Lately,
I have been looking for an escape
I've already came this far
but not so far where its too late
to turn back or switch lanes

I'm not sure whether I should signal
or push brake
If I change my mind would I be forsaking my faith?
Why do I want to run away ?

It was my initial choice
This road I chose
With everyone standing on the sidewalks
smiling at me , cheering me on
I'm starting to feel like I'm in a corner
and I don't want to be here anymore

I'm tired of hearing
"you're going to be a great doctor"
"keep pushing you'll soon get there doc"
"great you've made it into medical school"
The word doctor weighs down on me
Smothering me and I cant tell whether its what I want anymore
I wish someone could help me
I keep praying but there's this static thats not going away

Is it because people are starting to believe in me
Even when society pleaded with me to abandon my dream
never wanting me to rise beyond this world's hierarchy
My state is like a gas
as I'm being pressured
they're placing a lid on my dreams and I'm ready to explode

Sometimes I feel like dreams are only bought by the rich  
and traded for reality
They have a monopoly on what is real
The poor have their dreams stolen by poverty
they settle in nests in trees instead of on mountain tops
Few, fly above the veil thrown by society
and make it known that they too are in the market
they create their stocks
cast their bets
and when the time is right
make a trade
Few, very few.

I fell in love with you too easily.
Too easily, I hoped and prayed
and placed too much faith in something I knew,
in the back of my mind, was not there.
I placed you on a pedestal
so high and above the clouds
it was unreachable, and I loved you
from the ground on which I stood
to the stars that hung above your head.
You never looked down, you never noticed.
And I planted beanstalk upon beanstalk
to try and get to you, but they all withered and died.
I tried and tried, and still you never glanced at me.
But I loved you all the same.
I loved from a distance, the same way I loved before.
It was easy to love you, it was easy to try.
And it was easy to get hurt, and have my selfish hopes ruined.
It was also easy to stop caring,
To stop sitting at the base of the pedestal that I built.
Oh it was so easy to dismantle that pedestal.
Too easy.
It was hard, though,
seeing you on the same plane as I.
Seeing you for who you were and not what I wanted you to be.
It was hard to walk away, because I did love you,
I just didn't love you enough to stay and hope anymore.
So I did.
I walked away, and left you there,
bewildered at my antics, and still not seeing
the ruins of the pedestal, the dimming of the stars,
or the withered beanstalks that littered the ground around you.
I walked away.
But I left a piece of me with you,
and you still haven't noticed.

You were unwonted to me
And I held you in high regards
How I felt about you was indubitable
I wanted you to make me yours
And your eyes
They shined with summer
Your heart
It glared with winter
And you starved me of your attention
You denuded me and refused to clothe me in your warmth
You left me in this destitute condition
But still my magnanimous feelings clung to you
Although you always drew a partition
That interposed me and you
Making us impossible

You left me
  You dumped me
    You threw me away
      You said forever ends today

But i know it was my fault,
  i'm to blame for my soul assault.
You kissed me and then You killed me,
  but it was all because of me

i failed You as a boyfriend
  and a companion
    and a lover
and it forced You to have to hurt me when You didn't want to and break me and take away my present and my future and annihilate any hope for happiness and destroy the most joy i've ever known and how can i ever forgive me?

And now Yur with some other man
  Yur with another man
and i know it's better for You
  cuz he's better than me

but FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
i can't do this
and i know it's pathetically horribly shallow and hypocritical because i really really really want You to be happy but it kills me that it isn't US. and i can't understand how You said all those things to me (some on sweaty sheets or anywhere our clothes could come off, some after a few beers or wandering wineries, some nestling into a cuddle on the couch, some just on a random Wednesday evening) and then threw me away like forever was just a use or freeze by date You had accidentally left too long in the salad drawer. and i can't imagine being with someone else when all i think about all day and night is You! and i'm still so insanely in Love with You and i'm still so nervous & excited for every single interaction and seeing You still tingles me me & makes me Love the universe but the pain & depression is somehow worse every day and my stomach is always clenched in knots which mangle & won't untangle and some immense evil entity is always standing on my chest and crushing my still-screaming heart and the pain which is supposed to just be emotional is a physical palpable tangible pounding being who hates me and is extreme and unrelenting and i hate waking up and realizing that i can't see You or touch You or kiss You or share mundane daily activities which to me were miracles or plan another adventure

i don't know how to heal
  & not because the scars i have to peel,
but because the wounds won't cease their screaming
  & will always always always be bleeding

i just want to beg You to change Yur mind and take me back instead of him and plead with You to believe in me and make You explain why he's better than me and why how You stopped Loving & Wanting me and how i went from awesome to worthless so fast and i know it's so shallow of me not to be happy for Yur happy and thankful grateful worshiping the universe for the too short time You let me feel Yur Love but the only reason i don't describe myself as hollow is that i'm filled with Agony, screaming stabbing slicing shredding and never ending never ******* ending it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop

every other emotion & relationship
  was just a kid's crush.
SJH is the SHE who is the ONE

and i'm ****** up
  and freaked out
    and terrified to wake up

i hate waking up

Baby, I have a hurricane of hair
and a storm behind my eyes
and one hand on my hip,
ready to fight for my beliefs.
But I wouldn't mind
if you'd be my sunshine,
kiss the lids of my eyes,
I'll take my hand off my hip,
put your hands on my thighs,
I'll let the anger slip away, if just for today
so I can recite for you
my prettiest poetry
in between cinnamon kisses
and tell you stories that I heard
in the rustling of trees on a breeze
and maybe it's too much that I want
to know all of your everything,
but I'm imagining moonlit dancing
and lazy days spent listening to music
and walking through new cities, hand in hand.
We could have it all, baby,
let's just give it a chance.