The light that lives within me wavers
But even through this darkness it shines
The flame has shrunk - almost invisible
Shadows become heavy in my mind

The wavering dance; my search for strength
Darkness consumes as light grows weary
The fight cannot be finished just yet
I want to glow, but I flicker just faintly

Sorrow attempts to overthrow joy
The flame burns brighter - no stranger to conflict
My light has been dimmed by prior affliction
Preparing for trials to which I won't submit

The impossible darkness is what fuels my spark
Flames grow after a season of weakness
The fight seemed close, but I was the victor
Uncertainty consumed, the outcome mysterious

My light is magnificent once again
A fire so bright to serve as a beacon
This flame is not natural; I coaxed it to roar
Without continuous fuel it will surely weaken.

Even at my lowest
When darkness thinks to reign
I refuse to be extinguished
Not ever, but especially not today

As I am in that state of sleepy in-between-ness late at night,
I always reflect on the day’s shortcomings and negativity
whether or not I fight off those default thoughts to find light.

My mind wanders through all the events and interactions
that seem to be tainted with heavy blue;
every day carries a shadow that I that I try to get rid of
because that darkness is something I don’t want to live through.

The monster that some people have named 'anxiety'
clutches around my lungs and heart.
It chokes me, shakes me, screams with hate:
"What the hell is wrong with you!?”
It’s a disease with the goal to tear me apart.

My wish is to rip these blue lenses from my eyes
to clearly see this life for what it really is:
a miracle, a gift, a priceless thing to be treasured -
but these blue lenses have been a part of me for months
And with them, the world is a familiar sight.

But it is not in my disposition to love or appreciate
anything that is associated with myself.
And thus I find myself stuck in this viciousness
of half-conscious loathing and self-deprecation.

Can you even imagine how powerful I'd be if I loved myself even half as much as I wish you loved me?

Through the heavy darkness
My feet are guided; I am led.
To a certain calmness
I will arrive - it has been said.

My purpose is lost, I’m torn apart.
The Savior steps in to calm my troubled heart.

He is constant. He is kind.
My faith will be used to pacify this torrential sea.
Although I may fear that I’m falling behind
His grace is sufficient and He has carried me.

I have struggled so much, He has helped me every time before.
I must be a burden, I can’t do this anymore!

The destroyer yearns to attack my foundation.
Hopelessness consumes me, so I look to the sky.
Among the blackness live bright constellations.
He has said He loves me and He can tell no lie.

With mind still heavy, but heart so full
He needs me on His side; I feel the pull.

“I cannot do this alone!” I cry.
He reminds me that I am loved; “My child, I am here.”
The angels have been sent to Earth, my tears to dry.
I am humbled and realize I have not been forgotten this year.

Friends encircle their arms about me with love.
It’s always been familiar, and now I know it’s from above.

The Savior embraced me before I came to Earth.
My mortal company are angels sent to care for me.
In this life I struggle to remember my worth.
So when I am embraced by friends, I remember that it is what He did before He set me free.

Today I woke up broken
I hung my head and cried to God
because I know He sees beyond this fog.

The calm, the peace - it doesn't sink in until after these words take root in my heart:

Broken is not always a bad thing. Broken is just the stage between better and best.

Through broken soil plants grow to sustain this world.
Broken allows life to grow.
A break in the clouds sends light to those who miss the sun.
Broken allows room for more.

I let this small prayer carry me always:
That I will remember
that it is a beautiful thing
when life goes
Better
Broken
Best