My depression's logic is distorted
Still enough to persuade me
I have no future, just my past
End it all, so it can spare me
It passes by all the compliments
No matter how many
Only emphasizes the bad
I shouldn't give in to the negativity
I try not to, thought it's hard to
It drains so much of my energy
When I'm trapped to my bed
Tortured with my past until I'm empty

I'm afraid to ask for the love
My parents couldn't give me
I was fed, bathe, sheltered
Emotional love was a luxury
I thought it was okay
Feelings weren't a priority
Until merely existing
Became a both already
If I asked more than minimum
It's a reason to leave me
So I keep all feelings inside
I'm afraid to be needy or clingy
I'm scared to ask for help
To people who aren't family
Even though blood relations
Couldn't keep them beside me
So now I try to reach out
But only when necessary
Because I still struggle to love
And allowing people to love me

The walls are built too high
Expecting me not to climb
But wherever the water flows
By instinct I go
To be with my own kind
Why is it I favour fish than people
And the sea more than the shore
Am I the only one who feels this way
For a moment, I want something more
The breeze in my hair is cold
Compared to the warmth from the sea
The waves feel more welcoming
Than the people who surround me
I take pieces of the sea home
And collect my hidden treasures
For if I could, I would
Live my life in my guilty pleasure
Because how can a home of many
Not be a home for me
Why live in fear and caution
Dear mother, when I could be happy?

Remind myself of my goals
My dreams, my wants and priorities
I want to be the girl I dream of
And see her become a reality
My weaknesses build my strengths
My past builds my future
Become the person I needed before
A place of understanding nurture
Be who I want to attract
Be my closest friends
Be an inspiration
This is not the end

Like a moth to a flame
I'm attracted to his light
Darkness surrounds me
As night continuously falls
It makes me gravitate to his light even more
Like a moth to a lantern
I persistently fly around it
Trying to find a way
Through the transparent walls
That separates me from him
I try to find a way in
I try fight my way in
I want to be closer to his light
I feel the warmth through the glass
But I cannot touch it
I yearn for him through the glass
But I cannot have him
An unseen wall between us
And I cannot break it

I told myself long time ago
I wouldn't wait for you anymore
Though here I am, still patient
Still in love, conflicted and torn
How many closures do I need
Until I am fully satisfied
Each ending feels uncompleted
Like our souls are still somewhat tied
I tell myself I've given up on you
Then I don't but I still try
Each time I say it, it feels closer
Progressing to our final goodbye
It's hard to distance myself
When our friendship has gotten so close
It is so hard to give up on you
Even if she is the one you chose
I thought it would be easier
Now that you are no longer alone
And yet, persistently I continue
To indulge in the love I had always hoped
I want to hug you back when you hug me
Still, I can't bring myself to cross the line
I love you, you're special to me
But overall, you were never mine

I find it very difficult
To differentiate some things
Is it me or just my depression
Do I want to get better
Or just be who I am
Do I smile for everyone
Because anything else
Is more unsettling
Because everything else
Requires some explaining
Am I getting better
Or am I just fitting in
Do I need help
Or just acceptance
Am I fighting it
Or am I denying it
I am confused
Because of this conflict
It feels too complicated
To simply comprehend
Do I even want answers
To these questions