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dear mom,
you might love me but you certainly don't like me.
dear dad,
you might miss me but you certainly didnt make an effort to see me either
dear me,
you have a giant nose and horrible skin
dear diego,
sorry that you died
dear ellie,
i dont rlly think ur dead
dear kiwi,
ik you didnt really like me but youre soft
dear daisy,
plz dont die
dear luna,
youd get over me in a few weeks
dear eli,
i hope you ******* sob yourself to sleep
dear earlie,
i wish you would, but you probably woudn't
dear dad,
i dont care if you didnt get me a christmas gift in time but our plans to hang out when you literally live 20 minutes away have been postponed by 4 months
dear mom,
stop acting like you care
dear anthony
you a real one
i am on my hands and knees
begging
p l e a s e
get up
getup get UP
GETUPGETUPGETUP
i am sitting.
i am screaming
my eardrums are blown to **** right now
from crying in agonizing pain in my head
please
you have to get up
GET THE **** UP
but its like all of my cells are ten pounds and my mind is filled with concrete
im sorry but i cant.
i love you but i wont
im trying not to be selfish but im going to have to be
i dont want to get better
i want to sink further until you give up on me
and once you do everything will be better again.
obsession is purple
like silk sheets and smeared lipstick and wine glasses and violets
like blood clots and night walks and voices filled with malice
having an obsessive personality is hard when you have no one worthy over obsessing over so you will obsess over yourself
2018
affirmations in my notes app
"you can do this
you can do this
YOU CAN DO THIS
you CAN do this
you can do this.
you will do this
you will do this
you WILL DO THIS."
i can feel the obsession through the lcd screen
it reeks of narcissism and airplane juice and secrets and lightness
and goals and lack of you
i wanted to be skinny to be free, not boney
to feel dreams around me in daylight and to walk on tiptoes
you are the heaviest ive ever felt.
most people dont want to go to the hospital
i really want to go to the hospital
harsh words cut through lucidity in sleep
flow distorted by my continued faith in you
i am sorry my room isnt clean please dont take away my things
i would call this emotional abuse but im also emotionally abusing you
i flinch when you touch me not because ive been hit but because i am so worried skin to skin bonding will form an emotional connection
i don't want to give up my thoughts to you
you say i never talk but complain about how i ramble at dinner
maybe I do talk to you but you are only interested when i have something emotional to say
i am trying to communicate with you subtly
im not going to tell you straight up
straight up?
hi
my soul spills onto the countertop into this cup of tea
trembling i reach out my hand to you
"i made you tea"
you already have tea steaming on the desk next to a frantic stack of paperwork
ill pull back my hand and leave the thick silence to draw in a sharp breath
this does not count as an act of kindness to you because it wasnt fully executed, and you will not remember it.
  Jan 9 flitting Apathy
Alyssa
I poured myself
inside your cup
pretended to be tea
your lips pursed to the rim
burning kiss
bile churns
you forgot
I'm made of sins
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