I remember the first day,  I walked into class,
At seven years old saying "This will be a blast!"

The classroom was full, the bell did ring
Lessons being taught, so it begins

Recess starts, the teams are split
Standing alone, the last one picked

Slowly it starts, as laughter and fun
but deep inside, I am seeing no sun

The nicknames had started, not laughing inside
but what did I do, starting to cry

Never belonging or being accepted
being myself, I felt dissected

From 2nd to 3rd and up into 8th grade
the bullies got worse, fearing into fade

Freshman to Senior, I thought I was stronger
Hitting my point, it started to boil over

It was one little word that threw me over the edge
Couldn't take it no more, all that was said

I stood up to the bully, on that great day,
all was released, feeling no shame

But it doesn't stop there, the torment goes on
At night, I dont sleep, I just sing a song

That song never ends, forever on that round
it never skips a beat, listen to the sound

Decades goes on, never forgetting the names
What has happened to me? Am I going insane?

These are the first names that tortured my young soul
Always in my mind, but never letting go

So Danny, Robert, Terry and Andy
You are not very special or very well dandy!

Oh Michael and Chuck and Bill, I remember
stand up to call, hell is your number

Chris, Steven, and even Brad
Life's but a mystery,  so why are you so sad

I tried to forgive you deep in my heart
Why did you bully me? TEARING MY WORLD APART!!

The sea calls out her name,
soft whispers hidden in the sound of the waves that gently break against the shore,
holding out my hand I touch the empty air,
it reaches back yet I feel nothing but the cold,
salt filled mist that swirls through my soul.


© H V Swan

I'm beginning to suffocate
The world is spinning beneath my feet
I don't understand anymore
I'm losing control

The panic sets in
I choke on air
My body trembles
I'm dying
Simply because I'm living

I'm crumbling
I've cut deep into my foundations
The cracks have spread too far
There must be something wrong
This can't all be in my head

There needs to be more
A reason why I'm like this
Someone is behind the voices
Screaming in my mind
Telling me to break and destroy
Myself

The walls are closing in
My fist and teeth clench
So hard they break
Just like my spirit has.

"Hello, remember me?"
Her anxiety says to her every single day.

"Hello, remember me?"
There it is again. It is an unwanted guest that always seems to come up at the worst times.

Anxiety.
It is like a bug.
An infestation deep inside her, with no way out and it controls her each an every day.

It controls her..
every thought she think..
every word she says..

But more importantly,
it controls every thought she DOESN'T think
and every word she DOESN'T say.

It keeps her from things, not even giving her the option to choose for herself.

For her,
As it always should have been.
For her,
As it always should be,
For her,
When her hearts full of grief,
And she’s crying cuz of me.

After the silence settles,
Like dust.
We hardly feel dumb struck.
Sideways glances to say with my eyes:
For her.

And her long hair,
And her loud laugh,
And the long walks,
And the loud laughs,
Will never be mine again.

--For her--