I often find myself choosing
The option that pleases people
Even if it doesn't
I rather not have the conflict
Of choosing something different
But because of it
I see myself
Burdened with lines and cages
Boundaries and limitations
Filled with unwanted self expectations
To fit in so I'm not left out
To avoid having to explain myself
Why am I like this
Why do I like this
And then ask myself
Why do I still feel unwanted
I put myself in this box
Even though I didn't have to
Now I will tear this box
And build a fort or castle
Just because I want to

I find myself
Paranoid and uncertain
I fear that indulging in it
Would justify it being taken away from me
Like currency, I have to work for it
Constantly, to maintain it
Like a luxury, I am not use to it
I have learned to not be dependent
To not make others
My reasons for happinesss
Maybe, it wasn't meant for me
Or else, why would it leave?
To prove every flaw in my hopes
The unfamiliarity causes my body stress
I am use to the chaos of the waves
The stillness of land
Causes me more sickness
Abnormality is my sane
So it feels unsettling to rest
Like a child being held for the first time
After being separated for so long
You cannot simply expect
Them to feel safe
When all they ever felt
Was the absence of it

I never knew what true beauty was
Until I got to know her
Somehow she shines
Brighter than all my luxuries
While her voice
Sounds better than all the songs
I have heard before
They cannot compare to her beauty
Her purity and innocence
Her grace and intelligence
Her heart, full of kindness
How gently she caresses each page
Of a book she holds so dearly
How attentive she is
To all animals and objects
To dream that she would one day
Come to love me

Every time I hit rock bottom
There is no way but up from here
Until I realized there's an underneath
That held even more despair
Closer to hell, closer to the depths
Of the underworld that lies beneath
I have yet to explore this world
In the deepest trenches of me
How far will I fall
I am actually digging deeper
So hard that I have to crawl
I am my own keeper

Gradually, I am learning
I do not need a big dream
One giant life purpose
A central focus or theme
I can have a collection
Of many tiny dreams
A series of them
Each giving my life meaning
Simple small dreams
Only catered to me
Like painting in a field
Or playing guitar on the beach
Someday I want to write
Words that inspire others
Spilt on to pages
To give to one another
Words that can create homes
In people's minds and hearts
Full of emotion and inspiration
To always encourage a new start
If my tiny dreams keeps me going
One after the other
Just so I can keep on living
And not see it as such a bother
I like to paint and sing
Dance and read
I want to help others
And see myself succeed
I don't want the pressure
Of choosing just one thing
When there is so much I can do
To make life worth living

Tick tock goes the clock
Like the beating sound of your heart
With two hands I cannot hold
In a love I cannot take part
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment passes
How I wish time would stop
So I could have more chances
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment is gone
Will time ever side with me
Or do I simply move on

I can't change the way I was raised
But I can change what I believed
Though, it's like pulling away my skin
Because it was always a part of me
Shedding away the belief
That emotions are a burden
Don't tell them you feel this way
It's even worse when you're uncertain
Peeling away the belief
That people weren't meant to stay
If you depend on them more
They'll leave right away
Keep loved ones close
But only close to your walls
Don't let them see
What you've been through, at all
Peeling my skin like mutated armour
That slowly hardened and evolved
Only to expose my sensitive insides
That stings with each resolve