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Lat
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
Lat
I feel like ten thousand thunderstorms
On mute
Just a series of verbs and vibrations
I wonder what my words really say
What they really mean
But the lightning show gets in the way
Makes you gasp and forget
The conversation we were having
And the last words
Unspoken
Are Nivana in a shot glass
Ellie Belanger Apr 2017
It is not difficult to know how to fly,
I think,
afterall!
our very atoms have flown aeons to reach and reassemble themselves here,
in this way.

Every mammal knows how to fly.
Some bacteria remember how too,
but they are a wily bunch and untrustworthy as sailors on a mid morning slop across an unwritten and unpronounceable port.

The trouble isn't KNOWING.
The trouble is GROWING.

Can't grow wings or thin, light, air-filled bones.
Can't drift upwards on the airstreams.
But you can grow upwards,
and you can fly.

The secret lies in knowing all your own reasons as to why
you want to fly.
Ellie Belanger Nov 2015
Instead of worrying, I listen
Turn off the endlessly pouring spout of inner monologue flooding my senses
and listen

There is music in silence, a kind of symphony made by the absence of what could be there and yet
What is not
Ellie Belanger Dec 2014
in the dirt-filled pocket
of this concrete street corner
lies a little note,
written on college-ruled
lined blue and white paper
and it says
"GIVE
IT
BACK!"
and nothing else.
I saw this today on my way to grab some lunch
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
hmm,
long calendar.
not very many
empty
squares.
The blank ones
are like gasps
of
air
between
deeply held
breaths.

You are busy this year,
I think,
my hands lifting
page after page.
I am
peeking into
the
Void,
overcome,
but
reawakening
with every
little
white
square
moment.

It is a mess.
Planned to the day.
A buzzing swallows
all of the sound around me.
Gooseflesh arms.
Expectation battles with
doubt in the roiling furnace
of my guts.
Too much, too much.

Looking
away,
I hear pages lightly
slap
the wall.
Goodbye long calendar.

I am off to fill the spaces
in my days
the old-fashioned way.
Ellie Belanger Jan 2017
Love is a quiet whisper
In a small, cold tent
On the side of a vast forest
As the sun breaks over the tops of the trees
And spills itself in pools between
Open-armed branches.

Love is a joyous shout
From the top of a tall peak
At the edge of the eternal, hungry ocean
As the sun falls below the water's edge
And the sky is all purples and velvety blues
Slowly punctured by the gold-green light of
Summer stars.

Love is hands held in the backseat of the bus
Or against the hard, uncomforting metal and plastic of this worn hospital chair.
Love is whatever love chooses to be.
And as they salty, cold tears slide down my face,
Rough and excema-ridden in this weather,
I am glad that I still know
What love is.
Ellie Belanger Oct 2015
Please no- not another love poem,
Not another repetitious unravelling of sentiment and revelation that
Yes-! You feel and you desire and you want
Just as much
As almost everyone else.

Not another love poem,
No more please,
I can't stand looking at them
And feeling this heart inside me
Grow hard and heavy, become a mountain
Of missing you,
Until I want to scream,
Until I want to
Wake up from this crazy thing.

And everyone else in the world just gets to
Keep writing love poems,
and why are you in every single one?
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
"T-t-tuh-truthfully," he stammered,
"I cannot tell the d-d-difference."

Inside a recently abandoned coal mine,
His voice scattered down endless tunnels.

He lit a match and held it up before him,
But it immediately burned out.

"Are you an idiot or something?"
His companion shuffled beside him.

There was small, plastic-sounding click
And then they were both bathed in light.

"You can't light matches down here, ***.
You'll blow us to Kingdom Come."

"S-s-s-" but his companion cut him off. "Sorry
don't put the skin back on your bones."

"Now look again, Matine." His companion
Urged him closer to the small wooden table.

Matine looked at the two, ancient sea shells,
Anxiety filling up his stomach like acid soup.

Several tense seconds passed as he brought
Each one up to his face and studied it.

