I clung to you like a lifeline-
A floating buoy in a violent sea
But when I let go of you
Into the deep, deep
Blue,
I found that I had gills—
And I could breathe.

My words stick to the
Roof of my mouth like peanut butter,
Like white bread,
And no matter how hard they try,
They can’t escape.
Lucky to make it past my brain’s thick fortress,
Now they sit useless at the tip of my tongue,
Wishing to come forth but my mouth
Not forming the words.
My vowels languish in my throat and
My consonants sit listless,
All my verb phrases and direct objects
Lie in a jumbled mess,
Too disheartened to make a move.
They know that if they leave my lips,
Others will take them and cut them up,
Mince them like onions,
But the only person who will cry over them is
Me.
Eventually, too many letters will clamor at my
Lips for attention, and my throat will
Close entirely,
Never fessing,
Admitting,
Confessing,
The things I feel.

I feel like a stranger in my own home.
An outsider.
The lodger that has outstayed their welcome.
When are these feelings going to fade?
As though the cycle of my youth has started again.
Pressure.
Pressure to get a proper job.
Pressure to find someone to settle down with.
Pressure to be someone I don’t want to be.
Pressure to live up to the same standards as everyone else.
Pressure to be independent. Not just independent in the sense as we know it but in the financial sense.
Pressure to be thin.
Pressure to be as thin as my mum.
How do I break away from those projections of frustration, of disappointment, of self-loathing?

My eyes I wish I could remove
And change them with another
Yes, it's true
That they are blue
Just like those of my mother
Not how they look
The reason why
I wish they would unscrew
If I did wear
A different pair
Perhaps a different view

Oh, please dear friend
Just briefly lend
If not two then just one
It's all I need
To plant a seed
"Before" can be undone
The way you see
How you view me
Wish for me same was true
But my eyes frown
As they look down
Don't see things like you do

Pathetically
I try to flee
But can't outrun myself
My destiny
Forever weak
Success put on a shelf
If just a peak
A passing streak
Please give me something new
Ask for one scene
Where I could gleen
An image that is true

A sparkling sheen
But in between
The lines I start to skew
Awake or dream
Not what they seem
Instead a nightmare drew
Why can't I find
Place in my mind
A honed in frequency
To feel sublime
Like all is fine
Replace my cup of tea

If for one day
Saw things your way
Beliefs maybe could change
Instead I lay
In bed I've made
Forget eyes, need new brain

I grew with roots
planted firmly
inside my mother
and when those roots were ripped,
and I was pushed into this world
(unwillingly)

I screamed and cried

And every move since then,
every change,
every uprooting,
I've behaved the same.