Call me a ******
Label me crazy
At this point who really cares
I could be perfect
Yet still not enough
You want to fix me
You call me insecure
Tell me I need to seek help
Toss all the blame at me
Did you ever think
Just maybe all I want
All I need...
Is to tell you it's your fault?

We're all victims to our mind
We feel what we let ourselves feel
Our unconscious thoughts drive our activities
Drive our sanity level off the bridge
We are prisoners of ourselves
Free whenever we discover this
Brains wrapped in orange,
Jumpsuits of oblivion
Looking to reflections to define ourselves
Describing not what we are
But who we aspire to one day be

Our hearts play a song
Beat something we cannot understand
Stop beating when we neglect them
Our minds electrify life with the ability
To learn, to change, to grow, to be
Our bodies are a catalyst to these
Moving to the beats of our hearts
Dancing to the electric fire of our minds

Our consciousness looks to the flaws
Looks to improve, and be happy
When if we really pause
To look within at the glory
Of all we have,
The grief doesn't seem like
The hell we make it

Have you ever had something feel so good
That it hurts?
Have you ever welded the words
Ran that mile
Did that one thing that made it all okay
Even for a minute
You felt whole again
Like someone gave you back your
Pretty flower, your dandelion of serenity
Like sitting on the porch
With your tea and your sundress
Blissfully, almost illegally happy
These are the moments I live for
The moments I would die for
Sometimes life is a black rose
Other times it's a daisy
I personally prefer orchids anyway

My heart is trapped
Tapped by your venom
Cut with your idioms of imitation love
You were never capable of anything
Other than plunging your dagger deep within
Severing my veins of love, compassion, and self-worth
My spirit cried for you,
My heart sang for you,
Your eyes burned an inferno of kerosine
Calling mine beautiful
I was your magical creature
And you were my devil
You were an artist, carving
An intricate design of yourself on me
Cauterizing yourself within who I am
Just let me freeze
One day of being who I want without you
Never again do I want to see your face
Spelling your name in poems
Wishing you would disappear
I wish you nothing but...


My personal hell

I'm exhausted with all the judgement
Burned with salt in my eyes
I never did anything wrong
Yet for some reason
I'm never enough
Not just for you for anyone
I'm tired of looking to myself
To figure out why you
Are so arrogant and condescending
Like my picture, follow me?
That would mean I did
Even one thing right
When you only act as if I'm wrong
Why do we judge each other?
Why is their creative expression
So far superior to everyone else's?
Why is it that we look to impress?
We turn to drugs, to numb the taste
Of inadequacy and distress
Why do I care if you care?
Why am I human?
Why is this my soul?
And why is this,
Who I am
So **** wrong to everyone

Someone please give me a way
A magic solution
To make this searing pain go away
I know I rhyme
But isn't that manipulation
Just of words and time
I want to find a way
To twist and burn
Phrases and sounds but
Even with all the seconds
Hours, days, months
Only my heart can emote
My face can try
My tears can fall
I can't write
I can't feel anything
Other than what you wanted
I was more than enough
I only wish I saw through your bluff
Better than me you say?
"I'm with her so I can have you"
"I promise some day I'll love you too"
"You make me feel things"
But...
You're not old enough
Pretty enough
Small enough
I was adequate all along
It was your soul that needed fixed
Not mine
I hope she's nothing you wanted
Because she will never be me
I hope you burn in hell
Maybe then you'll understand
You can't ruin people
And still look in a mirror
Without the cracks of you
Of who you really are
Seeping through

Sweet dreams are only
nightmares pretending
life is okay

Just another shot of Whiskey
Happiness in a bottle they say
Or do I say?
When do the lines of happiness
And the cracks of depression
Blend together
When do you look in the mirror
And see who you have been lately
You see who you pretend to be
But on the inside you're in agony
But you're also silent, colorless, blind
Fumbling through life feigning
Who you once were
Who you take a shot and pray to
Any spirit who will listen
To be once again

I want to sing you songs
and make your ears bleed with the beauty
I want to hug you
and stab you in the back like you stabbed me
I want you to think I'm amazing
I want you to hate yourself
I want to accept your nonexistent apology
I want to cry blood from the cuts in my heart and soul
You mean it in how you treat me right?
You actually hate me
I want you to hate her
Why don't you love me...
Why do I love you?
Why are you good enough for my feelings?
My heart drops when I hear your name
Is that fear or longing?
Is this how I'm supposed to feel?
When did confusion become my disease
I am happy
*I am dying on the inside

At least if I can't sleep
and I'm eating myself alive
slowly from the inside out
...............................
I taste like a cookie
and hopefully *****

You are like a disease
Growing on my heart
Leaving shards of mirror
Reflecting my face in
Shattered despair
All I want is a cure
Some way to endure
I don't want to compare myself
To the mistakes you chose over me
I don't want to hate the broken human
With a haunting resemblance
Of who I used to be
I want to move on
But I can't quite figure out how
Because when a part
.....of you...
....still loves....
Who do you turn to
Who becomes the medicine
When your cure
Has become your disease

I lie in bed at night
Hoping, praying, begging for sleep
To dream
To ease the nightmare of life
To bind the wounds tight
And forge the scars
Deep, meaningful, reminding
Times of relentless pain
A shadowed past
Overcome to feel the sting
Of a blackness that tickles my skin
Iss a warm welcome to my own mind
My own hell burning in tears
Falling down my cheeks
Tapping the floor
Such a sick harmonious beat
Only to be smothered by my footsteps
Harping in rhythm,
The rhyme of the next day
Of defeat

Staring at the soft glow
Suffering through fight after fight
I say I'm okay
But in the end
Today is just another day
When I look at your face
It makes me want to wither away
But for today, Christmas
I swore a tear I never would shed