"T-t-tuh-truthfully," he stammered,
"I cannot tell the d-d-difference."

Inside a recently abandoned coal mine,
His voice scattered down endless tunnels.

Matine's companion was not a patient man.
His name was Jack. And he left the mine.

Matine did not.
Duh Duh Duuuhhh
Ellie Belanger May 2023
You told me that your name was wrong;
Who am I to disagree?
I know the sound and feel of it,
and it fails to capture you.
That's not surprising though,
I feel the same about my own.
When we're given titles at birth,
it's only inevitable that we outgrow them.
Ellie Belanger Jul 2018
Every age just a page
In a book constantly rewriting itself.
There’s no mystery in this history,
Just matter beating out and in
Out and in out and in
Again again again again
You can say we’re stardust
Yes, we are,
In small quantities hidden deep in our physical, chemical, biological make-up
A construction of borrowed elements,
Remembering all time like elephants,
Suffering changes in their outer shells, to change and to scatter and one day
Become else

You see
Matter cannot be created or destroyed
But it can redeployed
In the key of B
In a wave of energy, bright and slow at first
Then fast as a rocket ship
Fast as a wormhole
Fast as light, then faster
Ripping itself apart as it stretches
Telling stories all the while.
Every age
Just a page
In a book the constantly rewrites itself.
Every deja vu
An old you
And a decision to make-
Though you may be the same matter as before and maybe after-
A glimpse into a past past
Can make all the difference in the future future
Of a book
That never ends
And never begins
But simply
Rewrites itself
Again again again again
Ellie Belanger Oct 2015
I love nights like tonight
When the wind catches me
And pushes my hair back
And it's as if I've been standing in a thick, deep, dark forest
And now the trees and bushes and hanging vines blow back in different directions
Revealing paths I could not see before
Letting me choose again
Which way to walk,
Instead of this lonely frustrated hobble through thickets
I get a chance to pick
My own path,
And the wind will keep blowing me forward
To a new forest
With different animals and sounds
To learn and fear.

But God,
I love nights like this,
When the whole world is made new again
By nothing more
Than a breeze and a searching heart
Ellie Belanger Apr 2017
A million tasks stacked in lined paper
A holy trinity marks the margins
Mother wants to know where I am at
I say
Not yet please
Not yet
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
She sighed and tossed the hair out of her eyes
He sipped loudly from a nearly dry Coke can
"This *****," she said. "I'm going home."
A jazzy song started to play over the outside speakers
A couple ambled past, walking their minituare schnauzer
"Ok." He said, shaking the Coke can irritably.
Ellie Belanger Oct 2014
hello.
you wanted answers
to your questions
they are bleeding
you dry, like so many
needling worries
do.

I'm calling you to tell you
that I don't have anything to say.
It's a lie,
but I'm too stuck to tell you
that the thought of sitting
somewhere quiet and cold
watching the stars pop out of their
black velvet bed
as the wind and the cars
whip by
to turn and look at you
your eyes reflecting red and green
bound in gold and browns
it's the only thing keeping me
going,
like a thread of ribbon,
beautiful delicate
stronger than you'd think
but lost against the
repeating fabric
of daily tedium and survival.
Ellie Belanger Nov 2016
I had plans to see you today
But you cancelled on me
Last minute, so I changed my plans
And I decided to paint pictures
Of things that don't exist
Like the conversations we didn't have
And the plans we didn't keep.
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
They sat on a yellow couch,
That smelled strongly of moth *****,
And that had thick, dull brass buttons
In rows of eight and nine across the seating.
And the birthday party continued on
In the living room mostly,
But also in the kitchen and out on
The back porch.

The little yellow couch sat
In a small, awkward hallway
Between the dining room and kitchen,
And it took three minutes for any party goers
To interrupt them.

Her name was Alice then.
When she turned thirty-eight she changed it
To Alma.
His name was and is Robert.
He wore brown shorts that day.

