i'm not good at expressing my thoughts.

i'm not good at picturing how the clear skies hugged my heart, or maybe how the storms drowned me into depression.

i'm not good at writing how lovely the sounds of nature, how it rhythms with our heartbeats when we lay down and watch the stars.

i'm not good at describing your beautiful smile, how it reminds me of the clouds, and how your company reminds me of the earthquakes around the world.

i'm especially not good in painting words about how much i missed you since everything.

but one thing i'm surely good at would be missing you.

I know the risks when I said I loved you. I loved you as a person, as a friend, as a soul. I never lied to you about how I loved you. I loved you more than I ever loved myself but unfortunately you want more. You want more than I can ever give, and I'm sorry I can't do that. I'm sorry that half of my, half of my fiery soul burned out for someone else two years ago. I'm sorry that another half was taken by a goddess, and she turned my fire blue. I loved her, more than I loved me, more than I can ever love you.

often we not realize that

the best poems are the ones that were never written

never spoken

never expressed.

the best poems are the ones we keep to ourselves

raw

and untouched.

"you're my favorite almost",
he said.

"you're my sweetest what if",
she said.

I'm standing at the edge, too afraid to move
Looking down into the bottomless pool.
I've fallen in before and didn't drown then
But standing here now it's a question of when.

I liked it before, I enjoyed the cool waters
Splashing over my head, cooling me down.
The sound of laughter and joy filled my ears,
But now I can only watch, too afraid that I might drown.

What if the waters fill my lungs and I can't breathe
Or if I tire too quick and get pulled down by the current
The air might leave my lungs when no one's around
And I might not break the surface, I might drown.

I can't take the leap of faith, I'm paralyzed in fear,
Yet my friends are there laughing as they search blindly for each other.
I take a step back content with being alone;
I'm close enough to feel their joy though I know it's not my own.

When someone like me comes along
Too afraid to take the leap, yet afraid to be alone
I know pushing them in would serve them best
But instead I talk them through it until they can jump in on their own

As they swim there, a smile on their face,
They call to me, asking me to join in their race,
But I'm a hypocrite of my own making.
I talk big and give good advice, but in the end I'm just faking .

And so I sit on the edge of the pool,
with my feet in the water.
Just out of reach of all the fools
Who think my place is in the water.

Though I know I can swim that doesn't stop me.
Though I'm sure I'd enjoy it that doesn't help me.
So here I sit in the same place they've all found me,
Sitting on the edge of life, so afraid of drowning.

2/3/17 1:00 am

True love is not seasonal, as it will always be eternal.

i wonder why people are
so in love with the moon
when it actually just reflected
the lights of the sun?

the moon decides the tides of the ocean
but still, why are we worshipping
the reflector?

yeah, maybe you can love the stars
because they shine a little bit
and, and maybe you can love the moon
because it was there during the lonely nights

but what about the sun?
maybe we are too into something else
to realize the ones that has burned for us.