No longer am I scared all the time,
My heart has stopped racing when I'm the only girl,
My hands don't begin to shake,
When some one looks like you,
You no longer have my mind,

I can finally love the good man without being tormented by the bad,
When he makes love to me
Your long, dark shadow is finally gone
And I am free.

It took so long to clean you out of my brain.
To clean out all the fear, the hurt, the pain
But I did it, slowly, Year by year.
I shined a light on my fear.

It's been almost 10 years Now,
And Every So often,
My nightmares ,
They hold you still.

And I may never find all the crevices you hide in,
All the love that you replaced,
I'll never be the same,
But you no longer have my mind,
And you no longer have my brain.

I don't remember being well anymore,
I don't remember what a peaceful day feels like,
I don't remember when the physical pain wasn't here
If I hadn't already been crazy the pain would have driven me there...
Dropped me off, threw my stuff out, left like a bat out of hell and never looked back.
But I was already on my way when the pain started.
It just made the walk harder.


There is a lot i don't remember actually .
Childhood stuff I should.
It hurts my moms feelings, so I play along about 'that one time' and all my great memories.
She usually knows I'm lieing ,
She pretends not to notice
And I smile and nod, pretending to remember.

It is a Symptom of the diseases,
The forgetfulness, the blankness.
Part brain fog, slow synapse, brain changes from great stress and brain inflammation,
But also part Defense mechanism.
There are whole years gone...blocked out

I don't remember being well anymore,
I can't remember the name for simple words most of the time,
And I don't remember peace but I still pray for it.

I never thought the human heart was a beautiful thing until my youngest son did.
It has always seemed clumsy, relatively simple,and a somewhat gross *****.
Muscle-ligament-electricity
I have always been bewitched by the brain and its nerves.
it's mystery, complexity and resilience.
He loves blood the way I love nerves,
he begs me to re read the heart and blood pages in his children anatomy books.
He knew all kinds of facts about blood and the heart at 2.
He never drew the traditional valentine days hearts he draws, to the best of his ability, anatomically correct hearts.
He loves it's rhythm ,
he loves it's simplicity,
and he finds it above all else, beautiful.
he loves it for its tangible nature,
the way it is reliably one way and one way only.

The jellyfish.

700 million years and it seems everything has changed, but them.

They are the oldest multi-***** animal on the planet and if there were an animal up for God’s first friend I would say it’s definitely the jellyfish.

I'd like to think God needed friends, and I'd like to think she explored this world as it grew beyond her grasp and perhaps as she swam these oceans she found solace in the steadfastness of her old friend. Always there, always the same.

I can't help but feel some kinship myself. Somewhere among the primordial ooze a part of me, knew an ancient, small part of them. Then, later, sometime before my evolutionary ancestors ever went on land, we swam together. We shared the oceans of an earth that most of us wouldn't recognize now. Forward still, as time tends to move, my ancestors went on land and theirs stayed in the rolling seas. Watching the world change around them.

If there is a God, I'd like to think she still visits the jellyfish on occasion. That aquariums are her favorite place beside the ocean itself.