There's smoke in the air
It's everywhere

There's smoke in my lungs
My breath it expunged

There's smoke in my eyes
Making me cry

There's smoke in my life
Cutting like a knife


I sit and watch the fire
Burning up all I desire
I watch the wind blow
The memories that flow
Unable to stop the burn
Even with all I've learned
On all my life experiences I choke
Only in darkness is my name spoke
Nothing now but a whiff of smoke

The sky opened up and swallowed me whole
That was ages and ages ago
I tumble in the darkness going to and fro
Trying to endure the sorrow as it grows

The clown grabbed my hand
Said "let's make a stand"
"In this topsy turvy land"
His smile was so menacing, away I ran

The beast searched me out, yes I was found
He opened up his razor lined snout and gobbled me down
In his belly I'm splashing around
In all this bile I'm sure to drown

All good words and intentions where so botched
My loved ones could only stand and watch
As the universe raised it up a notch
Reached down and grabbed me by the crotch

Now I'm hoping the sky will swallow me whole
Don't search me out in that darkest hole
As I step off the edge and ride the flow
With a smile on my face I will be happy to go

I can't help it let the true be told
I can't help it if the mirror's cold
I can't help it that the reflection's changed
I can't help it if I'm not the same
I can't help it so little remains
I can't help it tormented by the pain
I can't help it I'm almost gone
I can't help it, it's all gone wrong
I can't help it what's  been stole
I can't help it the mirror's cold

I'm out of my depth
Out of breath
In over my head
Filled with dread
Lost at sea
Down on my knees
Tossed in the fire
Lost in desire
Churned in the coals
Playing the roles
Left in the sun
In front of the gun
Out in the snow
As the northern wind blows
Blinded by the light
In my forever darkened night

I seen an angel riding in my darkened sky
I seen a serpent slithering near by
With blurred vision I watched them fly
But a brief distraction, a twitch of the eye
The serpent gobbled up my angel and I don't know why
All I could do is bow my head and cry

Sadly this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
She must turn cold
For over her, people just rolled

She alway knew they would
But she still did what she could
She so desperately wanted to belive
That everyone that was truly in need
Would appreciate what she did
She had the faith of a little kid
She believed there was good in most everyone
But now with all of that, she was done

There finally was that last straw
Finally a line she had to draw
This decision was agonizingly painful
After this, she didn't know what she would live for, would she be able

The pain of this was greater then all that had came before
This killing of her own soul hurt so much more
Than what any human monster had inflicted
With this her heart would truly be restricted

She took the broken pieces of her being
Ground them to dust as tears down her checks kept steaming
She knew with this final self inflicted act
There would be no coming back

There would be no more love, no hope
If not for drugs, how would she cope

With one last sigh
One last cry
She pounded what made her, her to dust
She felt no other way out, it was a must
The chain that bound her to helping others just turned to rust
It broke and fell away
She wondered why on this earth would she now stay

For with all the good she had tried to spread into this wicked place
She sincerely thought it would be returned when difficulties she faced
Only to find
No other human would act as kind

Every single person she tured to
Only replied "what can I do"
"I would help, but I must put myself first"
Her loving heart made her feel so utterly cursed

So she decided that was it
No longer with the afflicted would she sit
No longer would she put others before herself
They could all fall off the ******* shelf

This decision was not freeing
It was gonna **** her completely, her fragile soul, her being
It was gonna break the ties that held her to this life
But when she need help, no one was there to end the strife

Now this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
Now she is as cold and heartless as the rest
But look really hard, there is still the stain of tears upon her breast

Now you see me, now you don't
I want to run, but maybe I wont
Frozen in time, still always moving
Memories flawed, futures always proving
Agony unwavering, is always changing
Happiness unreachable, yet so nearing
Things unwanted, forever need
Wounds have healed, scars still bleed
Always right, standing in the wrong
Feelings left to die, forever live on

She stumbled across the streets,
with low light streams.
Casting a glimpse to the rustling leaves,
fearing a soul's hail,
for 'twould free her long-harbored wail.

Her white shroud floating back like a spectre unleashed,
her feeble hands holding tight to the shovel in need;
on she went digging, with all her strength beaming,
waiting not for a second to breathe.

A ditch no less than a bottomless pit,
was what she endeavored to achieve in the late night sleep
to abandon her setback grief.

Seeing the world through tear stained eyes
Wondering how any one survives

The mountains we climb, trying to reach the sky, but we find
It's nothing more than the trail we leave behind

With out wings we think we can fly
Only to find we are falling from the sky
Being forced into an ocean of emotions to swim
But in the grand design someone forgot our fins

We reach for tomorrow, standing in today
As we look back, for the past has paved the way
Good or bad, when faith begins to fade
Hope is how we are saved

The illusion of time never moving, things never changing, at a still stand
Only in looking back can we see the clocks moving hands

For as surly as the moon brings in the tide
Our years in this life is but a fast ride
Moving so quickly, we don't feel the motion
Just like the the moon's pull on the ocean

Seeing the world through tear stained eyes
Knowing that in the end no one survives

To open this journal
My own excitement exposed
I'd say I'd
Picked the wrong book
To see exhausted, loud lettering
"Our Wedding"
And to hack at the list
Well,
I just felt
Like a **** floating
Almost sinking with the first wave of water
Then suddenly spinning in an uncontrollable whirlwind of deluge and certain death

Could I ever
Just maybe

..

Could I ever go back to a time
Before I caused such a mess?