Chloe

Chloe 6d

Draft

Abrupt decline
No pilot driving
Chutes opening
An empty vessel
But your hands are steady
And I feel myself landing

Hardened by times
of neglect,
assault
Years of hostility
I fought
But in your contagious serenity
I feel myself softening

I shouldn’t be here
I am reminded all the time
Constant memories
of it is all my fault
Is it all my fault?
All the gates are closed
But I see your arms opening
And I feel at home

#trauma #home #inner #child #healing

Chloe Apr 17

keep you

Your baked cheddar scented hands
and your newly thinned feet
Your trimmed hair strands
and your smile with teeth
I grew you inside,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

A crooked, watchful smile
and shoes on wrong feet
Singing along
and bruises on knees
I’ve known you the longest,
always my baby you’ll be,
if I can keep you young

If you need a hand
walking along an uneven surface
or help falling asleep,
you’ll always know that I’m there
caring so deeply
I grew you inside,
always your mommy I’ll be
If only I could keep you young

#mother #son #toddler #growing #up #love #baby #mommy #youth #family

Chloe Apr 12

Quarry

Clasps undone at the quarry
like the road you lived on
I sometimes dream of you there
on the opposite side of the street
when I need to see him
Growing older
Still not getting any wiser
I never thought you could be gone forever
yet still here punishing me
I love you
And I hope you’re still well

Chloe Apr 1

in the back seat

I saw the one I want
but half was missing
I remember the sleeping bag
in the back seat
for when we were
more than kissing
The hopeful hammer
and the threat of poison
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I was frozen

******* in a tent
like the zipper was broken
Hand over my mouth
so it couldn’t open
A field full of muscle
I couldn’t confide in
driving souped up fortunes
I was afraid to ride in
Just give him what he wants
next time and he won’t hurt you
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I didn’t have what I needed
to complete
my competing thoughts

Two names I love
in separate headlines
I knew then
I couldn’t leave
without breaking something
I knew what I wanted
but she was missing
and they were both gone
I couldn’t feel it
at the time
I couldn’t hear
a single thought

A decades long
drive-by memory
frozen in time
Now I can feel it all

#trauma #memories #sad

Chloe Mar 5

Little Duck (pt. 2)

I can’t take care of myself
Need you to be someone else
It would all be so much better
if I hadn’t learned from you

Take care of yourself
You don’t need anyone
like you used to
But now, you’re being used

I know you’re having fun
Always felt so much better
when I was drunk
If only one of us could ******* feel something

I didn’t turn out how you want
Could never be your little duck
Forced to role play as the adult for you
but could never grow up

I can’t take care of myself
Almost call you every day
I would be so much better off
if I hadn’t learned from you

#childhood #trauma #neglect #abandonment #resentment #memories #sad #poem

Chloe Feb 8

ideation

Let’s keep it quiet
It’s not for everyone
That’s how I like it
Everyone else be ******
It’s like a puzzle
Only I have all the pieces
If all are equal
I’ll be undecided

If it gets any louder
And I can’t shut it off
I have all these moments
that I can’t live in
I’m suicidal
It always hurts so bad
But my hands are tied
I have to stay

#depression #anxiety #poetry #sad #poem

Chloe Feb 8

power

Tuck me in under it,
I need security
But you can’t,
you can’t even get that close
to me
It was just a suggestion
I hear you, but it doesn’t feel so good
Well intentioned
If only you could carry it out
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?

If you could only hear
everything in my mind
You could never see me
You hear most of it,
and that’s fine
It’s just suggestion
Maybe it doesn’t sound so good,
but it’s well intentioned
I’ve heard you say it
I need security
You’re so safe
And don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?

Nothing to hide behind
I’ve given it all up
Somehow I speak my mind
You’re so close to me,
so secure,
and it feels good
Knowing what I need
and what I can never have
and that they’re the same ——
Please save me
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy
Don’t you love me?
Do you love me?
Mommy, mommy,
mommy,
mommy,
mommy

#family #love #abandonment #child #trauma #attachment