smaller and darker again, confusing.
Today I thought about how gross my stomach is as I lay in bed trying to nap.
I imagined running until my legs were painfully sore so that I could feel.. better?
Over the long holiday weekend I pulled out a noticeably large amount of hair and was completely unaware of the damage I was doing until it was too late.
I know that this is part of the journey to self love and acceptance but that destination seems light years away.
I watched as this little black bug scurried across the carpet,
weaving around and clearly unsure of where to go.
How did he end up in this office space?
And where does he want to go?
I hoped he would figure it out before the girl came through with the vacuum and ****** him up.
But then there he went making his way down the carpet again.
Maybe I need it to feel like I'm being chased,
or like I'm chasing you.
I don't understand it when it isn't complicated.
You texted me back,
"I love you too baby. I love you so so much."
And that second I love you made me smile and laugh because I love that you love me so much.
I just figured out my old login info for my previous account and there are over 250 poems that date back to 2015 when I was 20 years old.
I am now 23 and not much has changed except that now I know that no one else but me can make me happy, and I survived all the things I felt were the end of the world.
I was lonely and having trouble adjusting to living on my own and I was deep in depression and anxiety without any knowledge on how to properly deal with it.
It does feel good to see the progress I've made when it comes to learning to love and accept myself, and how I no longer obsess over the past the way I used to.
I still deal with anxiety and depression but I'm figuring it out and really trying to get better and I like myself more now, even with my bald patches and belly fat.
I've realized that happiness is more of a choice you have to make.
And that's what I've chosen.
It's been a slow journey but I'm getting there.