As I trace the deep skies running up my real dreams, 
my sixth sense tells me that it can feel it with goosebumps,
signifying a supernatural change and changing the colors in my eyes to a dark dark indigo.      
          
I do not know if eyes are suppose to change colors like this  
              
It always happens 

Around this time each month

I met you in a white school building
You made my heart pound
We both had secret sides
The teachers didn't see, we smart  
I hugged you, you hugged me
We were bubbles and buttercup
But we never, never told anyone
Now, you're gone
I still have the stuff you gave me
I wish you were still alive
But you can't, you're mom told me  
I nearly died, you see
But when you stopped talking to me
I knew...you knew
Your mom, she said it was because of me
But how? You loved me?
I could have stomped your mom...it's my fault for letting her bully you
But I still remember everything we did
I wanted you, you secretly wanted me
Now we're both together in my memories and living our dream

Thinking 
As though
I have just dreamed
The depths of a great seem
But there's a strange black hole
That keeps trying to 
Keep me 
Inside 
It

Each splash of Pink
leaves my nails so shiny, pretty and polished
Paint lands on my cuticles and compliments my feel
The strong scent of open nail polish  bottles in my room make me feel a little lightheaded
My nails appear so reflective and smooth from this
angle  
I use different colors for different reasons
pink for perfect
I'm in love with Pink, its just such an amazing color
Like that color that says, "Let's go shopping."        
Painted pink cuticles are so hot
I almost forgot that I'm a
tomboy~

You said you don't need love anymore
But hey, I need you
When you said that, I fell down on the ground in pain
It was killing me to hear that  
The tears wouldn't leave my eyes  
Even after a year, then a year after that  
I lied and kept it all inside
Then I took a shower that night
Skipping lunch for two days
I answered questions just with "okay"s or "yeah"s
So much blood was shed
Leaving my thighs dark red
I said I was happy without you
I wish that was the reason why

Everything is drama sometimes
I can't worry about it
I am done listening
I am done pretending to love someone I don't

My life no longer revolves around jerks
I don't need your friendship anymore
I seriously don't care
I won't let you bring me down any lower

Buried in these eyes are tears
Nobody sees
Nobody needs to know

I didn't actually need your kisses or hugs
I managed
My life was too dependent on sharing and bonding
I'd rather walk away and find new friends than try to fix you

I would cross the living room and my tummy would grumble
I would imagine I did all the things I never did                                
I would shatter every chip in my mouth
I would brush my teeth afterwords, tooth by tooth
I would climb on top of a chair and feel like queen of the world
I would do anything to be right next to the refrigerator staring at food  
Just for food ...

A year ago
We held hands
All along
You despised
Everything
I did for you  
And everything    
I didn't do  
Now we're trying to talk
To be in love with someone
We're not
Trying to talk again
To make things work

We both say
We've tried                            
But I don't think
We tried at all

Your tears down my cheek
Your heart in my chest
Your eyes for a dream like mine
You're not lying for me
I want to exchange bodies with you
'Cause you know you want to be me

Small hands that hold
The gold crayon tightly
Creating silver lined hearts   
She'd never been able
To put it into words

It’s just that I always thought I would find the one who loves me. 
And I did.
But still I feel myself getting use to living with that blonde hair girl in the mirror.

Lotion rubbed over my hands
As you move them around my body
To soften each area of my skin
Lotion all spread
As I feel my soft hairless thighs
And lose my ability to keep my eyes awake
Lotion on my nose and around my eyes and under my ears
As I slowly move my hands towards you
I don't remember why I ever stopped posting on deviant art

Dark wedding vows
says my dying love.
If you were to live again,
beside you I would stand.
As you'd take your first  
step, your first death has gone.
I'll shadow your heart with mine
eclipsing the moon in my light.

Know I nothing of this poem
But oh, still I love writing the name

Waking up at 1:30 in the afternoon
I'm really not awake yet...

And no one saw her cutting
They saw echoing mercury bubbles of each other
Within the blue colored shadows that she was created from

In the mirrors
We're seen as women
But mirrors don't tell lies

Mistakes are like scars that
Will never heal
Tears I hide  
Are wetting my eyelids
They stay longer than centuries
And never seem to go away

The way she wags her little tail
and her fur is always needing attention
The way she stares at me
and her eyes so full of life  
The way she loves kisses
The way she barks to get my attention
Her eyes are dark, dark choco
I'd hurt really bad if she ever left without me

There's been many things I've written
That I'm not exactly sure of
Texts that I've sent
That I was in doubt of
Things I've said 
Just because
Ways I've felt about what you said, repeating itself over and over,    
That just right
~

Now I know why these words were written to me  
To read...without these feelings, I'm just a chalked out line
Wanting to write a new poem ever five seconds and 
Repeating myself in the same theme over and over again.

My heart was never really too broken
until I turned 13  
I went from being sad to scared all the time
like a lost bunny left out in the cold
I found myself dreaming less
and if I did dream I had nothing but fear  
during the morning I'd hurt bad
and it got worse every second
but I kept quiet about it because talking doesn't help
Sometimes my heart hurt so bad
that I lost control of my tears
I lay on the floor and try to get up
while fighting the urge to die
Some days are not bad
some days are borderline suicide
then there are days where I scream into my pillow so loud and hard
I start to cry uncontrollably then get very very down
It feels like a super volcano is constantly erupting inside my chest
not allowing me to breathe anything but fire and pain
the room gets very hot and I feel so numb
that I start cutting words into my skin "**** me please!"
Sometimes just holding the knife helps when I'm having an insane panic attack
so does running 'til it hurts
my heart feels better when I'm next to you
I'm not really sure why I can't have you
it causes so much pain for me
I'm at my breaking point every day
to think positive is impossible
I have no other option but to cut
let the scars heal and try to cry less
anxiety is a battle that's harder to **** than death
but I think nobody cares because this is how you left me.

