Your heart rises to the shadows
My heart rises to the burden of truth
When you breathe and your breath casts a shadow,
you’re breathing in the cold

My body is not my own
Pass it along to anyone
And my heart doesn’t live inside
I have nowhere to hide it
And the places I’ve called home
They are not my home
I think I used to feel differently
but now I don’t know

You always had a place to go
You always had someone to hold
I had to listen to you fight at night
And now I’m alone

I know you never loved me
Sometimes I still want you to touch me
Down in the trenches
You always knew what to provoke
so I’d never come to my senses

And it’s mostly all my fault
It would be easier to say I blame you
I was too young
I didn’t know
I was hurt
It wasn’t my decision
but it was mine to make
Still,
I can’t take it back
I cannot escape
It has nothing to do with you
anymore, anyways

It all crescendos to inaction
And floods my interactions
It all feels too big
It’s in a cloud
above my head
And I can’t reach it
The intangible
weight of grief
I am a miserable
ghost of me

Do you think of me as your baby?
Do you want to take my pain away?
Would you take it on
so it’s not on me?
Because I’m yours
and you’re here to stay?

It always makes me feel so crazy
How much I want you
but can’t stand the thought
How easy it would be and how hard
You only wanted someone like you
Maybe one day I’ll be glad that I am not

It feels so wrong to think about moving on
as if our connection is something impermanent
As if you chose me and regretted it since
I know there’s nothing that you owe me
But you’ve always known the expectation
And I think you resent me because you failed

It’s always made me feel so lonely
Sometimes I think I’m less of a woman
because of you
Learned everything through the lens of my daddy
until he crushed and wasted me, too

I never feel as angry now
I fought for you, not knowing what I was up against
And when you were crying at the counter
I tried to love you
You couldn’t let me in

I need you now
Time is running out
I need warm hands to hold
all my bitter cold
And you have what I need to be free again
Now I’m not so sure of what I’ve been believing in

You’ve always said this would be forever-after love
But now,
I don’t know what I’ve been dreaming of
I just need your hands to hold
through the bitter cold

And if you are what I need
then I am free
Now I’m not so sure
that I was ever lost

I need you now…

Abrupt decline
No pilot driving
Chutes opening
An empty vessel
But your hands are steady
And I feel myself landing

Hardened by times
of neglect,
assault
Years of hostility
I fought
But in your contagious serenity
I feel myself softening

I shouldn’t be here
I am reminded all the time
Constant memories
of it is all my fault
Is it all my fault?
All the gates are closed
But I see your arms opening
And I feel at home

Your baked cheddar scented hands
and your newly thinned feet
Your trimmed hair strands
and your smile with teeth
I grew you inside,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

A crooked, watchful smile
and shoes on wrong feet
Singing along
and bruises on knees
I’ve known you the longest,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

If you need a hand
walking along an uneven surface
or help falling asleep,
you’ll always know that I’m there
caring so deeply
I grew you inside,
always your mommy I’ll be
If only I could keep you young

Clasps undone at the quarry
like the road you lived on
I sometimes dream of you there
on the opposite side of the street
when I need to see him
Growing older
Still not getting any wiser
I never thought you could be gone forever
yet still here punishing me
I love you
And I hope you’re still well