you say mental illness is a big deal until
i am sitting surrounded by trash in my car because its the only place i feel safe
until
i am crying when i wake up because i don't want to wake up
until
i am searching through pictures trying to find a scrap of light
until
i am sitting on the bathroom floor drinking the half empty beer i found in the recycling
until
i get attached to the drawings on my legs and cry when they go away
until
my plants all die because i cant water them
until
my pets die because i cant feed them
until
i starve myself on accident
until
my room has to be heavy or i cant breathe
until
i block everyone on my contacts list because i feel like they are watching me
until
i cant run anymore
until
i cant walk anymore
until
there is nothing left but you still want more

Dear Marc (like cheese),
Your hair is soft (like cheese),
Your bed smells cool (like cheese),
Your chin is squishy (like cheese).

I like your basement (like cheese),
I like your drums (like cheese),
I like the ground (like cheese),
I like bubble pipes (like cheese).

Your socks are black (like cheese),
Your eyes are blue (like cheese),
Your hair is yellow (like cheese),
Your floor is carpet (like cheese).

You like cabbage poems (like cheese),
You like play station (like cheese),
You like cigar smoke (like cheese),
You like chocolate (like cheese).

I like your style (like cheese),
I like that you dance (like cheese),
I like your childishness (like cheese),
I like Pokemon (like cheese).

You are tall (like cheese),
You are white (like cheese),
You are my friend (like cheese),
You are Marc (like cheese).

I AM COLE (unlike cheese)

It’ll be an old fashioned Christmas,
with Santa due down the chute.
I bet he Purells his reindeer,
and Lysols his hazmat suit.

It’s an old fashioned Christmas.
We’ll all have on our masks,
and our muffled yuletide carols,
will be just like seasons past.

We’ll observe all the guidelines.
We’ll eat six feet apart.
We’ll have disinfectant under the mistletoe,
and keep safety in our hearts.

Sure, it’s an old fashioned Christmas.
One unique to the times.
The love this year might be careful,
but the feelings are genuine.

You lift me up,
So you can pull me down,
You sew my crack,
To tear me apart.

I trust you enough,
And disclose my secrets,
But you use it to discredit,
And wound me to shame.

I tell you all my broken dreams,
But you used it as an insult,
For me to lose confidence,
To feel unworthy and useless.

I told you of my grim past,
But you use it as an edge,
To mudsling and bring me,
Such pain & emotional turmoil.

I thought you are my better half,
But your harshness caused me distress,
Your lies bring coldness to my soul,
You never love me, not even once.

Today
Was a lot like yesterday.
It rained, I sat
in a room alone
thinking of you
and what almost was
and now is not.

Tomorrow
I will sit in a room alone
thinking of you.
It could have been – but isn’t.
It might have been – but wasn’t.

Someday
I will get up
and leave this room
where I sit alone
and think of you.
I will forget Almost and Maybe.
But not today.

I live to breathe
Nothing else
It may seem so simple
As if there is more but there is not
I don't enjoy holidays
I'm not quite sure why
Every time I think of Christmas time
I want to cry
I usually enjoy sleep
The nights would be my favorite
But my mind has recently
Scared me out of that
So I live to breathe
I live for my chest to expand and empty
The rhythmic working
Of my heart
Circulation of my blood
From my head to my feet
I simply live to breathe

I’m sorry that I’m not enough, for you
But I promise I’m trying to
I know my best isn’t enough
But doing all of this is tough

You speak so calmly but I can feel the screams
My tears come flowing out in streams
You think I don’t try but it’s all I ever do
You think I’m rude but I’m trying to be nice to you
I don’t know what you want from me
I’m giving everything I have

Sometimes I feel like no matter what
I’ll just never be enough