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She is soap smooth from Achilles
to scalp’s apex

for years contemplated
suicide

instead, she learned
the right nutrients

creates life that bursts
above all

else.
Liking you
Had sent me to the depths of madness.
It was when I realized this, that I felt completely sane.
Now it's midnight.
I'm writing to friends, we catch up, and laugh together.
Genuine laughter.
And I don't think of you.
These are moments of peace.
When you're not roaming the halls of my brain
Shaking the delicate equilibrium of moods.
These are moments I can breathe.
These are moments of a silent heart, and dry cheeks.
These are moments that end too quickly.
Because my heart floods with sadness when I think of your horrid beauty
Because I can't bring myself to walk away
Because you love someone else.
Because you love someone else.
Because you love someone else.
Because I can’t be that someone else,
I'm sorry ,
I know you won't care,
But,
goodbye.
How lost one can get,
I cannot begin to explain.
The impulsive, reckless behavior drives you mad.


In such darkness shines a light.
The flame of survival.
Vicious, untamable, destructive.
But it burns on.
It burns on.


Even on fumes, it blazes through the night.
Because you know this suffering is not forever.
You know that this will end.
You don't know what the **** is happening.
But you know, you have to
Survive.


You know, how, to survive.


Because there comes the point where you no longer wish to be saved when you no longer wish to fight.
And that is terrifyingly comforting.
Giving up brings relief it brings, the end of suffering.
But fighting and destroying the shadows will bring you life, happiness, and peace.


So **** it.
**** it all.
**** everything.
You will survive.
You will survive falling from the clouds, and you will survive the trenches.
And when you do,
Life will be waiting.
I will be waiting for you.
I write this on surviving your madness, your depression, your suicidal dreams. just surviving in general really, it's hard. but it can be done
The world falls quiet,
And so do you.

My ears are ringing
Heart swelling
Mi Amor,

The silence burns.

I submerge my mind in liquid courage
and slur my silly confessions,
Puking emotions all over your unread text messages.

Ruby shame becomes me
Whispering evil things to me
Convincing me that I am a burden.

That I am the one that's crazy here.
Crazy in love.
Crazy to admit it.
I am the one that’s crazy here.

You were the one that begged for me to love you.
So why do I have to ask for you to tell me that you love me?
How am I supposed to believe your I love you’s?
Am I so insecure, paranoid?

Is it just me?
Am I crazy?

Crimson waves fuel my heart that whisper Jehime in the silent crackle of the fire that blazes through the night in between my rib cage.

Can you feel that,
Corazón? Do you hear that Mi Amor?
Or am I crazy?

My ears are ringing
My doubts are shouting
as it sears it's emptiness into my soul,

The silence burns.

Pero mi Amor Porque?
Quando yo te di todo mi corazón, porque me haces esto?
Why?
God, why don’t you love me?

It is your silence when I ask you these questions,
Your silence when I bleed Te Amo,
that burns, burns, burns.
morphine. i found ashes in the pages of the photo albums under
my bed yesterday, leaves turned red pages to the colder chapters
and i thought you could still grow a rose this time of year but then i
remembered when we used to make flower crowns in sixth grade so
i took some morphine;
it helped with the pain

the night is younger than ourselves and we run through breakspears road shattering the lampposts with our bare hands, yes we are the new generation! everybody knows we aren’t scared of losing the pieces in our own, we just want to see the skin pulled off the tips of our fingers! (when you’ve been feeling the blunt edges of scalpels and needles all your life walking on glass starts to feel like heaven)

codeine— hell is getting hotter! she took to the clouds and the glass
shards wrote crimson sonnets on the bottoms of her feet, marietta i
trusted you i really did, i made you promise
that you’d stay; not with me, of course
(some things are more important in the end)
i wanted you to stay here.
but you wanted to see the stars so
i choke down the cough syrup;
one ache distracts me from the other

dear marietta,
the light distorts so strangely here in the water.
this is how i want to leave this place
sorry i use way too many parentheses whOOPS
 Nov 2016 Finley in Despair
Pax
Your eyes speaks much sorrow.
Your smile hides a deep sadness.
You act so normal like nothing is wrong.
How do you keep up with this harsh world?
How do you keep up to society with that melancholy behind your back?
How do you keep your temper calm?
How can you keep your focus intact?
How did you keep up with work?
All of your work seems on the right track,
like you keep things just right.
~
Would you share you secrets to us?

i wrote this questioning myself, many hows and now i don't know how to answer them anymore...

© Pax 2012
.
.


that time of year
when everything rots
in festive colors
10W
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