he was screaming on the top of his lungs saying, "*******! *******!" as the car crashed over a water pipe, water spraying everywhere. not once did he ask if i was okay, he went outside to check on the damage, "you ruined my car! look what you did, you stressed me out so much that i crashed my car that i work so hard for" he continued, "you call this love? you're toxic for me! you're so insecure! *******, get the **** out of my car" he continued this for ten minutes, his blood boiling as he got more furious.

i looked at him with tears in my eyes, "i will leave then."

he held my hand and said, "i still love you though, i still want us to be together"

dont allow this.
this is not love.

time moves so fast
i forgot about that little kid,
kid who loves to laugh
be silly
be adventurous
and see the world
in a different light
she was so optimistic
back then

i don't recognize that kid anymore

this has been the hardest year of my life

i lost myself more than ever

im completely lost

isn't it crazy
how many opportunities
we miss with people
just to stay comfortable with someone
who doesn't serve us anymore
for the reason we are scared
of being alone

these past few months
i asked myself
if i even really had me

what does it mean
to love me
to have me
be there for me

im in a cycle
searching for someone
to give me the answer

im always left with none

shadowing the lady
you say you love,
leaving you wishing
she had what I do.

i wanted
to grow
up
too fast
rush things
too fast
and
now
i
dont
know
where
my life
has went
-(cpm)

somedays you feel nothing
somedays you feel everything
somedays its both
this pain is quick and slow
im still trying to figure out
how that can be.
-(cpm)

I have touched love
with the tips of my fingers
and it took hold of my hand
and all the fear i felt disappeared
when our hands locked.
It was gentle, caring, and soft.
-CPM

some people are just never meant to be part of your story no matter how bad you want them to.

-cpm

i look at you
and i know
i want
the both of us
to become one

-*CPM

i don't appreciate the stairs i walk on every single day. sometimes, i complain that point A to point B is too far for me to walk. i don't appreciate the rain that suddenly comes after many sunny days. the water wets my shoes and leaves my socks soaked. sometimes i walk around campus and wonder what i'm doing with my life. i always feel so lost. i look around and see unfamiliar faces. faces holding all types of emotions. i find that beautiful. i also find it beautiful that every bystander becomes part of your life, because for some reason, you and them are in the same place at the same time. it's even more beautiful when it happens in the most natural way. As if, it was meant to be. how crazy is it that two worlds can cross paths to become one? but there are worlds that keep on moving parallel to each other. I look around and see life. I see that i need to appreciate more. Appreciate the elevator that takes too long. The professor that cusses at 8 o'clock in the morning during class. Appreciate those who smile at you when walking through crowded hallways. Appreciate the idea that everyone is living so complex, just like me. Appreciate the hustle. Appreciate the process. Appreciate the unknown. Appreciate whats in store for me. Appreciate knowing and not knowing all at once. Appreciate the growth. Appreciate the balance that appears after the unbalance.  Appreciate me. Appreciate another day. Appreciate life.

i have doubted
myself the moment
i allowed you
to pick out the pieces
you did not like about me

i could not see
what i had in store
for myself
because i was too focused
on everything you wanted
me to be

i am not and nor will i ever be
everything you're looking for
and i have allowed myself
to accept that that's okay

i do not need anyone
who can't accept and love
me for me

- CPM

I hate the cold
Because it reminds me
Too much of the late nights
I spent with you and not myself
-CPM

A part of loving myself meant,
checking
underneath the bed
and the closet
for monsters every night,
and reassure myself
that what’s in there
doesn’t have power over me.
-*CPM

his lies parted my thighs,
filled me,
then left me empty.
-*CPM

there are people

who will walk right past you,
walk with you,
or stay behind you.

You decide who matters to you.

-*CPM

you
were scared
when you held
your first born
in your arms

because you
remembered the absence
of the arms that once held you.

-*CPM

your kisses
spoke against
my skin
And told me
I can not live
without you
- *CPM

we have been taught
to color inside the lines
since we were little kids,

so explain to me how do we
continue to stay inside the lines
when life is everything but that.

no wonder we always
find ourselves
close to the edge,

but never really willing to cross
because we fear what would happen
if we did what they told us not to.
-*CPM

thank you for your love, support, and most importantly your own self growth. the greatest part of writing is creating a community where people know they aren't alone through their hardships. It has been a great year, filled with so much growth. let's continue to write and grow together some more. much love.

- *CPM

you* need you.

- *CPM

i do not live in a world
where i can not
make art

i do not live in a world
where i can not
share my emotions

i do not live in a world
where i can not
create something, anything.

-*CPM

my mind is ready to move on
but my heart only knows how to stay.

-*CPM

I wrote poems that carried so much of my vulnerability, self-love, emptiness, lust, self-destruction, and etc. that I felt all in that time.

I woke up every morning having bad habits that were difficult to let go. It began to be a routine to go on with my day with toxic thoughts, actions and feelings.

Most times, it takes hundredths of poems to heal brokenness. I'm here to say, in that amount of time, you have grown stronger than the last poem you've written. And when you look back at all those words you poured out so effortlessly, you have not realized how much pain you gone through and survived. You are a healing wound, and your body and mind is working wonders without you even knowing every second of the day.

You will wake up one day, feeling exhausted for letting this heaviness weigh you down for so long and you'll realize you're meant to do more than just fall.

- *CPM

i used to cry everyday.
because i thought i deserved
a love that burned my finger tips
every time i tried to fix it.
but love should never
leave you with blisters.

- *CPM

i hate that i remember
the taste of your lips against mine
and how i miss those soft sheets
tangled between our bodies

i hate that days have passed
and you haven't pressed
your lips against mine
and your sheets are cold and empty

and when you're tangled
with those sheets all by yourself
you do not even think twice
about the my warmth

- *CPM

i do not need you
to fill the parts of me
you think are empty

i am mine
and i am more full
than i have ever been

- *CPM

my body became his pit stop
foolishly, i opened up pieces of me
that he stored shortly
before he left them crumbled
on his night stand

i remember what he said clearly,
lies coated with thick honey
he was sweet only for a second
his words felt like sugar all over me
he always came back for a taste
but I do not taste the same since then

- *CPM

i have traded my self love
for his i love you

i had no idea i was covering up
his own insecurities with
ever bit of affection and forgiveness i had left.

countless times have i mistaken
his jealousy for thinking i was loved.
i didn't know that jealousy
was a prison he voluntarily stays in.
i didn't know i was already held captive
until he dangled the key right in front of me.

- *CPM

i keep running towards the sun
but the person i don't want to be
is my shadow.

- *CPM

CPM

home is not
him, her, & them
home is where
your mind, soul, & heart
connects to make you whole

you are your own home.
your bones are shields.
your smile is the sun
seeping through these
curtains every hour of the day,
and when these days are coming to an end
your garden has already grown
the most beautiful flowers.

to believe home is everything
but yourself is asking for a disaster
to break down the walls
you have been building for years.
home never lies in the hands
of another but your own.

- *CPM