Her hair was curled, for the occasion.
He asked her if she liked strawberry cake.
She said she didn't.
He laughed and said he'd eat her slice.
She said she wouldn't mind.
She reached out and held his hand.
He let her.
Until the girl walked through.
And they ooed and awwed at Alice and Robert.
And then they giggled themselves into the living room.
And Robert, almost twelve, looked at Alice
And thought, "She is beautiful".
And he said, "See you around," and walked into the kitchen.

And Alice thought,
"Maybe I will try strawberry cake."
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
So many beautiful moments to enjoy
To fill you up and allow you to feel
Would it be wrong to try
And find meaning in them?
Ellie Belanger Jan 2017
Can't sleep so I
Check my Facebook,
See the little Capitol Building icon
In the news feed box
And I press it with my finger.

Nothing happens.
No loading bar,
No
Nothing.

And for a wild second I think,
"Even Facebook has given up on trying to
Make sense of American politics."

And then it loads.
Ellie Belanger Mar 2016
The raindrops contain every color, and they shimmer through each hue as they slide off the long green fronds of the front yard ferns.
They disappear into dirt, make mud.
But they still hold rainbows.
Sometimes they just have to evaporate back into the stratosphere, collect and slide out of heavy clouds, tumble back to the front yard ferns, and shimmer again. It's ok though. Water always has time.

I wish that I did too.
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
It had been getting late.
Now it was late.
He said, "Don't go. You can do with three hours instead of eight."
I rolled my eyes. "My demeanor would not be great.
And besides," I said. "It's a ten hour tomorrow."
He shrugged with annoyance,
no chance at sorrow.

No hug, and no kiss to bid me goodbye.
But part of me was glad of this,
for, I mean, why?
Why would I get a hug or a kiss
when I am not someone (to him)
who should be sorely missed?

I have never left.
I will never depart.
I live forever there,
with him, in his heart.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2016
Here it is,
The end.

I give up,
I give up,
I give up.
Ellie Belanger Nov 2015
late afternoon sunlight descends through the waving Palm and Oak branches
highlights the rips in the knees of my jeans, made not bought
and I feel like I'm seven years old again
waiting for everything
too young to know what's waiting for me on the other side of time
but then my next door neighbor comes outside and says
"Hello"
and it's welcome back to now,
to right now,
when I'm twenty four and sitting outside writing this poem,
hoping that you're proud of me,
hoping that I can still learn to love properly,
hoping that I always get rips in the knees of my jeans.
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
If all my loves be rivers,
then the landscape of my soul
is ancient Sumer,
a rich soil of sprawling floodland
which feeds my ambitions and my
most potent desires

If all my loves be rivers,
then You, sir, are the arterial causeway
of the whole spraying spigot.

You are the Nile, which overflows and destroys as much as it carries and creates. You are the Yhangtze. You are the Mississippi.
In the middle of your route, you become the dead sea. I feel myself floating against you.

You are all rivers.
But you are not the ONLY river.

And that is why I wonder
about possible paths that might yet
connect me back to you.

Even if you
are not
the river I choose
to paddle.

Somehow
I feel like you are the leafstem
which grows tiny veins
pushing outward on the leaf.
Every line goes back to you.

Yeah.
That's true.

River or leaf
love or not
my canoe comes back
to the love I've sought.

Your love.
You're love.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2015
Saying hello, again
Because to say goodbye
I'd have to trust that I would not
Say hello again.

And my silence comes in colors
Like drip-dry paint on the walls of my mouth
Tastes like green and yellow today
Fresh flowers that arrived late
And the yard working all shades.

