Chloe

Chloe 6d

I saw the one I want
but half was missing
I remember the sleeping bag
in the back seat
for when we were
more than kissing
The hopeful hammer
and the threat of poison
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I was frozen

******* in a tent
like the zipper was broken
Hand over my mouth
so it couldn’t open
A field full of muscle
I couldn’t confide in
driving souped up fortunes
I was afraid to ride in
Just give him what he wants
next time and he won’t hurt you
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I didn’t have what I needed
to complete
my competing thoughts

Two names I love
in separate headlines
I knew then
I couldn’t leave
without breaking something
I knew what I wanted
but she was missing
and they were both gone
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I couldn’t hear
a single thought

A decades long
drive-by memory
frozen in time
Now I can feel it all

#trauma #memories #sad

Chloe Mar 5

Little Duck (pt. 2)

I can’t take care of myself
Need you to be someone else
It would all be so much better
if I hadn’t learned from you

Take care of yourself
You don’t need anyone
like you used to
But now, you’re being used

I know you’re having fun
Always felt so much better
when I was drunk
If only one of us could ******* feel something

I didn’t turn out how you want
Could never be your little duck
Forced to role play as the adult for you
but could never grow up

I can’t take care of myself
Almost call you every day
I would be so much better off
if I hadn’t learned from you

#childhood #trauma #neglect #abandonment #resentment #memories #sad #poem

Chloe Feb 8

ideation

Let’s keep it quiet
It’s not for everyone
That’s how I like it
Everyone else be ******
It’s like a puzzle
Only I have all the pieces
If all are equal
I’ll be undecided

If it gets any louder
And I can’t shut it off
I have all these moments
that I can’t live in
I’m suicidal
It always hurts so bad
But my hands are tied
I have to stay

#depression #anxiety #poetry #sad #poem

Chloe Feb 8

power

Tuck me in under it,
I need security
But you can’t,
you can’t even get that close
to me
It was just a suggestion
I hear you, but it doesn’t feel so good
Well intentioned
If only you could carry it out
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?

If you could only hear
everything in my mind
You could never see me
You hear most of it,
and that’s fine
It’s just suggestion
Maybe it doesn’t sound so good,
but it’s well intentioned
I’ve heard you say it
I need security
You’re so safe
And don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?

Nothing to hide behind
I’ve given it all up
Somehow I speak my mind
You’re so close to me,
so secure,
and it feels good
Knowing what I need
and what I can never have
and that they’re the same ——
Please save me
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy,
mommy,
mommy,
mommy

#family #love #abandonment #child #trauma #attachment

Jan 19

Nemusa

maNic epiSode bAd deCisions

boundless trust erupts,
naïve like a child’s bright gaze—
chaos whispers loud.

choices carved in haste,
fragile bridges left to burn—
echoes haunt the heart.

Although mania brings with it joy energy and hope it also comes with haste bad decisions. I tend to be too naive and unpredictable.

#manic #depressive #mentalhealth

Chloe Jan 19

alone with me

It’s no secret, my want
for someone to take care of me
without their back to the wall
of a sunk cost fallacy
Don’t let me be a burden -
if you don’t want to, then quit
I miss the way you loved me
when you were mostly lying

Be alone with me again,
like when we were friends
and the benefits were worth it -
naked but not always *******
You’re never a burden
My identity is erased
It’s hard to love you or anyone
when I have nothing for myself

Hopefully this is the last one and I’ll see everyone in a few months, I’m exhausted. Happy New Year.

#postpartum #depression #*** #trauma #recovery #support #family #love #marriage