When I was little
I could never decide
what I wanted as a topping
for my pancakes.
Now I have to decide
where I want my life to go,
what college I want to go to,
what I want to save up for,
what I want want to be.
I don't want to have
to make all those decisions,
I just want sugar.

What fascinates me about stars,
is that they are born from explosions
and built from collapsed particles.
I like to think that people are like that as well.
So whenever you feel like everything
is getting a little too much
and you are about to give up and explode,
don't be afraid to collapse.
Let yourself crumble.
This is not your destruction,
it is your birth
it is your time to shine.

When i think back to the day I met you, my heart explodes.
I am both the happiest person in the world, because I hugged you, and the saddest because it's been so long.
In class, I can't focus because the memory of your smile keeps coming back to me.
In my head, it never gets quiet anymore because my mind keeps replaying the sound of your chuckle, and those words I've been longing to hear.
No hug will ever feel
as warm
and safe
and happy anymore,
because no one's arms fit me like yours.
You are constantly on repeat in my mind;
your laugh, your smile, your words, your arms, your smell...

I miss you so much, my heart cannot take it anymore.
And I cannot help but wonder,
how you can be the worst thing that's ever happened to my heart when you're the best that's ever happened to me.

All I want to do is run,
run from my own demons
but they seem to know hiding places
in my body
that I didn't even know existed.
They have taken all
of what makes sense
and ruined my way
of thinking clear.

They make me want to run
from my own body
they make me want to crawl
out of my own skin.
My fingers are no longer
the creators of art
the soft touch of friendship.
They have turned into claws
clawing my skin open
to help me escape
my own body.
I know I can not **** what is way deeper than the skin
but I can start somewhere.

I know for a fact that you will never
care as much for me
as I do for you
but know that I cherish
every inside joke we share
like safety
glued to my fingers
I will not let go
I will protect you
no harm will ever be done to you
either if it's words
or judgements
or something scary
I will be there to
assure you
how amazing you are
and how much you are loved.

Do not ever let others bring you down because you are different
you are a beautiful rainbow on a rainy day
putting a smile upon other's faces.
Even on the darkest days
when it seems that the world is against you
know that you, yourself
are the light
that brightens day.

You are amazing
every bit that makes
others wonder
who you are and
how you think is
what makes you you.
I am grateful to be a piece
in what makes you you
and what makes your memories
and hopefully
what will make a whole lot more.

I was told that a simple
painkiller
would numb the pain
in my head
sometimes two if
unbearable

but I have taken
eleven already
and I can still hear
the voices telling me
how much of a
failure I am
and it hurts

and I have taken twelve already
and it's all lies
the voices
keep going

thirteen
I can't feel my hands
anymore

fourteen
why didn't anyone help
me when I tried
to scream

fifteen
they were supposed to
numb
the voices
not my
voice

*sixt …

tell me it was all a dream
tell me the beautiful wishing doesn't have to end
that a thousand years of golden kisses and
a universe of given completely to just being wrapped in your arms
tell me that the natural chaos of wrestling you in the pillows
surrounded by desires trance can go on forever
tell me that the spark like a fiery hunger in you
will be there to ignite me
i urge myself to my destination
to wake lightly in the salvation of your love
to wake lightly in the predawn and find you sleeping still
so i may kiss you awake
so i may be your dawn
as you have been mine

It's not that I don't love you. It's the time I read my mom's old journals and every other paragraph included my fathers name. It's that he cheated on every girlfriend he had with my mom. It's that my mom didn't care she was a second choice or a one night stand. It's that my mother never talked to anyone about him after he got married to one of the many girlfriends. It's that she took twenty sleeping pills on the night of what would've been their anniversary. It's that he doesn't even know she's dead.

It's not that I don't love you. It's the couple I overheard in the bread aisle arguing over wheat or white. It's that I heard the woman say a lot of "she" and "****" and I saw her crumble to the ground. It's that he just shook his head and said he was sorry over and over again.

It's not that I don't love you. It's that my best friend is in love with a boy on the other side of the country. It's the morning she took a shower and cried over him. It's that he wasn't even awake to do anything about it. It's that he's always three hours behind and thousands too many miles away. It's that I mean both physically and mentally sometimes.

It's not that I don't love you. It's my geometry teacher, who brought up her husband when she taught me tangents. It's that she also brought up her husband when she taught me the circle unit
too. It's that she gets quiet and smiles after she talks about him. It's that he's been passed away for seven years now and she still has so much to say. It's that she still wears her wedding ring. It's that when she taught me special right triangles, I wondered what her laugh might sound like if he were still here.

What I'm trying to say is; It's not that I don't love you. It's that I do.