I hate to stop
Picking back up where I left off is easier said
Than remembered,
No matter how many scribbled expo marker notes are left
on the dry erase boards of my closed eyelids,

Hello,
Again.
Care to dance this dance with me?
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
Today I realized that
shucks
is a combination
of two
very bad
words.
Ellie Belanger Aug 2014
there is a buzzing
     it's coming from the walls
the tiny electrical snaps and synapses
the mindhive that seethes
the radios and beeping pulses
we have reached the
singularity.
read about it
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
We pray for snow in summer
For the pleasure of cool water on our skin
For the pleasure of being heard by the gods
We pray.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2014
Hey!
I don’t often think about it anymore
But there was this dream I had once
Sleeping next to you some long ago
Sweaty stupid south Florida night
And the whole world was falling apart
No one knew what was going on, not even me
But none the less
We were all stood there, this whole community
And me
And asked to go into the gym
Wait in the gym
And you were there beside me as we were
Pushed into this massive empty building
With the crowd
And I remember the blue tarp on the floor
How it seemed strange
And we were in the middle
Where there would normally be a big circle
Meaning change sides
And the crowd was pressing in everywhere every inch
And the floor fell into water
And it turned out we were standing on top of a pool
A very deep and wide swimming pool
And it was storming
The power had gone out so everything was just
Darkness and touch
And I was trying to hold onto you
As I fell back and down with what seemed
Three hundred people
Babies crying
The splash and then no sound
There were too many people
Weighing on top of me I was lost
Drowned
But the dream went on
I saw you climbing out
Breathing air
Finding your parents
I saw you board a plane that was
Trying to leave through wind and rain and lightning
Because something bad was happening
End of the world
Maybe
End of mine?
Definitely...
And I never told you, but
when I woke up I felt
so glad
that you made it
that you
breathed air

even through the
rain
and
wind
and lightning.
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
My nights become endless days
When you are absent from the waking moments of my morning,
My afternoon,
My evening.
They stumble on themselves in waiting for your visage,
Ambling evermore until your touch,
Your voice,
Your stories are here with me,
Travelling light as hydrogen in my heart,
Warm as summer waters against my skin,
Strange bright thing in the field of endless color and variation,
I don't know if I love you
But I know I am enchanted,

It is my dear desire to see you,
Not just once more,
But always.

Provide me with the magic mirror
So that I may finally sleep sound,
With the crackling warmth of your dry laughter still churning in my ears.
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
I think I have a strange heart,
One that warbles in my chest,
Like a fat red cardinal trembling
As it decides to turn back around
On a thin twig of a tree branch,
Whose leaves jitter and shake in time
With long red feathers on wings.

I think my heart is strange,
But it seems to know you very well.
What will come of this, you think?
Only time can tell.
Ellie Belanger Aug 2018
you are like
being a child, waking up
from a dreamless slumber,
suddenly awake
warm beneath the soft comforter
your grandmother sewed for your brother
the one faded almost to threads,
so white and gently patterned in the eight am sun
and fall has come
and the air is clear and dry and cold
but the sunlight is warm
so you cast off the comfort of the comforter
you holler silently down wooden hallways
you scatter loosely down broken gravel pathways
and out into and endless grass
up to the waist, with purple and golden flowers
all covered in wet night dew
and you sing the song of the soul
that is
the chilly tickle of water droplets running down your legs
and the slight scratch of the blades of grass across your ankles
and legs.
The song of morning
and of bright sunlight
and of fresh air and rebirth,
a song of things passing on
and new things beginning to
be.

you are like the small minutes
of infinite and beautiful and
humble freedom
that makes us all human again.
Ellie Belanger Aug 2017
Rains falls hard against the sheets of woven tile roofs,
torrenting down off their sides and flooding
the narrows in between the houses.
Two new lovers splash up a good deal
of water,
running gaily into and out of sight,
a shrill shriek of excitement and a deep laugh still echoing against the gray-blue bricks, lit gold-green in places by hanging lamps on wires,
higher up, above the thin, many windowed walls.
White purple flash. Crack of lightning.
Thunder rattles the sobbing windowpane.
A baby upstairs cries out and is soon soothed.
I think only of dinner and of you.
I will eat bulb-onion soup, with freshly picked mint.
And I will consume you,
raw.
Ellie Belanger Jun 2017
When pushed, I will pull you with me
In whatever direction that might be
If you choose to ignore me,
I will shudder like porous rock in the flow of sudden desert floods.
I will change.
I cannot grow just up.
I must grow out.
Ellie Belanger Feb 2017
The Great One strolled in,
Pleased as a fat slice of birthday cake,
In the mid afternoon heat and sweat
Of Low Georgia summer.
He kicked off his muddy boots
With the gusto of an aroused lumberjack
And took to the staircase as
A marathon runner takes to his first couple
Kilometers.

