Some girls
Have butterflies
Beautiful winged elegance
Flying through their cerebrums

Me?

I've got old ghosts
That turn into whiskey drunk monsters
Saying
"I should put a bullet
In your brain".

I saw him yesterday.
Standing in front of me.
Blowing his brains out
Over and over.

A movie stuck on repeat
In my brain.

And some small part
Of me
Hopes he does it.
So he doesn't come after me
Anymore.

Maybe
The monster is me.

The battle between
darkness and depression
is onslaught for any troubled soul
for it takes place much deeper
than any dug out hole
This darkness seems to just find me
Takes over my world into my sanctuary
It settles around the iris of my eyes
Turning me into someone who just seems to cry
Rooted in negativity and lost in my pain
Through my eyes it enters my brain
Corrupting my each and every thought
Breeding unwelcome memories that like to haunt
Spreading now like poison through my veins
Trying to take over till nothing remains
Writing words is my only defense
When nothing else I do makes any sense
The power of prose keeps that place deep within me
Safe and free from this darkened toxicity…

happily, you decompose
releasing your woes
even as they drag away your laughter

euphorically, you dissolve
losing your resolve
to live, even as your fears leave you

elatedly, you decay
your skin turns ash-grey
and maggots dig into your flesh

passionately, you molder
your recently-cremated ashes smolder
the flame devoured you with all the ferocity of a lover

joyfully, you disintegrate
forget the cold burn of hate
and misplace the memory of love, too

blissfully, you rot
lose your affinity with thought
your mind a directionless searching

delightedly, you wither
there is no time to dither
no time, full sprint to oblivion

reverently, you splinter
welcome eternal winter
relegate warmth to your fleeing memories

earnestly, you break down
your will is to drown
all your issues are a rising sea

fervently, you fall apart
you thought you were so smart
with death comes release, no?

h.f.m.

Like an old friend inviting you to come inside.
Familiar. Comforting.
It will grasp you in its arms and hold you close;
And when you're ready to leave, it wont let you go.
You will beg and plead to be happy,
and it will put up a fight.
It will make you think that the only way to escape it is to take your own life.
If you are lucky, you can break free;
and it will sit and watch you from afar.
Calling your name.
Welcoming you back into it's arms.
It will intrude your thoughts.
Make you think you are worthless.
That you're better off dead.
Just keep telling yourself that it's all in your head.
Keep moving. You will get far.
Depression is not who you are.

I’ll never tell

I made the promise unconsciously
I closed the shutters
Nailed the doors shut
Pulled the curtains
To convince
I’m not sure who
That no one was home
So no one would hurt me anymore

I’ll never tell

Each time I tried
To dig the roots up
Pull out the rot
The thorns wrapped around my words
Bound them tight
With the shame
The anger
The fear
The pain

I’ll never tell

Rickety structures
Grew over me
Armor
Cutting the hands
Of any who
Came too close
I cut my hands
Trying to pull them down
To embrace them

I’ll never tell

It never belonged to me
Though the brand
Gleams on me
In the moonlight
When you tried to kiss me
How he did
Seems like only yesterday

Your eyes hold fear
Misunderstanding
The creature claiming me
I couldn’t stop
The roaring of my blood
The rising of the scream
I never let out
When hungrier hands
Closed on my throat

The colours the same
The smell the same
The hand on my thigh the same
The innocence of the embrace
The trust
How it all started

It’s not the same
It’s not the same
This is ma coeur
It’s not the same
It’s not him

My world shifts between
One of heaven
One of hell
I cannot find my reality
Not even to ease your fear
I could not stop my own
Rising like it did too late
On a night
So the same

I felt again
His bruising on my skin
Green and blue fingerprints
On my wrists
My collar bone
My leg
My throat
My hips

‘It’s so hot’ he’d say
As I shrank away
Not for the first time
It was our repeat routine
He’d always go too far
I’d leave him
With fear and shame

And he’d always be so sorry
‘I love you’ he’d say
‘There’s nothing wrong with this, this is normal’ he’d say
When I’d shrink from his hands
Tell him no no no
I’d tell him don’t touch me like that
And he’d say sorry
And do it again and again.
Tell me how unhappy it made him
If I didn’t let him do it

I don’t remember when I stopped trusting him
When i started to be afraid
My friends told me
It wasn’t normal
It wasn’t okay
When I’d finally share the secret
‘Get out of there!’
They’d say.
‘It’s not safe!’
But I don’t think they even knew
What was coming
What he could do.
I should have left him long before
It’s my fault you see
I taught him it was okay
To abuse me

In a way
My own nature and upbringing
Is to blame
I was born without a single desire
To fight
I’d bow my head and take the punches
Even as a child
I could not even play wrestle with my siblings
And they’d laugh and push me in front of strangers like a party trick
‘Look’ they’d say,
‘She won’t fight back’.

