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For this moment I still breath,
It is a precious gift from God,
Birthdays are not only the days to thank and praise Him,
But daily should be a birthday to bring Him back,
All the glory and honor He deserve,
A birthday of a new us for the past no longer exist,
There should be renewal of self each day,
A self so worthy in God's sight.

I could not really ask for more,
For when I look at the sky day and night,
It always shows me God's great love for me,
A love unfathomable to man's knowledge.

I already got my precious gift,
The treasure that I cherish a lot,
He is my king, my soulmate, my lover,
With him in my life,
I am already complete,
I could not ask for more,
For God already gave me,
The person that truly fill the spaces in my life,
The man I truly wanted and needed,
The one who is my all,
And for that this is the best Birthday ever,
Thank God, Praise God, Glory and Honor to Him!!!!



with love <3


© Earl Jane
♥ E.J.C.S.

with no room
to breathe, we wreathe the shanks
of our slow breach, with retreat from our null ranks.
we are going to burn for the very thing the water sparked..
the undarked sun of our unwashed medallions; marched
from sea wreck, to the bottom
of unmarked
fathoms.

clarity bleats -
and howls. but the chaos engines purr
like kittens in a bin of catnip and gypsy porridge, as it were.
and however docile the violence of our retrospect, we wander.
but never turn again to the nuisance of what two hearts
may ponder.
and yet
so it is... we kink the smooth blithering of gnats and hatters.
but only have ourselves to blame
for what if ?

if anything mattered.

A scent on the wind
A moment in time

Today,
I feel like committing suicide.
I'm so tired of it all
Pretending to be someone I'm not.
Putting on a fake smile to please my family and friends, so that they don't worry.
I want them to think I'm happy, even though I'm so far from it.

Its not the new year that finally did it
The 'new year new me' thing.
I know who I am and there's no fixing it.
It's my abusive dad that pushed me over.
The fact that he can't be greatful for anything I do
And when he's asked me to do something I've already done
The job I did for it wasn't enough.
The fact that he yells at me because I ask for something at the store, whether it be socks or a candy bar.
"No you don't deserve that."

Maybe it's the fact that he puts me down so much
And every time I deny his words he gets even more angry
I don't know why I bother
I don't deny them for my own sake.
When I do he throws whatever is nearest
Plates, countless beer bottles, even a chair.
I lower myself to the floor, crying.
Maybe I get him so mad in hopes he'll finally throw something fatal.
A knife that just happens to hit my neck.
I've never had the courage to take my own life.
I am worthless

What ties me here?
It's the one I love.
He deserves so much better than me,
But he says he loves me for who I am.
I am broken.
He's a reason to go too.
The fact that I can't touch the one I love without being pushed away.
Being told no and stop.
I hear the same words my father says in my lovers actions.
"No you don't deserve that."
I know I don't.
I'm sorry for wanting something.

Maybe I want to leave because I have no one to turn to.
Because all of my friends already have their own problems, and I'm just another burden they shouldn't have to deal with.
And anytime I talk to them about my own problems
It becomes a competition
Suddenly we have to top each other on who has it worse.
"I would **** to be in your place, my father is so much worse."
Again.
I hear my father's words
"You don't deserve to complain."
I really don't.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm already dying.
As I write these words my heart tears at my ribs, desperate to get out.
Its like a panic attack within my chest
As if someone grabbed my heart and squeezed it so hard.
I don't want to feel pain anymore.
Please
Not another heart attack.

My little slice of heaven.
It's so far away.
So far.

Sitting with my lover
As he whispers words I haven't known much about.

"You're beautiful."
Who could see beauty in something so far gone.
So dead inside.

"I don't want anyone else."
Who would choose me?
I'm nothing grand.
I'm a dead reflection in a broken mirror.
Nothing to hang on the wall.

"I don't deserve you."
You don't.
I'm so sorry.
You deserve so much better.
Someone who can make jokes with you,
Be more patient than I.
Someone who can love you without dying at the same time.

What sickness lies within me.
I cannot stay here any longer.
My little piece of heaven is too far off.
"Just a few years.
Just a few years more."

I don't have the strength for that.
Not anymore.

I'm sorry.