When he reached the hallway at the top
He hollered, "You've got ten seconds to be
****-*** naked, 'cause here I come!"
And he stripped himself of his plaid
And blue jeans,
Mud-hemmed socks and underwear,
And all his garments
descended half-way down the staircase
Before folding on top of one another neatly
As if gently placed there,
Rather than being flung at the zig
zagging carpet.
"It was the clothes' way of rebelling,"
No one, nobody said.
But most true things are left
Unsaid.

The Great One traipsed,
Yes, traipsed,
Down the short, blue-wallpapered hallway
And spun the shiny brass ****
Of his bedroom door, and pushed
Until It swung open,
And he said,
"Are you ready?"
And stared into the unlit bedroom,
The two north-facing windows open,
Short, floral pattern curtain his wife had
Sewn, flapping stupidly in a breeze that hadn't
Been breezing when he was outside,
Just fifteen minutes ago,
And the Great One saw that the bed was made,
Just a slab of gray polyester/cotton blend,
And his wife was not naked on that bed.
And the TV was off.
And the TV was always never off.

And the Great One stood very still
And felt the silence, and the stillness
Of the house around him,
How it seemed like a strange thing,
Against the rolling gray clouds and
Snapping wind.

He reached his right hand
To his right back pocket
And typed the four-digit alakazam
To get into his phone
and saw nothing new.
He rang his wife
But was transitioned to voicemail.
He sat on the edge of the bed.

Well.

the curtains flapped harder
Against themselves as he watched
The storm roll in.
And thought to himself,
A guilty child in an old body
prone to superstition,
"Shoulda cleaned my boots off,
'Fore I came in.
Shoulda cleaned 'em off.
She would have given me
Hell."

He let the rain come into the room,
It spattered against the soft yellow painted wall
And
The curtains simply shuddered,
Sodden as they were.

Well.

She sure had a knack of giving him hell.
The Great One changed his title back to David,
And stared out of the bedroom windows for a long time.
He woke up, without remembering falling asleep.
Ellie Belanger Aug 2017
Delirious with exhaustion,
both mental and physical,
the young woman dropped herself,
hard and fast, with a mix of
hopelessness and frustration which caught the nursing mother three seats to her left off guard.
The new mom shifted herself so that her back was to the young woman.

The young woman sat motionless for many minutes, staring out at the planes.
I was curious. I was two seats to her right.

I asked,
"Rough flight?" like the dweeb I am.
She turned and looked at me.
Eyes washed red with lack of sleep still burned icy blue as they sized me up.
She smiled almost.
Then she got up and walked away.

I will never know her.
Ellie Belanger Jan 2017
It is time for me to go now
I've done all that I can
I wished for more from this place, I thought
But I really wished for more from me
Which is why it is time to go home
And sleep the five year nightmare of my loneliness
Away
Ellie Belanger Nov 2017
between two things which make sense, in and of themselves.
The hollow space between makes little sense.
That is why it is hollow.
Ellie Belanger Nov 2017
Tonight I will do many various things;
I will fold warm laundry
And go eat tacos with a friend of a friend.
I will drink a beer and go drive
my sad and rickety car.
I will scream your name
When I am meant to
Somewhere deep in a song
Because my soul is aching,
Pouring forth always for the hope of love
Like the love I feel for you.

Tonight I will do many various things.
But I will not stop loving you.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2016
Our bodies contain too much Mercury
From eating too much fish
Our drinking water contains too much chromium
From weapons testing and industrial pollution
Our media contains too much violence
From saying "all me are equal" but not really meaning it
Our hearts contain too much apathy
Because there's just too much.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2017
torture-, my dear,
is what I live inside of
everyday.

