That I'm cute
Beautiful
Pretty

And I tell them that
It's okay that I'm not
Because I know I'm not
But I don't like being lied to

I know I'm not
Because I can't let tears
Drip down my cheeks
As they shimmer in the dim light
Of the movie credits

I sob until
My face is red and damp and puffy
And I'm clinging to your sleeve
And just crying so uncontrollably
That people sitting next to us
In the dark theater
Might glimpse over to see if maybe
I have a reason to cry so hard.

Does shehave cancer?
Is she missing a leg?
Did her crack-addict mother die when she was an infant?
Why is this bratty straight white blonde girl crying while watching Selma/Dallas Buyer's Club/The Help?

I have to brush my hair
Instantly
When I get out of the pool
In the summer
(Hopping from foot to foot of course
Because the sun has baked the concrete)
Because if I don't
It becomes a half-curly knotted mess.

And if I don't braid it directly after that
Then it dries
In resemblance to a Yield Sign
In a somewhat triangular form

And I'm chubby.
Not fat. It would be better if I were fat.
If I were fat then things would be
Proportionalish
But instead I'm just
A 5'2 and 3/4" girl
With DDs that no one wants
Because "***** don't count when you're chubby"
And baby fat that lounges on my stomach
No matter how many kilometers I row.

My fingers are too small for my hands.
My glasses make my eyes look huge.
My lips are forever chapped.
My cheeks are overly red.
My eyes are too dark to be pretty
And I know it.
I know all of it.

I've lived in my body for longer than you have.
So don't lie to me.
Don't tell me that I'm cute
Beautiful
Or god forbid pretty
Because I really
Really
Hate being lied to.

I remember
A time
Long ago
When waking up
Made me smile

New day
New opportunities
Fun
Excitement
Amazement
Love

I wake up today
Tears run down my cheeks

Dread
Fear
Disappointment
Heart ache
Anxiety
Stress

Is this all there is?  

I don’t want to wake up….

I was young
And you were beautiful
You were laughing
At my youth
I didn’t know
That you were lying
All I saw was naked truth
You were bored
I was a plaything
Killing time
Late afternoon
Came the evening
Shared a cigarette
Blew some smoke rings at the moon
Went inside
You made a drink
Said you needed time to think
The phone rang
I was thoughtful
Went into the other room
Turned the TV on
So I couldn’t hear
When I came back
I found you’d gone.
You left a note
Not of apology
But of conclusion
Just the same.
And a twenty for the taxi home.
You said that you were glad I came.
PwL  5/24/15

I remain happy on gains
I become sad on losses
all these reflect me
as I'm human
you are silent
I'm worried
you are one of two
God or Savage

I choked on my apology
As I swallowed my pride
It was caustic -
Burned all the way down,
But she’s the one that lied.
She said she loved me
But she didn’t
She loved the actors we’d become.
Characters from movies,
Protagonists from plays,
Chasing happy endings
And winding through a maze
Of dead end streets and
Errant turns
Lost with no way out.
Captains of a windblown ship
No way to come about.

But we were close!
Our destination loomed,
A beacon showed the way
To avoid the waves and jagged rocks,
To reach the shore, and end the play.
To drink from calm, fresh waters
And soothe the burning in our throats,
Retire both our characters,
Build a castle with no moats.
Have the guards remove their armor, drop their shields,
And toss the helmets from their heads,
Put an end to all the fighting, and
Let the dreams chase us instead.
PwL  5/20/15

The memories still flow freely
Like a cut that won't stop bleeding
Though you've been gone for years
And to ghosts I'm left pleading

When love was severed at the root
Like a limb discarded
I've since felt dull ache
Perpetually disregarded

Like phantom limb syndrome
This missing extension can be felt still
Though there's nothing there
Naught but the occasional chill