As you claim your power,
As you begin to love you,
As you free yourself from the burdens you so unconsciously placed upon your shoulders,

You'd be amazed the amount of those
Who so dearly "loved" you
Begin to shout
"Selfish!"

Oh and of course they will,
Because they know that definition well, don't they?

They know nothing of the word selfless
Because they have never
Been it.

Your hand
Reached through the ethers
Ever so slightly,
With a fingertip that
Brushed,
Ever so lightly,
against the skin of my soul.
Leaving your fingerprint on the surface.
And I've never been touched the same again.

I've told you I'm jumping out of my skin.
Bursting out this body
And hopefully
Shedding everything
That ever kept me
From being anything
Other than absolutely free.

You don't understand this restlessness.

I've waited.
I've waited and yearned and longed
In pain for so long and I just want
It to stop.

Make the wanting stop.
The call.
Cover my ears and close my eyes
But I don't hear it from anywhere
Other than from inside.

So how do I run?
How do I hide?

I'm really good at falling in love with potential.
So put on a good face and tell me
A half true story and I'm sure
By the end of the day
You've probably sold me.

You've got me hooked
Cuz I bite the bait.
Ripped from the water,
Now scared of my fate.

Gut me open,
Skin me alive,
Peel off each individual
Rainbow scale,
Do whatever it takes
To make you feel more like the alpha male.

They always say,

"There's plenty of fish in the sea."

Well now there's one less of me.

An old soul throwing a temper tantrum.
Yelling at the sky
Hoping God is listening
If that's where he lives
Or if he even exists.

Under the night sky,
Stomping on the ground,
Glaring at each individual star,
Hoping that they can feel
My hatred.

My black, hardened chest
Cracks and shifts,
Exposing the lava pool underneath
That's been slowly burning me from the inside out.

Passion bursting through every crevice now, no longer able to hold in the pain.
Boiling in my throat, bubbling up and over, choking on a volcanic mouth.

The agony that comes from how torturous it is to have both equal opponents in the
Battle between fear and love.
I don't want to know who wins anymore,
I've had enough.

All my life has ever been was war
And all I've done was hide alone
In my trench and fox hole.

I just want something bigger,
Something more,
Without so much fear convincing me
To become the quitter.

"God," I think,
"Could I achieve enough inner agony for you to help me make it stop?"
My knees hit the concrete,
Eyes on the stars,
My skin melting off my very bones,
I collapse an empty corpse.
Every last bit of my semblance
Slowly burning like charred paper edges,
To leave behind a skeleton
And hopefully free the mind.

I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere else
But I keep waking up to the same ceiling.
Tethered to a body.
Anchored here.
Inside a character that I no longer want to play out their story.

I want a new one.
New everything,
before my soul consumes itself,
plagued by restlessness.

Approaching the stand,
She shook with ultimate fear but
Also, excitement.

"There's not much time."
She heard them whisper urgently in the background.

Quickly she stepped forward
And glided her palm along the old leather cover with a gasp of awe and fear.

She tucked her fingertips
Between the gold lined pages and
Pulled it open.

Scanning and flipping through pages
She found her name but stops abruptly.
Closing her eyes and holding her breath, she slowly peaks open one eye.
Was she ready to know her heart's question?
She looked and tears dived over cheeks.

In cursive
There it was written next to hers.
"Hurry." They whispered again, snapping her out of the daze.
She quickly gathered herself and shut the book of fate.

Quickly escaping without all her answers, but at least she had the most important one.

Staring blankly,
My finger slowly traces the circle
Again and again.
Wet and smoothly gliding
Along the ****** edges
Of the gaping hole
That was my chest.

You couldn't force me in any direction
At this point.
Just like we couldn't force the ocean to crash against the shore the way we wanted.
Just like how we can't control the wind or the weather.

I am like the hottest sunny days
Or the wet rain and all the storms in between.

You always said you liked hurricanes.

Well I am so much more than that
And maybe it's about time I show you
Exactly how dangerous it is
When left unacknowledged.

Oh the push and pull
Of the warrior/victim mind.

Bravely I have fought.
How bravely will I die?

My heart says continue on,
But my mind is ready to lay it all down.

I, unarmored and unarmed,
Lay on my back towards the sky.
Hoping that surrender
Will help me close my eyes.

But there it is,
The pounding in my chest.
My heart with every beating
Whispers, "it isn't time for rest."

After all the pointed fingers...
After all the laughs...
After all the, "I told you so's..."

I realized that even though it hurt, even though they all got to say how wrong and naive I am, that maybe there was a purpose.

Maybe I was one of the ones who was meant to spread love, give love, feel love, speak love, and fully embrace love even if
The people I gave it to stepped on me, threw it away, betrayed and lied;

Because even if they say it didn't matter or that it didn't mean a thing,

I don't believe that.

I believe that I started ripples because no matter how hard I try
I can't fight my own heart.

I will love and love and love

Until the day

I can love no more.

Sometimes I think of our hearts
Being two cans connected by
The red string of fate
And that when I whisper into mine,
That across the distances
Of time and space,
You will hear me.

I loved you with the deepest pits of my loneliness.
We could have walked for days inside
The eroded holes in our very being.
Echoing out, calling each other's names.
We tried to just keep each other safe
In the same caves we thought kept us protected
But it just stirred up more despair
As we got lost in each other's darkness.

I'm starting to wonder if anyone will ever find me.

Or will I keep getting widdled away by each person I come across?

A notch away from being absolutely nothing at all..

Somehow, the pleas in my heart that begged for simple mercy
Reached flight through the universe
Like a paper airplane that flew directly into your heart
Across the Galaxy.
Bouncing off stars and whipping past meteors.

I could smile on the outside
Even though full well knowing that
Inside,
The tree of life was dying.
Leaves falling and decaying.

No one could water me.
No one could shine on me enough.

I kept dying anyway.
Thinking maybe, that I was just meant for this fate.

Yet, when I thought it was just about too late and I almost reached a point where I could've never been saved,
Then came the rain.

He came with thunder and lightening
But he still came with water too.
He poured life on the wasteland of what I had became.

So calm the pitter patter.

Sprouts have broke through and you can see the green again across the land begin and my tree is holding on, the heart that I could never nurture alone.

After his healing tears had soaked the soil, clouds began to part and he was also Sun. He was also warmth and fire and life giving in more ways than one.

The tree roots grew deep within the Earth finally strong enough to stand. Strong enough to give back and strong enough to have the branches reach out to him.

Leaves glistening now,
She reached.
Hoping to the unseen forces,
That if she could continue that she could show him how much he's changed.
If she grew, all encompassing,
Strong and unmoving,
That it'd be enough to show him the
Gratitude if only through her beauty.

Here's to waiting on your life giving rain.
My weather God.

She buried herself deep within the dirt. Coming back, pushing past surface, like a sprout catching sun for the first time.

Break through.
Tap in.

Her tears were sweet instead of salty.
Watering all that could be,

And all the while inside the quiet of the Earth's womb,  she thought,
"Thy will be done."

I always thought I was a healer for the broken and somehow the
lost found me.
I thought I was whole and the one who was open
But then I caught a glimpse in a mirror, and I saw her.

Cracked eyes and chipped shoulders,
Once a stone masterpiece that could have been marveled in all her glory.
Those broken soul's storms she endured to make sure they saw the sun have had an effect.
She is weathered down and wonders if a chiseler will ever come around to bring her back to life.

I am a mess piled on top of a mess piled onto more mess..

If you want the perfect analogy for what kind of person I'll be in your life just think of that pile of laundry you push aside on your bed every night . . .