To know
what it is I feel...
and to also know that I
can do nothing
about it,
nothing to stop it,
nothing to burn it out.

It consumes.

"They" say passion consumes
the Soul like flame to a candle's
wax.

How many souls do I own?

It has been ages
and ages
that I have loved you,
small aeons that look like
magic fireworks when viewed from
afar-
stars bursting or imploding
all manner of greens and reds
blues and yellows-
my God!

I will give you colors.


The waiting is the worst.
Counted time.
Counted exercises and tasks.

It is not a countdown.

"It is not a countdown."

No.
But it is waiting.
Not for him.
No.
For me.

For the things I still need to learn
before him.
For the changes that loom on the horizon.
For the moment
no,
THAT moment
maybe I'll be driving a car,
maybe I'll be lying in my bed, drifting off to sleep,
maybe I'll be mid-sentence in a conversation with a friend,
I don't know.

But I know the moment.
I know how it feels.

It is Archimedes and his fat legs,
overflowing the bathtub,
flooding the bathroom carpets,
Eureka
EUREKA
I have found it!

I remember my last and only
"Eureka!"
and the thing that I had found
was my own, stuttering heart,
beating hard and fast
for you.

Torture is knowing
your happiness
is always
just
out

of



reach
Ellie Belanger May 2017
What happens when my path divides
From yours?
I've made promises before, before.
And it's no secret, it's just ancient lore,
The stories of the heart I wore before.

So if my train stop arrives early yet
Please don't ever dare forget.
I love you.
Ellie Belanger Sep 2017
It has been
a long time
since I felt
this scared
of everything.
Ellie Belanger Jul 2017
They ran along the side of the eroding asphalt road, gray pebbles digging rolling against the undersides of their feet

Freedom before freedom is remembered and truly needed

Just kids

When they got back to Ryan's house, Oscar said he needed a glass of water. Ryan ran inside to get a glass of water.

Oscar watched some ants eat a beetle by the front door.
Ellie Belanger Apr 2017
Her body is a patient maze of understanding
Devine calypso music inside broken hip bones which chatter as ice in warm glasses of tropical **** do
It is useless to call out her name
Someone once told me
If evening comes tomorrow then this day is over yesterday
Never knew anything I couldn't read first
Someone said
You got to let her go
And we all laughed because the rooms are empty and the streets are flooded and no one comes down
This way anymore
Because of the way the moon howls at every thing crossing north and screams red at the south things
And the stars all rush to meet us
Ellie Belanger May 2017
Every yea for the nay
Keeps everything in balance

I spend my big wishes on everlasting abundance
But keep my earnest ones saved for love
Not romantic but sturdy as houses
Love
Ellie Belanger Nov 2016
Origin of language
It's my dream to understand
Why and how
And I think it was
And it is
The human need for individuality
Betterness
To be at the top of the hierarchy
Which has sparked the vast expanse
Of spoken and written language,
The cheap signal communication style
So characteristic of human beings
Has everything to do with the need
To control and create
But the joke, ultimately,
May be on us
For when you create less than what you destroy,
You cease to be the creator of your own destiny,
And become instead the destroyer of your own fate.
Listen to the whispers of dead language
Which creep through your DNA
And understand.
Ellie Belanger Oct 2017
my cry for help
Sounds like
muffled sobs
against sweat-stained
Pillowcases.

it's hard to root out
Against the click and hum
of the dripping mini-fridge
And the bursts of barking laughter
from downstairs.
Ellie Belanger Aug 2017
I am not open to new ideas
Though I believed I was
Just means I am gonna have to work harder
Or suffer the truth of death
Which is to be certain of all things
Ellie Belanger Aug 2018
I am lonely.

I am lonely.

I am lonely.

But shhhhhh

Don’t tell anyone
Ellie Belanger Feb 2016
I called the shots until I realized
I was shooting all my friends.
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