Does this picture make me look like an idiot?  
Does this foundation cover enough of my face?
Do these sunglasses hide the flaws behind my eyes?
Do these jeans reveal too much of my slutty body?

Blood gathering on my pad
Like the times with you I'll never get back
Feeling my ****** cramp some
But I guess it's not over yet

I thought pichu would kiss me
Jumping up into my hands
            
I guess I held too hard
Watching you fall asleep in my arms

Tilt the pinball machine
Letting the ***** 
Drop into the holes
Lick the button
Off the sides
Like the salt of a 'tato  
Use the mini mirror to check your make up
Like a funhouse
Rainbow stops the dark
Take a extra bite
Of the silver sun
Get my Vitaminsss  
Scratch into the glass
Use your polished nails as mini knives
For the Wizard's mind games.

You cannot convince me
That these polka dot dresses
Are cute
Because they only come in one color
Dots        
And more dots
So explain
How can you tell this truth to someone  
Who hates wearing these dresses?
You don't...

Terminator is such a great
movie. He killed
So many humans!
And even promised them that he'd
return

You're not even standing by the tombs of ancient Egypt
and yet
I've made a greater pyramid for the new Atlantis

The knowledge of my sense of what's real
Grew too truthful, too quickly
Now it's changing and
I'm no longer the dream I once was

I think I'm right
For, I have told the truth
From many years ago
I keep these old maps
Because I want to 
Remember the things
I forget so
Easily
Maybe I'm right

Crunchy crunch crunch; mirrors and sinks
Olive garden breadsticks  
Dried crouton thingies  
Enriched yum yum
Whole-y yum yums
O
Om
Omgeeeeee

Peeling mascara off with the tips of my fingernails
Trying to fit into a pair of jeans that's more breatheable
Making my lashes softer and more bendable
Wearing a darker brown instead of  casual black
While pulling them out
Soon I won't need to curl them or do anything
To them

You committed the honorable
To get Lizzy off your monkey's back
So I left you some tea
And you came back for a drink

                                                
(About a "butler" who faked the honorable)

Her heartstrings are breaking chords
Her tears are like pepper flakes
Her hands are just the right size, holding up the neck of her favorite art

Cut into my thighs
(Just losing weight)
Clean up the tub
(Just a little blood)
Throw away the evidence
(Suicide is a crime they can't punish)

Soft eyes and hands from my feet to my toes
And these sparks and hidden emotions
Leave my heart feeling super sensitive
Your fingers around my tear ducts
Your scratching the inside of my eyes
I think I might scream
Tissues and tears hidden in the corner of my heart
Between ******* these buttons and unzipping my jeans
Is the need to feel what comes between

Visiting this gravestone right here
But just murmuring a few words the ghosts around here might hear echoing through their spirit realm
Sitting curled up by a lonely flower
Blaring heavy metal songs
Since I cannot have my family back 
At least these ghost's let me stay awhile hovering over All That Remains

I tell myself it will be alright
As I sit on my bed
Clutching my hair at the seems
Shaking my fists uncontrollably 
Feeling the hole in my heart run out of my eyes
Knowing once the ice breaks
The dogs will stop barking and clawing at the fences   
That jealousy must Go
Prowling the earth like a tiger in the jungle
I understand what power feels like  
Except my hunger is making me weak

Dating an emo
is never a good thought:
boys dressed in black,
dark and unimpressed
for butterfly effect,
more emotional than some me
with a shattered heart,
that dream in quantums
and theoretical love physics
of hearts they'll break next.
Silence is a quiver,
suspense is an arrow of ice
but with only one shot,
the tension could break a ghost.

Always feel gross after I eat
Try to relax by the bubble jets at the ymc
Can't wash this song away no matter how long I sit
The sauna and all this exercise couldn't burn the calories today
Just want to cut this cake up and eat what I crave
I hate that I can't lose this weight

Crying over stupid things
Filling your mouth with chocolate everythings
Upset over the simplest things, you want to just scream  
These feelings come and go, or stay a few days
Everything has to be cleaned or organized just right or I'll go ****** girl
Wearing simple things and hiding in your room for days, sad or depressed
Being filled with water like a balloon, feeling sleepy and like you can't do anything
Opening your eyes to see it's today, it's no valentines day
Same feelings, same amys, different month
Pen or paper? Awkward or uncomfortable?

Nothing
Quark
Atom
Sun
Black Hole
Universe
EXPANSION!

A raven, so quiet, 
Sat on a branch outside
For a chance to be.  

The ice made her move,
Her heart beat fast
The other ravens had nothing to say.

The feather in her eyes
Dried out on the pages  
In which she'd silently write.
    
But deep in her dreams,
She knew it would not be..
And gave up on her hope.

Wearing short shorts
Out in the freezing rain
Hoping I'll lose
A pound
Or two
From these colors that I shined
So gray, so gray

Nibbling on my lip gloss plastic tube thingy
Liquids dripping from my mouth
Soft red lips  
Slightly open and drooling, drooling
Tasting the cherry
Flavored substance smack
Waiting to be over this
Feeling

Your chemical romance
Left my cherry lips, kissed my wrists
Leaving me thunderstruck

Life tricks you into thinking it's real

I don't say I love you so I can hear it come out of your mouth like a parrot. I say it so there will never be a reason why you should ever think it's not true.

The valley sweat of love's song
left me staring into the distance.
I felt I needed to show the shadows of harps
that grow around my secret
diary  
And I found fire that didn't burn me. 
How can you feel the chemicals reacting behind a word and thought 
And then say that they are just dreams? 
How does one read but feel nothing at all?