she said, he said,
what’s in between?
the hurt, the anger and the painful reality,
that in the eyes of many,
i am no longer,
the one who cares,
the one who loves truly and deeply,
the one with a sky full of dreams,
in the end,
in other people’s eyes,
i am not even me,
i am someone who they’ve painted me to be.

I was once shy
I always asked myself why?
"Be different" I whispered to my nine year old self
I recalled that at the time I hated myself

And so I bloomed into this wildflower
I became spontaneous, daring, unique, strange, intelligent yet naive
And so the problems started

You see I wanted to be different
But I didn't know the cost
I didn't know the cost until I became seventeen
You might think it was just the phase of a teen

But NO
As I layed in the ground watching everything pass by I died on the inside
I became consumed to the point of hide

"Be different" "Be accepted" "Be skinny" whispered the nine year old
I tried and I'm sorry for wanting that mold
"I'm sorry" I whisper to my seventeen year old self because the agony was not worth it

I thought drugs and alcohol was lit
I thought boys and women were ****
I thought comments were superficial
I thought social media made me official

Dear nine year old,
bullying made you weary
Tears made you strong
Thoughts killed you
And comments surrounded you but that is gone
That is past
Who are we to judge others?
GOD?
Who are we to comment?
GOD?
Who are we to feel?
Us.

The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.