Can I be your tombstone?
Please let me announce to the world
How wonderful you were
Tell everyone about you,

And to stay by your side always.

I don’t hate you
I should. I don’t.
there are words and sentences even I am afraid to utter
in the comfort of my own body in a pitch black room.

all eyes are on me
I’m not doing it fast enough
I’m not over you well enough
I can’t get enough
of your mid-morning embrace and the way it felt
when your eyes were only on me.

when I found out you ****** her, you were in the back of a police car
and I was more scared for your safety than the wholeness of my heart.
correction * when I found out you ****** my best friend,
my entire world went black

you have never said I’m sorry or I love you
without it sounding like a ******* curse and I can’t explain
what it means to know I have wasted these months
getting wasted for you to ******* like me

I was happy and carefree and high
off of sugary coffee and the fluorescent thought of you and I
that imprinted itself into the back of my skull.
you were all I thought about
pleasing you was not an option, but a command.

we had our ending, a late night on the same mattress
stained with memories and the girl I left here when you kissed me
the first time. I am not happy and you do not make me happy.
you make me hurt – I look at you and feel pain.

I don’t hate you. I wish I could. I don’t.
you have given me reason upon reason to hate every inch of your skin
but I’m loosening the strings that tug on my heart to let this go.
I’m letting go of the stranger I met, who corrupted me into thinking
I could put you before myself.

I am tired of being sad that I am not what you want
I have accepted I am not what you ever wanted.
I’m going to take that as a blessing, although it is heavily disguised.

(I wrote this about two weeks ago. Update: I ******* hate you, Ryan. I will never forget what you did and who you hurt.)

you were everything
and i hate that you still are
even after you have her
and me lined up for when she
gets tired of you
or the other way around
and what do i have?
well i have an empty chest
and a couple pills
i've got the hope that i'm holding on to
(for whatever reason)
that you might
come back
i've got self doubt
and chewed down nails
bleeding knuckles
and a hazey mind
wow, it must seem like i have a lot
but i don't have everything
because everything doesn't
want me

I tell him to go deep.
Deep into my soul

I tell him to go harder.
To break down my walls

I tell him to go faster.
I needed our ******

All that's said and done.
I lay here legs shaking & out of breath.
Exhausted
Now I'm alone.
He did all that work.
Built me up.
*Just to leave me to pick up my pieces

It hurts like a burn
Makes my stomach churn
I want to put a gun to my chest
Suicide? No one would have guessed
My heart is always pounding
The pain, it's astounding
Why can't I just take those pills?
Thoughts like these give me chills
I hope the end is coming
I could use the numbing

I close my eyes in wait.

I’m waiting.
Waiting

Waiting for the hurt to give way to understanding
Waiting for dismay to give way to hope
Waiting for light to penetrate the dark
Waiting for gloom to pave way for glee

I’m still waiting.

I’m trying.
Trying not to feel. Not to think.
Trying to numb the pain that numbs my senses.
Trying to keep going. Believing. Loving.
Trying to overcome the contradictions that challenge everything I put my trust in.

Yes, I’m trying.

And then you come along.
Stare me in the eye, assuring.
You calm me, soothe, promise of a better land.
I believe you.

I feel no need to try anymore.
There’s no more waiting.

Who said death isn’t beautiful?

I'm tired but I can't sleep
I'm hungry but I can't eat
But you
You keep coming back for me
Or is it just what I think
Nothing more than a blink
And you're gone.
Is this the disease?
Or the attention I need?
They say a chemical imbalance
I plead
It's not that but more
But Words cannot explore
The lack
Of what
I'm feeling.