for years, my bones have felt more
like thin glass, feeble, brittle
little weak supports that
cannot begin to imagine embodying pillars
my frame a vase,
an empty shell filled with nothingness
i am but a half built monument of girl flesh that
never knew how to stand on her own

my fingers feel more like
knives, not dull but sharp, cold
little needles that puncture venom
underneath the skin, vile teeth
my mouth, a death kiss
i have failed at putting words
to the misery, this agony i've bared since childhood
a deep self hatred for who i fail to be
and for how little me there actually is
– half born like an uneaten dead twin

here, in this mind of mine
i’ve crumbled, a ruin of solemn, ashen rubble
consumed by the promise of structure
the hope of ending what shouldn’t have begun
i have failed at this too however
and it only feeds the monster within

who is that then
if not the human in me?

it turns out i really am better off without you

i no longer wonder;
no wheres or hows,
no whoms or who’s
i set no alarms, i expect naught
everything is when it has to be
and i receive without offerings
i am filled with the abundance of me;

when i stopped loving
my heart stopped aching, you see

it also turns out i don’t miss you
i don’t grip on the past, i never have
i certainly don’t miss who i was while i was with you
it turns out i have always been better off without you
because when i am not with you
i am with me
and that is the place where i should be

i was once convinced that i would die of heartbreak
too bruised to touch, too scarred to heal
but dear god, i didn’t
surviving became my only instinct

i now know i could never go back to you
or anyone who remotely resembles you.
i will no longer eat crumbs
and dare to call myself full

in the end
i turned to forgiveness;
you’ve been forgiven

in the end
i turned to healing;
you have no debts

but in the end
the end.

the bridge we had built stood wooly on its frame,
despite our best efforts, it collapsed
under the weight of darkness
and it never stood again

a few years later
new houses appeared
at the edge of the river
nobody there to remember
the other side of it

the cursed rattlesnake hissing
realising now i knew what had been missing
**** my mind mind mind for lying!
to myself, smiling
promising i could fix him;
rattlesnake hissing
"you're the only one who needs fixing"

save face and leave
hold your quiet
like a secret
before thunder

leave the wound
mark the trail of my passing
reminiscent —
that we do for love
that we do for vengeance

you forgot, my dear
to **** you aim
for the heart

earth
once inhabited
for containment
bottled up cider
— soon too sour

that we do is beautiful
but fleeting – living
a vile act of pure free will

blissful less peaceful
the corpses we make

lightning
a faint clap of thunder follows suit
piercing through — open wound

crying skies
dripping with unrelenting acrid stench
rain knows me better than I know myself

it creeps upon the ground in such a vengeful way —
carried by the storm
a lightning falls
burning as much as it brightens
a sweet lullaby flows

isn't the ocean deep and miserable
lonesome and cold;
is rain the prelude — our last chance to be touched?

it is true
hour long showers are no cure
for this or any of my illnesses
I am yet to find a more suitable place for my sufferings

like a lightning — I burn
only in rain I own
deep and miserable
only in rain —
the world softly blurs
only in rain
I feel I could melt
to the salt in the water
sea foam and strands

its thunder and
its lightning
coming back home