You see it hurt me more
To fight back
To hurt them
Than it did to be hurt
By them.

I was taught to love trust and forgive all
I was taught to be gentle
Even when the world isn’t gentle with you.

So I forgave
Over and over
Second, third, twentieth chances
Because he said he loved me
He was right wasn’t he?

Some part of me knew
My body, knew.
His lips on mine
Gave me a bitter taste in my mouth
I’d spit him out
I’d be repulsed
I stopped feeling like his touches were affectionate
And started taking them
Like punches

Everything was blue
It smelled like a new car
I was leaving him.
I couldn’t bear it any longer.
His pain was a violent thing.
I hurt with him
I couldn’t shut him out
I just wanted him to feel better
I should have known better
Than to reach for him.

I wrote it out
It still feels dishonest
So damning
Even now I cannot raise
Even a verbal hand against him
I don’t want anyone
To see the telling

I thought it’d be something
I could forget and bury
But this isn’t moving on
Sharing moments with my love
With his ghost

I’ll never tell
I promised
Because once I do
The witch hunt would start
And my life and his
Would be ruined worse
Than I am ruined
Already.

I’m sorry

You saw his branding
I saw how afraid you were.

I’m sorry
You have to share me with it.
I’m sorry,
My love, that

I’ll never tell.

No reflection of you in me.


Clothes as black as pitch; hair dark as night.
In fear you find me, ******, alive.
Quick of ***** thoughts, hidden from your sight;
You do not like us, but we don’t mind.


You hate us for our individuality,
Because you yourself lack your own clarity.
We live in the shadows;
The sunlight is our enemy.
Beneath a moon is where we belong;
The lost children of an Eden long since gone.


With palest skin and blackened eyes,
We cherish the fear we cause; we love being despised.
With cloaks dragging behind us, we sharpen our fangs;
Our nails are nine inches, our songs only for the ******.


Your rainbow has lost its colour;
Rain washes away all your suns
And in the end we are your nemesis,
Because we are having so much fun.


Go follow their path; we shall lurch along through this dead garden.
We are bitter on the outside; our love is pure, your love purely stolen.
Forget forget-me-nots and leave the carcass there to rot.
We have fire in our veins.  We are found; you are lost.


In the Devil’s eyes we are immortalized;
You have no right to have any kind of effect on my life.
Stay away from us or become covered in words drenched in filth;
You keep putting us down, but we are standing still.


We stand alone and think like a colony;
We defy your social etiquette and your idea of society.
Do what you have been taught;
Follow footsteps, learn to walk.
You are so quick to pass judgment,
Whilst clearly knowing nothing at all.


With witches and vampires we make a connection;
No reflection,
No reflection,
No reflection,
No reflection.


You see no reflection when you look into my eyes;
No part of you to relate to, no illusion of paradise.
No morning glory; no have a nice day.
We are worthless; we are depressing; we are miserable…
So you say.


I will say what I mean, without needing to be mean.
Do you understand what I mean, when I tell you, you are so clean?
You say I am worthless, but you are nothing.
A scream in the night lets you know you we are singing.
Give me a ***** riff, run a nail down a window;
In the end we all have to go,
So let go of your ego.


There is no reflection of you inside of me.
There is no reflection of me inside of you.
There is no reflection of the light that you seek,
Because you cannot see the real me and you are see through.


(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Long ago, I felt it rinse through my body
And sink in a shallow too deep to reach
By mere hands.

From early on it spread:
Quiet, low, festering, yet
Too bruised to conceal
Too flash and fire to put out, and
Every once and again
It consumes each straying thought, I--

              I wanted to be naked like everyone else.

I wanted to brim and spill over,
A kettle engulfed in flame.

I wanted a song I could hold,
A dream I could touch,
Personified by love and love only, so
I carved my body into a question mark
And let you in.

You've made a garment of me.
A disheveled entity I no longer recognize,
Your animated sleeve.

Anxiety, you are the perfect lover.
The table I lay my worry on.
The one I curl into at night.

I line my shelves with your books as if
One day they'll offer an answer,
But
They are light and leafless.

I watch high from your window as you
Paint your face on my mirrors,
Beat your name into my walls,
Speak for me,
Breathe for me, I--

               I once considered washing you down into oblivion.

Made a net of my hands and convinced myself
I could fall forward,
Land without you.

Through years I've realized
I could do this very thing
Without condensing my life into a bottle.

No pills, no altering remedies,
No.

              I do not wish to dull your senses.

Instead I wish, in silence,
That one day
I will garner the courage to
Stand up to you
When you are wrong.

--
c