i keep repeating
the same chant
in my mind

please stay, please don't go away
i know i pushed you away
but that's me lying to myself

i keep repeating

please fight
even if i am not worth your might

but i watched you walk away from me
leaving behind nothing
but memories and everything.

artistically, i am the fragments of the glass you smashed on that cold concrete.

emotionally, you drown me in that black seas of darkness.

technically, all you did was you left me with memories.

but honestly?

i am broken beyond repair.

nothing can describe
this feeling of dread in my chest.

not even the cold wind
or the icy storm coming my way.

nothing can deny
this feeling of despair
in my chest
in my legs
in my whole existence.

nothing may torture me
but my own self.

i need that paroxysm
that little jolt
that single spark
for me to feel again.

i hate to admit
i would sound
desperate
and needy
but i need someone.

i don't want just anyone.

but i don't know
i really need one.

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

there's a lot of questions
regarding my heart
that remained unanswered.

is it made of fragile glass
or strong diamond?

is it fixable?
hammering nails
and drilling screws in
or we just glue it all back together?

what colour is my heart?
definitely not white.
is it red?
jet black?
or merely grey?

is it beating
or maybe sound i've been hearing
were the marching parade
to respect the death of my heart?

is it broken
or it was never complete?
but then *if it's broken, how can it still beat?

they told me that
i am a pessimist
that i should wear
my positive hat
and not think of malice.

i am very sure that
every pessimist
were once an optimist.

they went through
things that made them
lose hope
and lose their courage
to bravely trust and believe
again.

from the tiniest bit of betrayal
to the biggest act of treason.

i believe no one is born a pessimist.
they were all once, optimists.

hope may be a superficial belief
but it's not as fake as you think it is.