you said it was just a misunderstanding
but it wasn't
how could you say that
i understand perfectly what happened
why can't you

it was not a misunderstanding
i said no
i said stop
i cried
i yelled
i trembled
and i was in both physical and mental pain

but he didnt listen
he was forceful
and aggressive
and i couldnt wrap my head around what just happened
until several hours later

you found out the next day
and decided to come up with your own conclusions
but you won't listen to what actually happened

you ignore
and pretend its nothing
that it was a misunderstanding
and that i am okay

well i am not okay
it was not nothing
and its okay to not be okay
and its okay to have something going on in your life

but you weren't there for me
even though you tell everyone you were
she wouldn't be proud
and you know exactly who I'm talking about

she's looking over not just me
but you as well
and she's devastated

as well as i am

because it was not a misunderstanding
it was assault
it was ****
it was wrong

You call me strong
But babe,
I'm far from it.

I cried all the time
And now I don't let anyone in.

I always ******* up
And now I wish I was smarter.

I have gone through a lot
And it made me a damsel.

I was hit
And now I'm scared of quick movements.

I was screamed at
And now I hate loud sounds.

I was shut down
And now I have no confidence.

I was sent away
And now I can't get comfortable.

I was suicidal
And now I'm damaged.

I was anorexic
And now I'll never be healthy.

I was lied to
And now I can't trust.

I was always the target
And now I'll never be strong enough.

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through

you don't know what its like
to wake up as a kid and not have a mom

you don't know what its like
to be sent away for a year from your own father

you don't know what its like
to want to **** yourself and have no one there to stop you

you don't know what its like
to go days without eating and still think you're overweight

you don't know what its like
to be so anxious that you can't leave your bed

you don't know what its like
to be left with bruises from your father

you don't know what its like
to be told you're worthless by family

you don't know what its like
to be screamed at for something you didn't even do

you don't know what its like
to fear going home after class

you dont know what its like
to be bullied your whole senior year of high school

you don't know what its like
to be ***** right before your graduation

you don't know what its like
to move away from home and be by yourself

you don't know what its like
not being able to afford your own medications

you don't know what its like
to have to drop out of school because your body is shutting down

you don't know what its like
to scream for help and no one even glance over

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through

you don't know that i write poems
i never told you
its been five months
and you don't know anything about me really
you don't know that I've been in love
you don't know my troubles
or how i conquered them
you don't know what saved me
you don't know what i value
or my favourite food
or that my favourite colour is pastel green
you don't even know my middle name
or the reason why its my middle name
you don't know my siblings names
or how my mom died
you don't know my best friends
or what i want to be
you don't my deepest thoughts
or what i love to do on my own
you don't know about me
or my health
or how all i really want is a family
and how i want to name my daughter melody
or why
you don't know that i took skating lessons
and swimming lessons
and soccer
and drums
and dance
or how i used to play the recorder and i hated every second of it
you don't know that i used to write stories as a kid
or how i used to paint my troubles away
you don't know my passions
my wants
my needs
my feelings and thoughts
you don't know what music i listen to
or the way i like my coffee
you don't know the little things that make me
me
you don't know me
and its been five months
that we've been together
if you don't know those things by now
then you won't ever get to know everything about me
because you don't care enough to ask
or pay attention to detail
and i can't be with someone
who doesn't want to be with someone they know
im not sorry though
nor do i feel bad
i just feel like a lot of time has been wasted
and i owe it to myself to make the most out of life
because life really is too short to spend it on someone who won't be there in the end

i don't understand
how you can go on
like nothing happened
i want to know
is it killing you inside?
because it killed me
you killed me
my spirit is gone
and you took it
why?
why'd you do it?
im shattered
and you walked it off
like you are innocent
but we both know
you're not
and now I'm dead
my body is functioning
but my mind
is long gone
like my spirit
i screamed
but you held my mouth shut
i cried
and tried to wipe away
the tears
but i wonder
do you not see me
as a person
or someone with a family
why'd you do it?
why'd you **** me?
what are you thinking?
does it **** you?
does it circulate your brain
over and over
and over?
is it all you think about?
does it make you cry
at all times of the day
does it make you proud
are you tough now?
are you macho?
tell me
why you thought
you could hold me down
and pry my legs open
while still covering
my mouth
so that no one could hear
i want to know
why?

so im sitting here on my bedroom floor
wondering what you're doing
and what you're thinking.
because i cant get you out of my mind.
i cant get what happened out of my mind.
you changed my life.
my whole world was flipped upside down.
everyday is a struggle.
I’m constantly scared.
i cant think. i cant walk.
i can't be happy.
its hard to move forward.
but what are you doing?
what are you thinking?
did this affect you in any way at all?
are you able to get through each day as if nothing happened?
did you tell anyone what happened?
how do you live with yourself?
i want to know if you can ever touch someone you love
knowing what you did to me.
i know you did it to someone else right after me.
how could you?
did you do it to someone else before me too?
what is your motive?
why are you doing this to innocent women?
what is your problem?
my problem is you but what is yours?

i don’t want to speak too soon
but i just keep thinking to myself if its possible
this is something new
something I’ve never felt before
i can’t think about anything else
just this
this possibility
this chance
this amazing new discovery
i don’t want to tell people
in case its not true
but i have a feeling
a really strong one
but an undetermined one
i want this to be amazing
and new
and fresh
and oh my god please be possible
because all my life
I’ve been waiting
for this exact moment
this exact memory
this exact story
and life changing event
so please oh please
be possible
because i don’t know what ill do if its not
so ill sit here
and wait
until the possibility becomes fact
until my impatience becomes now
until me becomes we
because i think it finally happened
but I’m way too scared to tell
and if you are who i think you are
then wow I’m so unprepared